Unfortunately, my life is based on real events. Honestly, I couldn't possibly make this stuff up, it's way too delicious. Do you ever wonder what people are thinking? I do all the time. I'm not sure what it is about me but people will feel like they can just walk right up to me and say the weirdest things. On a rare occasion something will happen that just leaves me speechless.
The other day I was walking through the mall by myself just to look around, get some exercise and, I'll admit it, I was scoping out the babes. Now, keep in mind that I am just minding my own business so the interaction I was about to endure was completely unwarranted.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw this woman approaching. She was very hard to miss, even far away she looked close up. Oh, this image was enormous to begin with and just kept getting bigger and bigger with every step she took towards me.
Normally, this would not even be a story, and it wasn't the fact that she was overweight that made her so memorable. Oh no. This woman had somehow managed to squeeze her body into the tiniest of outfits in a process that must have included a giant shoe horn and a drum of Astroglide. The whole thing looked like it was a performance test for the breaking point of Spandex. She had this "Hot pink" low cut top and a black mini-skirt, both made from possibly the strongest materials known to man. She looked like Jabba the Hut coming out of Victorias secret.
Now, for some reason, the sonar on this cruise ship is targeting me and she is on an intercept course. This costume that she is wearing leaves very little to the imagination and offers no support at all for the protrusion of excess belly flab that she is intentionally shaking with every step she takes towards me.
Here is where it gets good. I stand my ground, like a fearless warrior as Goliath approaches. She rubs against me and says, "MmmmHmmm, you can't have none of this" and continues walking.
At first I was convinced that somewhere on her persons she was concealing a large, fully loaded pizza that she must have been talking about. But no, she was actually referring to some sort of mating scenario.
I have no idea what I could possibly have done to deserve this. I wasn't even looking at her. My best guess is that I just look approachable. And for some strange reason she felt very compelled to inform me that she was way out of my league.
The only thing bigger than this womans grocery bill is her confidence level. Can you even imagine how good it must feel to walk around, that confident and self-assured? This woman believes deep down that she is sexy. To end this on a positive note, I honestly admire her for her self image. However, I don't admire her for eating Britney Spears and stealing her wardrobe.