Strange Math

While waiting in line at the grocery store I was looking at the magazine covers. I know I shouldn't do that, I REALLY shouldn't. Some of the stuff that these people write, I just can't believe that anyone would read this garbage. Then again, people read my blog so...

One of the headings made me burst out laughing. Nothing strange about that right? I'm just standing there, quietly waiting and suddenly start laughing like a psych patient responding to internal stimuli. The woman behind me grabbed her children and headed to a different line.

Seriously, the heading that I read was on Self magazine. I'll give them a link and hope that they laugh instead of litigate. The heading read, "Look 100% sexier in 7 minutes". How the hell do you measure that? Seriously, what kind of math is involved to figure this out? I didn't go to college so maybe I missed the course on quantifying sexiness.

Now, I'm sure that I will get some criticism for this. There are women who take this subject very seriously. They have charts and graphs and Venn Diagrams with complex formulas for determining the exponent of their sexiness over a period of time.

For me, I am worried about being too sexy. I don't think I need the full 100% increase in sexiness. I've decided to take a more subtle approach and spend 1.75 minutes to look 25% sexier. Yeah, I think that's all I need. Besides, I'm all about taking Baby steps.

Renegade

Rumor has it that the Secret Service as chosen a code name for our new President elect, "Renegade".

Is he going to ride to The White House on a sweet motorcycle like Lorenzo Lamas?

Imagine

Often times we get caught up in the stability and security of our own lives and it's hard for us to imagine that life is not the same way for all people.

Imagine if you suddenly had to leave your country because violence broke out.

Imagine having to evacuate and having no place to call home.

Where would you sleep?

What would you eat?

What if you became sick?

What about your children?

It's hard to Imagine but life is just like this for millions of refugees around the world.

Imagine if there was something you could do to help.

There is.
With your help there is hope.
Take a few minutes right now to visit these websites:
www.refugees.org and www.womenscommission.org

Blind Luck

Have you ever wondered how people manage to get through life in one piece?

I saw the most amazing thing yesterday. I was driving in the right hand lane, about to make a right turn when this guy comes flying from the left lane to cut me off. There's three lanes here and I am far from being the only car on the road.

I probably would have hit him had it not been for the screeching tires of the other drivers he narrowly avoided. I heard cuss words that would make a sailor blush. Some of them even came from outside of my truck.

Then, as he makes the right turn, he doesn't yield but instead goes to the far left lane. Again, he cuts off three lanes of traffic. Horns are honking, tires are screeching, fingers are flying and new profanities are being invented.

At this point, I lose sight of this genius because I actually have to wait for an opening in the traffic to make my turn. Sometimes, stupidity does the work of bravery and, at this moment, I am neither brave nor stupid.

I finally make my turn and immediately merge into the left lane to make a left turn. No surprise but guess who I see zip from the far right lane to cut me off in the left turn lane? Yep, the same genius.

At this point, I notice something astonishing. The car he is driving isn't new. It's NOT NEW! This car doesn't have a sngle scratch or dent on it and it's four years old. With the way this guy drives, this car should look like it just came from a demolition derby.

I have to follow this guy and ask him for the lottery numbers. There's no way this is driving skill, it has to be blind luck.

Road trip

They say that 9 out of 10 bad drivers is distracted. Ok, I made that up but it works well for this story. My son wanted me to take him to visit his friend. Now, my sons navigational methods leave a lot to be desired. "He lives down that road by the auto parts store, in a yellow house", he explains. Great, let me mapquest "Yellow house", this should be interesting.

So, now I have no idea where I am going. I'm driving slowly down this road waiting for my son to say, "Oh, that was it, we should have turned there". There's some construction being done to this road. No wait, this road looks like a friggin asteroid hit it. Right in the middle of this road is a giant crater marked by flashing lights and signs that read, "DANGER you are about to fall off the face of the earth".

At this point, I'm glad that I have a four wheel drive pickup because I'm thinking I may need it. I got the extended cab pickup with the fold down seat in the back. My youngest daughter is sitting in that seat and she thinks that plummeting into the belly of the earth is a lot of fun. The fold up seat is perfect for single Dads, I call it the sometimes seat. Do you have kids? Sometimes. Of course there are the purists that say, "Well, you're always a father". Nope, sometimes I'm a real mother.

So, back to my story. By the grace of God and my sons ability to remember house colors rather than numbers, we actually made it to the right house. Now he told me to wait for him, it will only take a minute. For those of you who don't have teenagers, a "minute" is how long it takes to grow a beard. That same principal can be applied to chores, "When are you going to mow the lawn?" "In a minute".

So, now it's dark out and we are finally on our way home. My beard is full and so is my bladder. My daughter is now sleeping in the backseat and I am going way too fast to remember the giant crater in the road ahead. Oh yeah, we hit that thing going forty. Now, if I were younger and didn't have kids in the truck I would say that I "Caught some wicked air" but this was no fun at all.

So, we jumped this thing like a scene from a Michael Bay movie. Everything in the bed of the truck lifted out of the bed, rotated 180 degrees and landed right back where it was only inverted. Everything in the cab of the truck, including all the change, receipts and my drink lifted up and hovered for a second before landing neatly where it originally was.

Of course I'm kidding, that crap went everywhere. It looked like my center console threw up. Amazingly, my daughter slept through the entire stunt, landing and all. My son was looking at me funny because, out of habit, I put my arm out to protect him even though he is bigger than I am. I know he would have just broken through my arm if the impact of landing were strong enough but it's the thought that counts.

After pulling myself together I realize that I no longer have to pee. Oh wait, that's just the soda that went everywhere. But I did feel totally relieved when I finally made it home safely. I pulled into the driveway and turned the ignition off and somehow, that makes my daughter wake up. Amazing that she can sleep through anything as long as the engine is running.

Strange Behaviour

Why do people walk funny in the rain? I know you've seen this. They walk out of a building and see that it is raining so they duck their heads down. Why do they duck? Do they think the rain won't see them? It's coming from the sky, it's gonna hit you no matter how far you put your head down. Everybody does this. Like it's a well know fact that if you get lower to the ground the rain won't fall on you. Now, I'm no physics expert but I think there's a flaw in this theory.
Like the little rain drops are saying, "Aw Man, he ducked. Now we're never gonna get him".

I was out on a job once and lighting struck. The guy that I was working with started running. This is the funniest thing I've seen during a storm. Did he actually think he was going to outrun lightning? I mean, you have to have a pretty good self image to think that you can run faster than the speed of light. It's Lightning!!! By the time you hear it coming, it's too late to do anything about it. And where are you going to run to? For all you know, you are running to the next place it's gonna hit.
I understand that it scared him, he told me that when I looked at him like he was crazy. All I could think to say was, "Okay Flash, let's go home. It's about to rain and we can't work if we have to duck down".

Do nothing

I am looking to form a group of activist that will not act. It may sound silly but I like things the way they are and I would like to keep them that way.

Here's my agenda:

I want to have money that says, "In God we trust".
As opposed to "In Government we trust". Yeah, right.

I want to have my favorite sports team keep the name they have instead of changing the name to something that is more politically correct.
Mainly because I already bought the jersey and now I just look silly when I wear my "Devil Rays" hat. Sorry, it's just "Rays" now but I did take a black sharpie and crossed out "Devil" so as not to offend anyone.

I want to be able to walk my dog on a leash, in accordance with the law, to prevent him from running out into traffic. Sorry PETA but I think the former is much more humane.

I'd like to be able to eat a steak instead of tofurkey. You can call it something that sounds like meat but that's like putting lipstick on a pig. Oh crap, wait, that would be animal testing, Sorry again PETA.

So, in this time of Obama calling for "Change", there are some things that I would like to see remain the same. If enough people join me we can sit on the steps of the courthouse Indian sty. . oh, I mean criss cross apple sauce. Wait, "Cross", isn't that a religious reference? Ok, maybe we should just stand.

Force fed salad

It was my sisters birthday but she doesn't read my blog so I can talk about her. We went out to dinner and she made me eat a salad. I didn't want a salad, did you know that lettuce is made out of heads? But, it was her birthday, so I felt obligated.

She's a vegetarian. For my birthday she's gonna have to eat a bacon double cheeseburger. She says that she is concerned about my health. Pffft, I'm as healthy as a horse. Hey, horse sounds more delicious than this salad. Waiter, can I get some meat on my salad?

Why is it that some vegetarians (Not my sister) feel like they need to convert you to their food religion? Can't you just eat your bowl of veggies and STFU? I don't preach to you and try to sprinkle your salad with bacon bits. It's like they are more right because they don't eat meat. Well, it makes me feel better to know that the meat I do eat comes from vegetarian animals.

Back to my point. Actually, I'm not sure that I have a point but anyway. I told my sister that she was placing a big burden on me and I have to eat twice as much meat now to make up for the fact that she is a vegetarian. I eat "double" cheeseburgers now because it pains me to think that poor little Mary Sue can't go to college because her Dad is a cattle farmer.

She was pretty good about that comment and just said, "That's nice of you". Darn, she didn't take the bait, now I feel terrible. "I'm just kidding", I said, "She can still go to college because her Dad makes money from the vegetable farmers, selling them the POOP that your food is grown in".
Bon Appetite!

Wordless whatevers

I'm gonna do one of those wordless whatevers. I think it's supposed to be on Wednesday but I lose track of days.

Also, for your amusement, I saw this funny picture a while ago:

Then I thought, "That poor bird is gonna be hungry again in 20 minutes".

Ok, maybe it wasn't entirely wordless or even on Wednesday but whatever.

Doomsday

Well, the news was really pissing me off tonight. The teaser said that it would be the end of the world. Apparently there is a science experiment that is going to be switched on tomorrow that will create a black hole that will suck up the world and we will all be dead.

Now, the news keeps teasing me with this and telling me that it will be coming up in the next segment while they talk about politics and schools.

I just need to go get groceries but first I want to know if I am going to be alive tomorrow. Should I buy something healthy or should I eat eight pounds of bacon and cheese for dinner? If I'm going to die, I don't want to die with money in the bank, I want to be overdrawn. Get to the point people, you're wasting my time.

Seriously, if I'm just gonna get sucked up into a black hole while I am sleeping let me go out in debt with clogged arteries. I damn sure don't want to eat a salad and pay my electric bill with my last little bit of money. Does it really matter who I vote for if we are all getting sucked into the black abyss?

cable

I don't have cable. I know that's a shock because many people look at me like I have a third eyeball when I tell them that. To me, it doesn't seem all that strange at all, I just don't watch that much tv.

What does seem strange to me is having basic cable. Television is broadcast for free, as it should be, because the programs are sponsored. Why would anyone pay good money to watch advertisements?

Now, I'm not encouraging anyone to drop their cable. I don't want to put the cable companies out of business, that would cost a lot of people their jobs. However, imagine if everyone did drop their cable and stopped watching. The companies that spend millions of dollars each year on commercial advertising might have to spend that money on making better products that actually work in order to get customers. Imagine not being able to convince people that they want to buy your products that they don't need. Shocking, I know.

Radio is free. People don't scoff at me when I tell them that I listen to the radio. Now, you can get satellite radio and pay for it, without the commercials. Wait, that actually makes sense.

Captchas

I can barely remember sequences of random numbers and letters that are in normal type.

Now, swirl them around and distort them and I get really confused.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with my greatest achievement so far

The Captcha friendly keyboard:

Finally, we can surf the web and successfully enter Captchas without the use of the magic shrooms.

visual delays

I'm sure that anyone who drives is able to feel my pain on this one. All I want to do is get home but the right lane is blocked off and traffic is backed up for miles. The problem is that even with just one lane, the traffic should still be moving but it isn't.

There is a traffic light way up there that I watch turn from red to green many times and I still have not moved much at all. At this point, it is less like a traffic light and more like the sphincter on Constipation Boulevard. I can't wait to get beyond this thing and be in the fast moving, watery lanes of sewer street (Now there's an analogy that I took too far).

I'm thinking this has to be something good, maybe aliens have landed or bigfoot is directing traffic. I can't imagine what is making traffic move sofa king slow. This is what they call a visual delay, there is really no reason for the traffic to be backed up. People are just getting a good look at what they closed the lane for. It's really not that difficult, light turns green Go!

I'll admit, I can't wait to see what is going on that is so interesting that I am growing a beard while waiting to get home. And with gas costing an arm and a leg, I'd like to get moving. My mind is going crazy thinking about all the possibilities of what I am about to see if I ever get up that far.

It was a man with a shovel, people, a man with a shovel. He wasn't even in the road, he was off to the side of the road, digging in the grass. I mean, I hate to disappoint you, that's just not that interesting, I really wanted to see aliens or Elvis.

A public service

I was at the beach once and this older couple was leaving. The guy was struggling to get the beach umbrella closed and the older lady barked, "It doesn't take a brain scientist to figure it out". I got a good laugh from the "Brain scientist" bit. If you plan to make someone feel stupid, make sure you don't sound like a moron while you are doing it. For the record, "Brain surgeon" or "Rocket scientist" would be the correct words to say.

Today, it dawned on me that I often bite my tongue when I shouldn't. I should speak my mind and let the world know my thoughts, it would be a great public service. Just think how many lives I could touch and even correct just by letting them know exactly what I am thinking.

This realization came to me as I was buying groceries. Now, as I single man, I have asked out and been rejected by a few women (Which, by the way, is a huge turn-off). That part is not at all relevant to this story, I just wanted to make a "Shout out" to the single ladies that read my blog.

Ok, enough of that, back to my story. The guy that was bagging my groceries was talking to the cashier. He asked her, "You know that dorky guy that comes in here with the glasses?". He goes on to talk about how nerdy this guy is and tells her that he asked one of the cashiers out on a date.

At this point, I looked at him and just had to laugh. So, he says to me, "The guy is really dorky", thinking that I am laughing with him. Oh now this is where I had to bite my tongue and I shouldn't have. I wasn't laughing because I agreed with this guy. What I wanted to say was, "You bag groceries"!

Seriously, this guy bags groceries for a living. He takes the spaghetti sauce and tampons and puts them in a bag for people, that is his contribution to society. And he thinks that he has the right to pick on someone for being nerdy. Hello, nerdy guy probably makes in one day what you make all year. Not that there is anything wrong with bagging groceries, someone has to do it. I just don't think that you have the right to talk smack about customers in front of other customers.

This guy actually believes that I think he is funny but I just think he's an ass. It doesn't take a brain scientist or a rocket surgeon to put groceries in a plastic bag. Besides, do they talk about the "white men can't jump" guy with his hat backwards as soon as I leave? Sure, the cashier is much better of with the guy that bags groceries, why would she want someone that could afford to buy groceries.

Now, for the grocery baggers who are about to leave me derogatory comments, I did say that there is nothing wrong with bagging groceries but you shouldn't talk bad about other customers in front of customers. Save that talk for the break room.

Being offended

I was actually reading another blog by some woman who thinks she is funny. She claims to be the anti-Christ or something. Don't go there but the link is here, just so I can say that I sited my sources.
Anyway, now back to me. So, the line said that being offended was the bi product of going outside or something like that. That line really got me thinking and albeit funny, I had to prove this wrong.

Now, before we go any further, let me just say that I am all about low expectations so I don't post too many of my brilliant thoughts. That's right, just the crappy ones (only the best for my readers). Seriously though, if I start posting epiphanies, Oprah moments or life changing ideas on here, that's what you are going to start to expect from me. Nope, we can't have any of that around here.

Anyway, back on track. I was pondering this very line as I was sitting in McDonalds having my cheeseburger. There's nothing like a good cheeseburger and this was nothing like a good cheeseburger. I got to thinking about the clown that the kids love. Ya'know, Ronald, the giver of cheeseburgers and nuggets. In fact, if you ask most kids where cheeseburgers come from, I'll bet they would say, "McDonalds".

Sure, why not. For some strange reason, we would rather think that cheeseburgers come from a clown than a cow. To me, that seems a bit creepy but if you think about the cow in the slaughterhouse, that is just offensive. Then, it struck me, being offended is when reality slips through your illusions. See, we like to have the illusion that a cheeseburger comes from a clown but the reality is that is comes from a dead cow and when the reality sneaks past our illusion, we find ourselves being offended.

We all want the cops to put the bad guys in jail and keep us safe. We have the illusion that the cop says, "You're under arrest" and the guy just puts his hands behind his back and gets in the car. The reality is that the bad guys try to run and even fight because, believe it or not, they don't like to go to jail. So, the cops often have to use some sort of force to get these guys off the streets but if we see a video of it, we get offended. See, reality slips past our illusions and we become offended.

Granted, I am still going to enjoy my cheeseburgers and that may go over like a fart in church but like I said, I'm all about low expectations. Oh hey, "Fart in church", another great example, reality is that people fart, illusion is that they don't do that in church. Well, except those people that don't worry about offending anyone, they probably fart wherever they want, like that offended blogger.

All the wrong answers

Over my many years on this planet (well, not "Many" but a few) I have learned a few things that I feel obligated to pass on to others. Ya know, just to help the greater good. What I learned may not be all that helpful as I never really learned the right things to say. However, I can help you to avoid some of the mistakes I made by passing on "All the wrong answers".
These answers have been personally tested and I can assure you that you do not want to try these at home.

If you are reading this, it may be too late for the first one. When I was younger and did something wrong (Which almost never happened) my Mom would say, "The next thing you ask for, the answer is NO". One time, I replied with, "Can I go to school tomorrow?"

When dealing with the police, I want to warn you that they seem to lack a sense of humor. When they ask if you have any guns or other weapons, I have noticed that, "Oh yeah, what do you need?" is the wrong response. Also, "Hey, you have your own", goes over like a fart in church.

When it comes to relationships, I have not had much success. I have however learned a great deal about what "All the wrong answers".
When a woman asks, "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?",
the wrong answer is, "No, no, the fourth trip through the buffet line made your butt look fat".

When a woman asks, "Where you just looking at that other woman?",
the wrong answer is, "NO! I was just looking at her boobs, not the whole woman".
Maybe volunteering too much information is a bad thing.

This normally leads to the next question that women like to ask, "What does she have that I don't have?".
The wrong answer, as I found out, is, "My undivided attention".

What organic means to a many man

It seems that coolness is determined by what we eat. First there were vegetarians, that seemed simple enough. As more and more people became vegetarians just to be cool, along came vegans. When that wasn't enough there became more levels of devotion to the lifestyle like people that don't eat anything with a face or that casts a shadow. Eventually, the coolest thing will be to not eat anything at all.

Don't get me wrong, I understand being vegetarian if you are doing it because it is healthy or you don't like to think about animals dying just so you can eat. However, the animals that we most commonly eat are bred for the sole purpose of becoming food. They get free medical treatment and don't have to pay rent. Personally, I think they have it pretty good.

Now, I myself am an animal lover. Especially with barbeque sauce. For every person that is offended by that statement, there is a farmer that is trying to raise his family who is glad I said it.

Now, what throws me through a loop is the new, dare I say, over use of the word "Organic". Great, a whole new level of coolness. I am totally against the senseless slaughter of innocent vegetables for the sole purpose of consumption in the first place. Now, you are telling me that they are being tortured by being denied pesticides and chemicals? That's like denying them medical treatment. Well, I won't stand for it. I will however sit for it and have my steak next to my non-organic mashed potatoes.


So, what does "Organic" mean to a manly man? Well, I have organic brake pads on my truck. I'm sure they are very tasty.

Breeding an army of superhumans

I'm sure you know that we take vaccinations to make us immune to disease by being exposed to small amounts of the disease like chicken pox. Well, what if we could take that to the next level? Now I feel like a mad scientist. Bwahahaha!!!

This past weekend, I had my two daughters and they were both ill. And of course with all the projectile vomiting and hershey squirts going on, I knew I was bound to get it and I did. Despite the swarm of festering germs swirling about, my son did not get sick, he never does. This got me to thinking.

Many years ago, I read somewhere that kids who eat their own boogers have a stronger immune system because the boogers act like little vaccinations. Maybe my son used to eat his own boogers, I don't know. I do know that he is able to eat things that would make a buzzard puke, I've seen him do it.

After taking the girls back to their Mom, I went home and tried to sleep it off. I think the fever, and possibly the double shot of NyQuil gave me a wildly imaginative dream. Or, drug induced hallucination if you want to be all technical and stuff.

I was raising my kids all over again but this time I didn't discourage them from picking their nose and eating it, I encouraged it. I didn't stop there. If I was going to have my army of superhumans that would survive the next plague I had to go beyond, way beyond.
I told them that they must not limit themselves to eating their own boogers, they should also eat other peoples boogers.

Next up, the airport. We have to make sure that they are exposed to boogers from around the globe. Aha, it's my lucky day, that man just arrived from Singapore and he is blowing his nose. I ran up to him and asked, "Are you going to eat that"? Scratch Singapore off my list and as an added bonus, airplanes are know to have the most germ filled air know to man. Eat up kids.

At this point, the kids had to use the restroom. Ewww, public bathrooms are so disgusting. Hey, while you're in there, why don't you lick the rim of the toilet bowl? That should give your immune system a good boost. Ok, I'll admit that was a bad idea and was totally uncalled for. Because a more recent study determined that computer keyboards have way more bacteria than toilets. Hey kids, we're having qwerty for lunch.

Wow, being sick can give you some very strange dreams and NyQuil should be a controlled substance.

Mosquitos

I have to take a minute to do a quick post about the most annoying little bug that is really ruining my evening. I'm just sitting here, trying to get some work done and this single mosquito has bitten me over a dozen times.

Ok, I lied. I'm not actually working but all the pictures of Scarlett Johansson are not exactly going to download themselves.

Anyway, this little bug is so small that I can barely see him to squash him and yet he has bitten me like 37 times. How much can he eat?

Well, here's the deal, I would rather have him just bite me once, suck out like a gallon of blood and then go sit in the corner and smoke a cigarette. The part that gets me riled up is that he is treating me like an all you can eat buffet.

Oh and, of course, what the heck could possibly be in my ear that is so delicious? That annoying buzzing sound gets louder and louder until I slap myself upside the head, feeling and looking like a complete idiot.

I swear I am going insane and if I catch this little guy I am going to crush him into dust. I've lost so much blood and smacked myself in the head so many times that I am beginning to feel a little woozy.

Is that diarrhea on the shampoo bottle?

This morning I was enjoying my shower when I had to do a double-take at the shampoo bottle. "Is that diarrhea on the shampoo bottle?", I asked myself. It sure did look like it.

The shampoo is a daily moisture renewal formula and underneath that it says, "Hidratacion Diaria", which can only be pronounced "Diarrhea". It really made me stop and think before I put it in my hair.

Surely, this must be spanish for "daily moisture renewal". Maybe it's latin. That made me wonder what "Hidratacion" is. Is it a combination of "Hidra" meaning water and "Tacion" meaning suffocation? Would that be Drowning Diarrhea? Well, that's just gross.

If "diaria" is moisture, do I want to put moisturizer on my face? Sounds too much like "Diarrhea" to me. Do I really want to use facial diaria? Brings up images of a mud mask. I'd be sitting there with cucumber slices over my eyes with a good thick coating of facial diaria.

Or how about, "Feel my hands, I just rubbed diaria on them". Well, now, that sounds inviting. It's funny how some foreign words resemble english but in a much different way.

I know it can't be german, the german word for diarrhea is "spraysompoopin", I'm pretty sure. Besides, it makes more sense that diaria is moisture, I can see the connection.

The rest of the bottle is written in english. Except where it says, "Questions/Preguntas". Well, I have a few Preguntas, so maybe I should call the number. My first question is why did you put diaria on my bottle? If you are trying to appeal to the spanish speaking market, why not have spanish instructions as well?

The Internet to be Discontinued.

The internet will be discontinued in December of 2009 due to the rising cost of copper. There is an estimated 3.7 billion dollars worth of copper wire that will be salvaged and used to make new consumer products. There is an increasing fear that the copper could be stolen from the telephone poles and sold for scrap.

In January the internet will begin being shut down in small segments as part of a phase out plan developed by Italian engineer, Sherzo Difettoso. The first customers to lose their connection will be able to purchase wireless converter boxes that will allow them to still access the internet through the hollow conduit but at a smaller bandwidth.

For those customers that are still using "Dial-up" the converter boxes will come in a kit form containing two tin cans and a tightly drawn string. Cellular customers can purchase a similar kit but with much smaller cans.

Firefox users will need to upgrade their browsers to support the new technology. Internet explorer users will not notice any change in performance. Mac users will be the first to notice the effects of the copper recall with PC users following close behind.

Also in the works is a design that simplifies communications by sending smoke signals. A device is installed on the exterior of your home called an Aerial Sensor System. Using a smoke machine and a small tube, the user can type on a keypad and the machine will blow puffs of smoke up his A.S.S. similar to instant messaging.

Disclaimer- This post should not be taken seriously and is intended for entertainment purposes only (Mainly my own entertainment).

Stupidity stings a little

I watched my partner get stung in the face by a wasp. I know this wouldn't be funny for most people but it was hilarious. It wasn't the fact that he got stung that was funny, it was the fact that he punched himself in the face to get the thing off of him.

Now, I should know better than to say anything but I did anyway. He was trimming back some bushes when it happened and I told him that if he just walked away, calmly, they would leave him alone.
At any rate, I decided to take over trimming the bush so he wouldn't get stung again. As I chopped away at the evil wasp bunker, I accidentally summoned the mamma wasp. Oh, this was the mother of all wasps that I awakened and she was on a mission of vengeance.
Fwup, Fwup, Fwup, Fwup, her wings made this impressively eerie noise as she rose from the remnants of the possessed bush.

This was hardly a wasp, mind you, this was more like a black hawk helicopter. I stood straight up, facing the beast and stared into it's peering eyes. Oh, I was not afraid as I slowly turned and began my casual retreat.
I didn't get but five steps away when I felt the fiery penetration of what must have been a harpoon instead of a stinger.

Now, they say that white men can't jump but I damned sure did. Several times I jumped, just for good measure, tearing off my shirt and bolting away from my certain demise. Much to my partners amusement, I might add.

Having survived this attack, I moved on to pressure washing the house. There's something about the gentle hum of a pressure washer that can lull you into a trance like state. I suddenly realized that I should have worn pants as I can feel the wet hose pulsating against my bare leg.

I pulled the nozzle up, in an attempt to throw the hose behind me and off of my leg. Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize that you have just been crowned the King of all idiots? Well, I was having one of those at this exact second. I realized that the hose had been behind me the entire time as it hit me on my back. Now, if the hose is behind me, what is the pulsating wet thing that is on my leg?

I looked down to find that it was a very well fed snake and had made it's way up my shorts and was now face to face with Mr. Happy (although Mr. Happy wasn't too happy about this visitor). It's alright, this is pleasant, NOT! I quickly used the only weapon at my disposal, the pressure washer. My brilliant plan sent the waterlogged serpent spiraling upwards 5 feet. Nice, right at eye level.

Again, I make my retreat, pouncing like Tigger after snorting espresso. Upon telling my partner what had just taken place, he insisted on knowing what type of underwear I was wearing. I refused to tell him on the grounds that I could not determine how revealing this information could possibly help his investigation.

"Well", He answered, "If you're not wearing any underwear, maybe the snake thought he saw a lizard". Can you imagine if it had come to that before I realized what was happening? Of all the places to be bitten by a snake.

Oh, and for the record, "lizard"? Give me some credit, "Iguana" may be more like it.

Rebel without a clue.

My friend Ashley tells me that women are drawn to men that are "Bad Boys". Then, to make things worse, she tells me that I am not a "Bad boy".

Oh, I beg to differ. I am a bad boy, a true rebel. I work construction without a hard hat Ya'know?

I don't heed warnings at all. That's right, I am dangerous.
I take Tylenol and then I do not, "Keep out of reach of children".
In fact I stand right next to them.

I probably wouldn't have a headache if I did.

I don't lather, Rinse and repeat. I just lather and rinse.
I just lather and rinse.

Really, Ashley, I'm the guy your Mom warned you about.
Don't believe me?

I run with scissors, how do you like that?
And to make it better, they are left handed scissors in my right hand.
"Alert the authorities, he's gone mad!!!"

Now, if that's not "Bad Boy" enough for you, let me present you with
what I like to call "Exhibit A":

Feast your eyes on this baby!!

I ripped the tag of that mattress
Like it was nothing.

I didn't even hesitate

And I'm not the consumer either.

My Mom bought that mattress.

So I could do hard time for this.

I have this hanging on my refrigerator as a reminder of what a "Bad Boy" I am.
If the Mattress Police ever come to diner, I'll get busted.

Busted, I tell you!!! I'm living on the edge, full of Adrenaline and hard liquor.

Well, actually, Tang because it has a full days supply of vitamin C and I have a little case of the sniffles from the dust under the mattress. I could get sick from the germs and I don't wanna take any chances.

A "Bad boy" with green snot isn't very attractive, is he?

What to wear?

I've been a little bit busy lately and haven't had much time to do laundry. Busy is a synonym for lazy, isn't it.?
My life has been too much "rush rush rush" and not enough "wash wash wash". So, needless to say I am running out of clean clothes.
Today, I officially ran out of comfortable underwear selections leaving only the sexy variety. I'm not going on a date, I'm going to work but it still beats going commando. Alright, alright, nothing beats going commando.
I do have the next best thing to commando. I call them my Tarzans. They began life as a pair of Tidy Whiteys but have worn down to a mere T-Back. With the many dangling strings, they beg to be called Butt-Floss.
I can't throw them away or I would have nothing to wear underneath the paper gown at the Doctors office.
I want him to feel sorry for me so he charges less and I make sure the Nurses can see everything.
The sexy underwear have a tendency to migrate to the valley so now I am doomed to be playing cheek shepherd and getting my wool to greener pastures.

Now, which pants do I wear? Out of the few I have left, most of them have some pretty considerable holes in them. Sure, they offer some nice ventilation but I am feeling a little revealed in the Final Layer Of Protection and I may have mosquito issues.
That narrows my choice down to thin pants that would show pantie lines or loose pants that would show my whale tail. It's not so much of a whale tail but it would be after the migration to the valley. I don't plan on doing any plumbing work so the crack shot may be uncalled for.
The tight pants can be a little rough on the giblets and may boil the egg bag a bit in the summer.

Shorts would be good but I don't want any snakes crawling in or falling out. Especially if a snake crawls up my leg thinking he found a lizard in a bush or something.
I guess I'll wear the pants with the whole in the pocket. Sure, I might be feeling a little cocky today but I'll wash my hands often.

Friends of canned meat

Bambi wants to be my friend on Myspace, funny how her grainy picture looks just like the one that came in the frame I bought from kmart. I do believe this woman is actually a salty little piece of meat. Of course that is a spam reference. I hope.

Before I even put any pictures up on myspace I had friends requests from women that said, "I think your hot and you should meet me and my bi-curious roommates. I can't figure out this Myspace thing so take a look at my other website".

Oh sure, Bimbo.. Or I mean Bambi can't figure out how to use myspace but click on her link and suddenly she's flippin Bill Gates. Oh she has a website with all the latest high tech bling and credit card processing capabilities.
Hang on a second, she thinks I'm hot? My picture is a little gray cartoon silhouette.

And this stuff works, Bambi has over 400 friends, mostly men and teenage boys just bursting with desperate hormones. Either these people are so desperate for friends that they don't even care that Bambi's real name is Carl or they actually believe that this woman thinks they are hot.

I was talking to a guy that said he should call Jessica Simpson now that she is divorced because they both like tuna. I wish I was joking, this guy was serious. Of course I couldn't leave this alone, I had to screw with him:

"Dude, true story", I began.
"I actually know one of her advisors", Oh man, he actually believes me. This is gonna be fun.
"Yeah, she said that Jess was just telling her that she wishes she could find a guy with no job, poor hygiene and smells like a taco but likes tuna. I think she is looking for you.", I said, trying hard to sound serious.

Anyway, the point is that there are stupid people out there that would fall for this. I was in the drive through of the bank and the guy in front of me was yelling at the teller, "I want a double cheeseburger!"
"This is a bank", she replies.
"No, I don't want bacon, are you stupid?", he asks.
So, Yep, these people are out there, making friends with canned meat on Myspace. Although, judging by the picture, I 'll bet Bambi smells more like tuna than Spam.

Ladies Night

Ahhh, "Ladies Night" that magical marketing idea that bar owners across the nation employ to bring in the men with the promise of a bar full of women. I'm ashamed to admit that it worked on me. I actually set out with the idea that there would be a bar full of ladies waiting for me.

I won't admit that publicly, so keep it between you and me. Don't worry, no one ever reads the internet.

The first thing I have to ask is, why do they call it "Ladies Night"?
#1. on "Ladies Night" there seems to be a much higher ratio of men in the bars than women. Seriously, I haven't seen this much sausage since Oktoberfest.

B.) There are really no ladies, just married women with their husbands just trying to get free drinks.
"Ladies Night" has been a traditional disappointment for me. Although there was one night that I went out and 12 women hit on me. Yep, I was hot. I was on a roll.

Alright so it wasn't 12 women, it was only one but she was the size of 12.
And she didn't hit "On" me, she just plain hit me.

To be honest with you, I just go to bars to meet women in hopes that they will introduce me to their friends that stayed home that night. I don't imagine that I will meet my soul mate in a bar. I'm not much of a bar person myself.

The whole concept of "Ladies night" has to be a joke. Every guy in the bar kept watching the door. When someone walked in, they all looked at the door as if to ask, "Are those the ladies". Yep, it's like watching synchronized rubber necking. They sit up straight, suck in the bellies and smile real nice. Then they realize it's just another dude and the spare tire flops back out.

Except for that one really creepy guy at the end of the bar. I think he would have gone home with a bar stool if it showed interest.

Hey fellas, if you want to see the ladies, go to the male strip clubs. Ok, maybe not "Ladies" so much as inebriated, horny housewives that can't make change for a twenty and have husbands at home that think they're at a book club.

As for me, I'm gonna stick with wet T-shirt contests. That's where you know you will see all women. Except for that one dude that tries to win with his man boobs. Nice try but the only one that wants to see this guy in a wet t-shirt is sitting at the end of the bar on ladies night buying a drink for the bar stool.

Am I childish

The other day someone called me "Childish". Is that even an insult? Personally, I was flattered.
Childish - like a child.
My 3 favorite people in the world are my children. So, wouldn't it be a compliment to be like them?
My children are amazing and fun to be around. Childish doesn't sound so bad.

And I'll admit, I may be a little immature at times. I'm not an adult prude with a stick up my butt. I still try not to giggle when someone talks about the "Penal System" (We really need a better name for that) or mentions a man with Angina (Men don't have anginas, Hehe).
I still enjoy the kids rides:

Well, maybe not this particular ride (it makes me wonder things about the designer).
But I Still enjoy the funny pictures and I like to make up captions for them:


And I even enjoy playing the same games that I did when I was a child (Maybe a little different)

So, I almost had this woman convinced that I am not childish (or at least that it is not a bad thing) and I simply enjoy having fun with my kids. I explained to her that it is acceptable for me to crawl through the tubes on McDonalds playplace with my kids, it's part of being a parent. Just as she is beginning to agree with me, she tells me that her husband can't do that because it bothers his angina.
Yep, my laughter was not very convincing.

Favorite Faux pas

I am a big fan of movies and I get a little chuckle out of finding an obvious mistake. My favorite example of this is with "Tarzan". Now, you might be wondering, "Which Tarzan Movie"? It doesn't matter, they all have the same mistake. Tarzan is a story of a man that was raised by wolves in the jungle, right? Then, why did he turn out to be a metrosexual?

Look at this picture. That's not what I think of when I hear, "Raised by wolves in the jungle". This looks more like an advertisement for Supercuts. The miracle of Hollywood is that, with only a knife made from stone, this man managed to give himself a perfectly crafted pompadour.

Even more modern portrayals of Tarzan seem a bit unrealistic. Granted "George of the jungle" had less perfect hair but still had a clean shave. Now, Come on. Out in the jungle the only clothes he could manage to find was an animal carcass but Barbasol shave cream and Schick razors are easy to come by.
I find it hard to believe that Tarzan can barely form a sentence but is able to shave his armpits and wax his chest. There seems to be some priorities out of place when you put grooming before education.

Even in the cartoons Tarzan doesn't look like he was raised by wolves. "Zoiks Scoob!!", Shaggy would have made a better Tarzan. At least he had some facial hair. Who does the casting for these cartoons anyway?
By this philosophy, dare I say that we could slap a loin cloth on Ryan Seacrest and have ourselves the next Tarzan?

Unforgetable trip to the toy store.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time, taking my daughter to the toy store to let her pick something out. I just wasn't aware of the horrors I was about to face. Sometimes you can set out with the best intentions and find yourself trapped in the alternate universe of a 4 year old mind.

I'm not sure if I am being a good Dad or maybe I am just being lazy. My thought was that she would know what she wants better than anyone else. I had completely underestimate the obsessiveness of this mini-me when it comes to picking out the perfect gift for her favorite person...herself. We went through every isle very thoroughly over and over again. This gift had to be spectacular and magnificent. No ordinary present would do.

Toys become evil to adults that are held hostage by the hypnotizing effects they impose on our children. Oh this was no longer my daughter, this was the Queen of the toy store and we were on a mission to find her a new court jester.

I'm working on my sales skills with every toy I pick up, "Oh look at this one". Oh I swear I touched every toy from monster trucks to pink princess dress-up sets. At this point I am convinced that the toys are causing a sensory overload on us both.

Finally, she accepts a doll as her chosen new apprentice and my life can return to normal. After spending hours searching for the perfect toy I now find myself looking at another hour of waiting in line before I can reach the golden gates under the exit sign and free myself of this twilight zone. In the time it took to go from 35th to 2nd in line, I swear I grew a beard. My feet are sore, my back hurts and I can almost taste sweet freedom.

She had held that new doll so tightly to her chest the entire time that she really had not even taken a good look at it. Realizing this, she pulls the baby down and rests it on her lap. Personally, I think the dolls with the eyes that close when you lay them down are pretty cool. However, my daughter took this to be a sign that the baby was possessed by Satan himself. She lets out a horrendously loud scream and hurls the demon spawn into the air. Realizing that the laws of physics still apply to the exorcist doll, she scrambles to get out of the way as it plummets back to earth.
Now any parent knows that when a child screams with enough force, there is a moment of silence as the lungs reach empty and prepare to refill for another blast. It was at this very moment that I notice the entire store had come to a complete halt and all eyes were on us. They stood there with jaws dropped, gazing at the fear frozen child and the demon doll hovering above.

With cat like reflexes, I jump up to save my child from the descending icon of sin only to land into a face full of hot screaming. The timing could not have been better. And now I am faced with a long line behind me, no one in front of me and a captivated audience of very curious shoppers and employees. I now have precious seconds to diffuse this situation and convince my little girl that this is merely a toy and not the anti-christ from Mattel.

As tempting as it was I did not pretend that the doll was biting my jugular as I held it. Instead, I assured her that the baby was very cool because it closed it's eyes to go night night. Of course I had to do this at a safe distance as she was convinced that the baby would start turning it's head completely around while vomiting on her. She did accept the new toy despite the demonic activity that it showed. At least until the first time she took a bath with it and water gushed from its eye sockets.

Day O

So all day long I've been singing that song in my head, "Day-o...Day.a.a.o. Daylight come and me wanna go home" Yep, it's warming up around here and I finally decided to hit the beach. Ah yes, the sound of the ocean, the smell of the fresh ocean air and an old dude in a bright yellow speedo.

It never fails that a normal day at the beach can easily turn into a disaster when some atrocious eye magnet walks by. And sure enough, that was the case. But this wasn't a good eye magnet, oh no. I couldn't be that lucky and see some hot girl in a bikini. This was the kind of eye magnet that wakes you up in the middle of the night having cold sweats.

Here he comes walking down the beach, no wait, strutting down the beach. And of course, he is looking at all the ladies and waving because they are looking at him. Now to say that this was an older guy I don't mean like he was 50. No, I think this is the guy that invented sliced bread.
Granted, this man was built like Jack Lalane and may have even been his father, I can't be sure. However, the choice of a bright yellow speedo which simply begs to be called a banana hammock, was an obvious fashion nightmare.
No matter how bright the packaging is, it still contains a couple of shriveled prunes. And how can you not stare at something that is the color of yellow highlighter? That is why they call it highlighter. I couldn't tear my eyes away from this thing so I am helplessly stuck there hoping that the nuggets don't sneak out while I'm looking. This was no bathing suit, it was a freakish pair of "Man-panties". I just couldn't imaging loading my giblets into a sock on a string like that.
At first I thought he lost a bet or had never heard of Bermuda shorts. But, I don't think this was his first trip to the beach in the yellow sack swing, he didn't have any tan lines.
I was so distracted by the bright yellow egg basket that it took me a while to notice his long, thinning, gray pony tail. Well, sure, maybe he was bald on top but the back and sides were nice and long. If you got it flaunt it, right. Besides, it made him look kinda like an older Willie Nelson in a speedo. Did I mention the bright yellow speedo?
So, back to my song, I'm sure you know the rest of it, "Come Mr. Tally man, Tally my bananas". That's just what popped into my head. Actually, it all started when I thought, "That dude has a day glow package". That easily made the transition to "Day-o" package.
Sure, all the women on the beach were smiling at him, wouldn't you? I'll bet he goes home and calls his great grandchildren that are in college and tells them how much the ladies love him in his bright yellow boner suit.
The good news is that I went to the beach feeling a little self conscious about being kind of pale from the long winter. But I was able to leave there feeling like it could be worse, I could be that guy. Yep, I could never load my frank and beans into an eye patch like that and hit the beach. I gotta hand it to the guy, he sure had balls.

Invalid Complaining.

It's not like me to rant about something. Well, maybe it is like me but how hard can it really be to be rich and famous? Seriously, I hear these people constantly complaining about the stresses of fame and fortune and I just want to gag them with a sumo wrestlers dirty diaper (or whatever you call that thing they wear). One thing that I agree with is that I do not, in fact, know how stressful it is to be rich and famous but I would love to find out.
I can imagine that having so much money that you can't possibly spend it all would be stressful. Almost as stressful as losing your house to foreclosure. Yep, I'm sure it's a really tough life to live.
What I can't figure out is how you can spend years sometimes struggling to become famous and when you finally get there you don't want it. The only thing worse than whining about being blessed is being blessed and not knowing it. Stop whining about being rich and famous and start whining about being a whiner, you might get more sympathy that way.
Take David Cassidy for example. He was a huge success of Iconic proportions and left it all to have a normal life. Now, he's making a comeback so I guess that normal life wasn't all it cracked up to be. But still he is complaining about how bad it was to be so famous when he was younger. Gee, that would be a lot more believable if you weren't trying to promote a new album while saying this garbage.
The few people that actually do feel sorry for them are obviously not carrying the burden of an abundance of schooling. This is a choice that people make and they have more choices than most regular folks. I was remodeling a rental apartment for a lawyer once. He shows up at the job and gets out of his 60 thousand dollar car and tells me that it must be nice to be able to go to work in a T-shirt and jeans. I said that it must really be nice to have a choice. He could get up tomorrow morning and come work for me for $500 a week, I'd teach him how to do remodeling. But, it's not like I can wake up tomorrow and decide to be a $500 per hour lawyer. He never took me up on my offer so I guess that working in a $3,000 suit doesn't suck after all.
We all have our choices to make and if you don't deal with being rich and famous too well, you should just get out of the industry. Or take some notes from people like Johnny Depp who escapes to France to live a fairly private life. You should know that if you are going clubbing on the streets of Hollywood you're gonna have pictures of your drunk ass in the tabloids, stay home and party in your mansion, hire a DJ and invite your friends. And for the love of God don't get behind the wheel when you know damned well you could afford a limo.

Ummm, Do I want any?

Unfortunately, my life is based on real events. Honestly, I couldn't possibly make this stuff up, it's way too delicious. Do you ever wonder what people are thinking? I do all the time. I'm not sure what it is about me but people will feel like they can just walk right up to me and say the weirdest things. On a rare occasion something will happen that just leaves me speechless.

The other day I was walking through the mall by myself just to look around, get some exercise and, I'll admit it, I was scoping out the babes. Now, keep in mind that I am just minding my own business so the interaction I was about to endure was completely unwarranted.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw this woman approaching. She was very hard to miss, even far away she looked close up. Oh, this image was enormous to begin with and just kept getting bigger and bigger with every step she took towards me.
Normally, this would not even be a story, and it wasn't the fact that she was overweight that made her so memorable. Oh no. This woman had somehow managed to squeeze her body into the tiniest of outfits in a process that must have included a giant shoe horn and a drum of Astroglide. The whole thing looked like it was a performance test for the breaking point of Spandex. She had this "Hot pink" low cut top and a black mini-skirt, both made from possibly the strongest materials known to man. She looked like Jabba the Hut coming out of Victorias secret.
Now, for some reason, the sonar on this cruise ship is targeting me and she is on an intercept course. This costume that she is wearing leaves very little to the imagination and offers no support at all for the protrusion of excess belly flab that she is intentionally shaking with every step she takes towards me.
Here is where it gets good. I stand my ground, like a fearless warrior as Goliath approaches. She rubs against me and says, "MmmmHmmm, you can't have none of this" and continues walking.
At first I was convinced that somewhere on her persons she was concealing a large, fully loaded pizza that she must have been talking about. But no, she was actually referring to some sort of mating scenario.
I have no idea what I could possibly have done to deserve this. I wasn't even looking at her. My best guess is that I just look approachable. And for some strange reason she felt very compelled to inform me that she was way out of my league.
The only thing bigger than this womans grocery bill is her confidence level. Can you even imagine how good it must feel to walk around, that confident and self-assured? This woman believes deep down that she is sexy. To end this on a positive note, I honestly admire her for her self image. However, I don't admire her for eating Britney Spears and stealing her wardrobe.

Hard to get or not worth the effort.

I better start by warning you that I have had too much caffeine and not enough sleep. So, if you plan on reading this, buckle up it may be a bumpy ride as I jump around a bit. This is gonna end up being like that time my Jack Russel terrier found my hidden stash of crack. Of course I'm joking.

I've never owned a Jack Russel terrier.

I don't like to admit this but I have watched A few Oprah shows and read a few Cosmo issues. So, I know what a woman thinks she is supposed to do to keep a man interested. Apparently, she is supposed to get his attention and then act like she isn't interested. That should appeal to his hunting desire and make him chase her.
Personally, it just makes me feel like she forgot to take her Ritalin. Besides, The last time I put on my loin cloth and headed out the door with my trusty spear in hand was years ago.
Ok so it was yesterday but I really enjoy the freedom of the loin cloth and the feel of the gentle breeze on my cheeks.
There is also a thin line between pursuing a woman and being a stalker. For example, let's say a woman goes out on one date with a guy. The next day, she goes to work and comes home to find him lying in her bed with a rose in his teeth and he is wearing her panties. Is this a romantic pursuit or stalking behavior? The number one way to avoid being slapped with stalking charges is to be handsome.
That's easy to remember, it's the same difference between flirting and sexual harassment.

"Show him that you are relationship material". This is not best accomplished by rehashing every detail of a past and failed relationship. I'm really not convinced that she is even over this guy yet. Especially when she does that little Ex-Boyfriend tourette's syndrome thing. You know what I mean, "Back when I was going out with Daaaaaaanny".
Wait! Why did she say his name like that? Sure, maybe now she hates him with a passion. But, passion is passion and we are talking about a different fine line here, the fine line between love and hate.
Besides, at some point I start to feel like this is actually the conversation that she wanted to have with him but he won't listen to a word of it so now I gotta deal with it. So, now my mind is drifting off and singing "love the one your with" only with new lyrics: "And if you can't scream at the one you love, Honey, Scream at the one you're with". Then, I make the mistake of actually giving advice and that goes horribly wrong. Now, she's talking to me like I'm one of her gay friends, "Oh where did go wrong with Daaaaanny".
To make that even better, she really drives her point across by saying, "I wish I could find a single guy that's just like you". What the? I am a single guy just like me. Do I look like chopped liver to you or what? Oh this is really winning me over.

Now let me go off on a little tangent here. I don't have anything against gay men. I know a lot of women that come to them for advice on shoes, clothes and makeup. There is nothing wrong with that. However, Some women make the mistake of asking their gay friends for advice on dating. That's like asking a Child for tips on parenting. It may seem obvious that a gay guy would know how to date men but the truth is that gay guys know how to date gay men. Straight guys are completely different.

Women ask other women for advice on dating. That's funny. My ex wife once told me that she knew more about what women want in bed than I do. I am reasonably sure that I have had sex with more women than she has. Women lie to each other and I have to believe that they would tell me the truth about what they want in bed. You know why? Because I will actually do it.
It's easy for a woman to sit around with her female friends and say, "Oh I would never do that". Then, as soon as her friends leave she is digging through the junk drawer for the duct tape, blindfold and turkey baster.
Seriously, I have seen it happen. Well, maybe not the turkey baster part but I have had girlfriends that everyone thought were prudish and conservative but it turned out that... Oh, never mind, I'm getting off track.
My point is that it's just not that difficult. All these rules about dating are ridiculous. We are all just awkward creatures placed on the same planet. We are not from Mars or Venus. We all came from the same place, two consenting adults that put their differences aside long enough to exchange the bodily fluids that make us who we are today.

On a completely different note, for some reason I was just thinking, "But don't take my advice". That is like the ultimate paradox. If you don't take my advice then you are taking my advice about not taking my advice.

Alright, back on track. Unfortunately, I think that I am just at the point where I could have the woman of my dreams knock on my door and ask me if I want to go out with her tonight and my answer would be, "Gee, I wish I could but I'd rather stay home and eat shards of glass while rubbing my balls with a cheese grater".

Are you serious

I like to listen to the radio and I am a big fan of well written lyrics. Some songs can just tug at your heart strings when you think about what the artist must have been going through to come up with such a beautiful combination of words. Some of the songs you can even relate to as they seem to be about your own experiences in life. It's nice to know that we are not alone in this world.
For me, that was the case with Taylor Swift's "Teardrops on my guitar". Well, Gender reversed of course, I felt like I could relate to this song of a love that will never be and going unnoticed.
Well, that's how I felt until I got back to my computer and searched for the song. This picture came up of the artist and I was like, "Are you serious?" This girl is amazingly beautiful, what is wrong with this guy Drew. Is he blind?
Now of course I know that looks aren't everything but I think that any man with even a remote ability to see would, at the very least, notice this angel. At this point it was becoming a little bit more difficult for me to feel bad for this poor girl. Now, my advice for Taylor is leaning more towards, "There are a lot of other fish in the sea, I'm sure you'll find one that doesn't have cataracts".
I'm not even being shallow. Remember that before I saw a picture of her, I heard the song, listened to the lyrics and it touched my heart. So, I feel like I got to know her a little before I actually saw what she looks like. My opinion here is based on thinking that she is a very sweet, articulate girl with a warm heart who just happens to be very pretty.

I don't mean to offend Taylor, Drew or any fans. I just wanted to express my opinion and maybe Taylor or other artists will get some insight into what fans think about their work.
Also, I just want Taylor to know that if Drew isn't interested and you need a shoulder to cry on I am available.

I can't compete with that.

I stopped into my favorite convenience store the other day to grab some soda. As I was standing in line I looked through the glass door and saw this beautiful woman was on her way inside. Being the polite single man I am, I stepped out of the line to open the door for her.
Now, what I plan and what actually happens have never been similar and this was no exception to that rule. What I planned was to open the door for her and say, "You thought chivalry was dead but it was just sleeping". I figured that would make her smile and let her know that I was chivalrous and friendly.
What actually happened was: Before I even got my hand on the door, this drunken dude comes out of nowhere and opens the door for her as he yells, "GIT 'ER DONE, WOO HOO"!!! And to add to the embarrassment, he shakes his butt when he does it.
Now, this little song and dance got her attention for sure. I mean, seriously, I can't compete with that. What could I possibly do or say that would top that one. He managed to get the attention of everyone in the store and probably everyone in the parking lot as well.
When I got up to the counter, having realized what a fan base he had created, he did it one more time as an encore performance. The cashier completely lost his train of thought and had to ask me again if I needed anything else. I wanted to say, "Yes, a shotgun", but that probably wouldn't go over too well in a convenience store.
So, now that he got her attention, what do you think would happen if he asked her out? She would probably agree because he was the kind of guy that commanded attention. They would probably date for a few weeks and she would see his little dance and hear his mating call of "Git 'er done, woo hoo" a few hundred times. Then, you would hear the poor girl complaining to her friends about what an obnoxious jerk he is.
Ironically, it is because he is an obnoxious jerk that he got her attention in the first place. I think that some women look for this and actually believe that it is a sign of dominance and strength of character at first. Then, later on they expect him to transform into the man of their dreams.
For men, it is very simple, Stick with what works. If, "Git 'er done, woo hoo" is what landed the girl in the first place, keep up the good work. Why change a winning strategy?
This is just an example and these two people didn't actually start dating. I used this as a hypothetical situation. But I have been to the bars and watched what gets womens attention. It hasn't always been good.
So, if you are a single woman and don't seem to be having much success with finding a man, you may want to think about what it is that gets your attention or even distracts you from seeing what could be standing right next to you.

More compelling evidence that Chelle B is the anit-christ

I was reading a post from a fellow blogger over at BlogCatalog who described herself as the Anti-christ. I couldn't help but to ask myself, "Could this be true?" Now I have noticed that I am strangely drawn to the avatar that she hides behind in the discussion forums. It is a mesmerizing picture of some sort of cartoon like woman that appeals to my inner child.
What could it possibly be about this strange image that has me so captivated? I decided to take a break from normal hobby of creating myspace comments over at How2life and delve deeper into this mystery. So, I loaded up every available image manipulating program that I have and went straight to work.
Now, granted I'm not exactly a top detective or investigative journalist and I'm not exposing any new information here. I just had to satisfy my own curiosity. Furthermore, before you continue reading I want to warn you that the images you are about to see may shock you. I'd also like to state that I am not a scientist and these are not scientific findings and are based simply on my own opinions and observations.
Alright, now that we cleared that up, let's move on. I started with the original image. After gazing at it with awe and wonder for about an hour, I loaded it into photopaint.

Now I know what you are thinking, "Seems harmless enough". Well, that's exactly what she wants to to think. There must be something here. To start with I had to make the image larger, so I magnified it.
Now we are getting somewhere. Even with big boxy pixels I just can't take my eyes of of this seemingly harmless avatar. So innocent and sweet in a sexy and seductive way. The anti-christ must be a marketing genius. I had to force myself to stop staring at the enticing pixels and trudge onward with my mission. The image as a whole was just too tempting so I decided to take just a small biopsy of it and work with that. Now, I was starting to feel more like a scientist working with just a small piece of the inti-christ. Yes, I take my biopsy sample and head to the lab for further testing.
It was at this point that things got really interesting. Something was beginning to appear that I didn't see before in the smaller picture. "Oh, that clever woman", I thought to myself. But you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me.

So, do you see it? Neither did I at first. I had to go back to the very beginning, the early days of computers and the internet. To think like the anti-christ you have to become the anti-christ. I didn't like where I was going with this. What evil path was I going down and would I be able to return? Is it worth it to thrust myself into the deep dark world of the Offended blogger just to quench my thirst for the truth.
I decided to take a break and do some research on the subject. I dusted off my old X-files DVD's to find out what Mulder and Scully would do. At last, I had found my inspiration.
My thinking was right, it did have to do with the early beginnings of the computers and internet. An image on the internet is a binary file, a series of one's and zero's working as a team to represent colored pixels on a screen. That is where I will find my answer. Looking deeper into the image maybe the one's and zero's can be retranslated somehow. Maybe it's a secret code.
The answer was even more shocking and elegantly simple. They are not zero's at all.

They are actually Sixes.
On it's most basic, primal level the image is pure evil. This clever woman is using subliminal advertising to lure in her followers and I almost fell victim to her feminine whiles. Clearly this explains how someone can start a discussion about "Baking soda" and have thousands of people responding to her. It's not about baking soda at all. It's about a picture being worth a thousand words. Turns out that this picture is saying, "Come to the dark side, we have cookies that I made with my very own baking soda recipe".
Obviously, the opinions here are strictly for my own amusement and have nothing to do with science or the anti-christ. This is all done in good fun and I enjoy my discussions with my friends at BlogCatalog. And hopefully Chelle B will find it in her heart to forgive me for using her as the subject matter of this post.

Bloggers getting sued and fired.

I was watching the news and a fellow blogger from my state is getting sued for $25M over comments that he made about a developer in his real estate blog. I'm not going to go into specifics or name names for fear of generating my own lawsuit but I don't really think that this is fair. So I want to cover a few areas that I think this lawsuit will end up setting a precedence for:
"In print, it's Libel" Yes, there are laws against making statements that can harm someones income potential if the statements are not actually facts. You need to clearly state that your statement is opinion based or editorial. Now, not all bloggers have taken any sort of journalism class and there are some bloggers that think they are writers despite having no formal training. Every blogger should study up on the Libel laws.
"A blog by any other name" Warning, the following statement is purely opinion and should not be taken as fact, expressed or implied, in any context. I think that by definition, a blog is a personal journal and should be assumed by the reader to be opinion based. Unless otherwise stated within the blog that a statement is a verifiable fact. For example when pepsi got sued by some tv viewer that actually tried to buy a fighter jet with pepsi points because he saw it in the commercial. Yes, it seems like false advertising but the courts ruled that it was obviously a joke and the tv viewer should have known better.
"Freedom of speech", the ability to speak freely without censorship. Granted, we still have to stick to the Libel laws as mentioned above but should blogging be considered news or just opinion? Again, this is a very gray area.
"Can you make money blogging" Well, it seems like we are about to find out if you can make more money blogging or more money suing bloggers. It seems like everyone these days wants to make a quick buck. Unfortunately, many people think that the best way to do that is to file a lawsuit against someone. I'm afraid this may be the beginning of what will be a whole slew of people vs bloggers lawsuits.

Unfair Pricing tactics used by gas companies

It seems that the gas companies use a very interesting strategy in determining the price per gallon of gas. We have all heard some of the reasons (or excuses) for the rising cost of gas, the war in Irag, the fire at a refinery, etc... My favorite reason was the one about the cost of transporting gas has increased (So, gas prices went up because of the rising cost of gas).
But what you may not know is that the gasoline companies have some partners in this situation. Companies that you may think are on your side, looking out for the little guy, are actually helping the gas companies to get an unfair advantage.
In a press release from AAA, results from a survey of their members revealed that 32.1 million people were planning a trip by car this summer. AAA considers this a 1.8% increase over last year and reports that the gas prices are not making travelers alter their vacation plans.
A separate survey by Travel Industry America went so far as to say that gas prices would have to reach $3.50 a gallon before people cut back on their driving. This is the exact same thing as the gas companies doing a survey asking people how much they are willing to pay for gas. The only difference is that people are actually answering the travel companies.
Yet another independent survey from a company that is most likely owned by a gas company stated that consumers planned to cut back on their shopping so they could afford gas.
So, now the gas companies have all the information that they need to know that the prices are not yet high enough, what the maximum price would be and they know that they can even raise prices beyond that and customers will still buy gas they just won't eat.
Not surprisingly, gas prices went up the day after the press release, so what is the reason for that increase? I think the real reason for the increase is imply that they want to make more money. My idea is to call the gas companies using SpoofCard
to make it look like I am calling from the Associated Press. Then conduct an interview using LiarCard
and ask why the gas prices are rising.

Dating married men.

I read somewhere that 35% of the men on the online dating sites are already married. It kinda makes sense, only married men have time to date. I mean, if I had a wife at home to do chores, cook and babysit the kids, I would have time to date. But as a single guy, I have to mow the lawn, cook, clean, dust, the list goes on and on.
Of course I am not being sexist, I am being sarcastic. I really don't think it is fair to us single guys that married men get to have two women.
Then, I watched Oprah and the women they had on that show were talking about dating married men. Yep, they actually new these men were married and kept dating them. One of them even went so far as to say that she thought if the sex was good enough he would leave his wife for her. Are you kidding me? Now sex is like an Olympic event, if you are a married man, you have women competing for the Gold.
I immediately called my best friend (Who is a woman) and said, "We gotta get married so I can find a woman that will have sex with me competitively". It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out this is the winning combination. I'm thinking that the reason I am having such bad luck dating is because there is no wedding band on my finger.
Now, let me straighten this mess out for you. If you are dating a married man, you are on the back burner. He won't leave his wife for you and if he does that just moves you to the front burner and he will find another back burner woman just like he found you. And if you think that you are going to change him, consider this, Why would he change if it is working for him? I'm sure he told you some story about how he can't leave his wife right now for financial reasons or because of the kids and you believed it. That's a load of bull. You need to just let him go. You don't have to believe me, you can get a LiarCard
and put him to the test.
We need to get real here and think about stuff a little more intelligently. And, I need to stop watching Oprah. Most of her shows are great but some of them make me want to hurl myself off of the nearest cliff. Luckily, there's not a whole lot of cliffs in Florida.

Are the Doctors picking on me?

A few years ago, despite my very good life, I felt tired and depressed. I had no reason to feel depressed at all so I figured it must be a health problem. I went to the doctor and underwent a series of tests, mostly written.
After reviewing the tests, the doctor tells me that I suffer from Severe Acute Depression. I tell him that I am uncomfortable in social settings and he says that I may also have Social Anxiety Disorder.
Now, I felt fine all summer, it was only in the winter that I began feeling rundown and depressed. Upon hearing this the doctor delivers another possible diagnosis of Seasonal Affection Disorder.
So, lets review here what this doctor is telling me, Severe Acute Depression (SAD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Seasonal Affection Disorder (SAD), are you kidding me? Do the doctors do this on purpose? Why is it that anything that has to do with depression is S.A.D.?
So, I asked a friend why the test I took seemed to ask the same question over and over just worded differently. He said that it was a form of Psychological Inversion Scoring Test. So, basically, the doctor gave me a PIS Test so he could tell me I was SAD.

Great Ideas for Phone use.

Here's a few things that you probably didn't know that you could do with your phone. Using Spoof card, you can place a call from any phone and change the number and name that shows up on caller ID. You can also change your voice to male or female and even record the call. With April fools day approaching, this would be a great way to play a prank on your friends but it also has some more practical uses. If you just met someone and they gave you their number and you want to call them but aren't sure if you want them to have your number yet use spoof card to test the waters. If the conversation doesn't go well, don't worry, they won't be able to call you back. If it does go well, you can give them your number at the end of the call or call them again without the service. You can also make business calls from your personal home or cell phone and have the caller ID show up as your business phone number. So, you can take a day off, stay at home and still get your business calls made without going into the office. You can try this service once for free at SpoofCard

Liar card allows you to make a phone call from any phone and have a normal conversation with someone and then go online to a secure website to view the results of the voice polygraph test. Find out if someone is lying to you without them knowing, just by talking to them on the phone. This is great for getting a better business deal or catching a friend that isn't being honest. Imagine going to buy a new car, and telling the salesman that you will call them and let them know what you decide. Then, call them and ask them if that was the lowest price they could give you. If the results come back that they are lying, you can try to negotiate a better deal before you sign the papers. Use this same technique for all of your business deals to gain a competitive edge. All you need to do is set up an account and you are ready to go. Are you being lied to? Find out with LiarCard.

Want to know if someone is attracted to you? Simply make a phone call using Love detect from any phone and have a normal conversation with them. Then stay on the phone or go online to see the results. You will get a rating from 0 to 10 as well as levels of anticipation, embarrassment and concentration that the service detected in the persons voice. This works best on new relationships where there is still a sense of nervousness and anticipation. Use this to decide if you should continue dating someone or move on. It might be a good way to tell if this person likes you and is playing hard to get or just isn't interested. Try it at LoveDetect