Sunday, March 23, 2008

Ummm, Do I want any?

Unfortunately, my life is based on real events. Honestly, I couldn't possibly make this stuff up, it's way too delicious. Do you ever wonder what people are thinking? I do all the time. I'm not sure what it is about me but people will feel like they can just walk right up to me and say the weirdest things. On a rare occasion something will happen that just leaves me speechless.

The other day I was walking through the mall by myself just to look around, get some exercise and, I'll admit it, I was scoping out the babes. Now, keep in mind that I am just minding my own business so the interaction I was about to endure was completely unwarranted.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw this woman approaching. She was very hard to miss, even far away she looked close up. Oh, this image was enormous to begin with and just kept getting bigger and bigger with every step she took towards me.
Normally, this would not even be a story, and it wasn't the fact that she was overweight that made her so memorable. Oh no. This woman had somehow managed to squeeze her body into the tiniest of outfits in a process that must have included a giant shoe horn and a drum of Astroglide. The whole thing looked like it was a performance test for the breaking point of Spandex. She had this "Hot pink" low cut top and a black mini-skirt, both made from possibly the strongest materials known to man. She looked like Jabba the Hut coming out of Victorias secret.
Now, for some reason, the sonar on this cruise ship is targeting me and she is on an intercept course. This costume that she is wearing leaves very little to the imagination and offers no support at all for the protrusion of excess belly flab that she is intentionally shaking with every step she takes towards me.
Here is where it gets good. I stand my ground, like a fearless warrior as Goliath approaches. She rubs against me and says, "MmmmHmmm, you can't have none of this" and continues walking.
At first I was convinced that somewhere on her persons she was concealing a large, fully loaded pizza that she must have been talking about. But no, she was actually referring to some sort of mating scenario.
I have no idea what I could possibly have done to deserve this. I wasn't even looking at her. My best guess is that I just look approachable. And for some strange reason she felt very compelled to inform me that she was way out of my league.
The only thing bigger than this womans grocery bill is her confidence level. Can you even imagine how good it must feel to walk around, that confident and self-assured? This woman believes deep down that she is sexy. To end this on a positive note, I honestly admire her for her self image. However, I don't admire her for eating Britney Spears and stealing her wardrobe.

16 comments:

Asphodel said...

Well...when yer hawt, yer hawt! ;)

Brandi Magill said...

Oh you poor baby;~)

Sally@MyriadLife said...

Oh come on now, weren't you just a little bit tempted? AAAGH!!!

I see such horrors on the market quite often which reminds me, summer is not far away... Yikes

SSB said...

I am over weight but I'm not offended because it offends me to see another overweight person with like stuff hanging out. I weny to the beach once and there was a very large lady laying not on a towel but a blanket. The blanket was smothered in her. I am a towel this woman was a blanket and on top of that she was in a bikini. I will never ever pretend I'm a skinny girl. That was too nasty.

Ekim said...

This has nothing to do with her weight, that just added to the fact that what she was wearing should never have gone outside her bedroom. I've seen overweight women that look beautiful in the proper attire.
It was her boldness that made me laugh, not her size.

The Blogger Exposed said...

Ummm Hmmmm...Now THAT'S a jelly shake!

Mewie said...

I haven't had a good laugh in a long time. You are hilarious.

I also wish I ate my lunch BEFORE reading your post. Ugh...

timethief said...

Honey you don't want none of what that woman has going on. You are a good looking and intelligent man and your tires aren't in need of re-treading. So, obviously you have no use for a blubber lover. ;-)

Tiffany said...

I think there was some kind of Candid Camera thing going on here.

Ekim said...

@tiffany. "The camera adds ten pounds", maybe there were a lot of cameras.

Azure Islands Designs said...

Great story!!! I always wonder how women walk or sit down in clothing that tight...not comfortable!!! ~H~

cayasm said...

I say this to a lot of women just because they have it your size doesn't mean you should buy it, and I wondered why we hadn't seen Britney for a while..Cayasm

Jard The Great said...

HAhahaha... funny. Enough sad.

Theresa H. Hall said...

Did she have a giant hairstyle too? OOH La La

Delighted Scribbler said...

LOL! I know what you mean! Self confidence is a beautiful thing, but visual contamination is just not okay.

And let me just say, for fat and thin, hideous and gorgeous, and everyone in between: tight clothing that wrings body parts into high relief... not sexy... in any context.

tiger said...

AV,無碼,a片免費看,自拍貼圖,伊莉,微風論壇,成人聊天室,成人電影,成人文學,成人貼圖區,成人網站,一葉情貼圖片區,色情漫畫,言情小說,情色論壇,臺灣情色網,色情影片,色情,成人影城,080視訊聊天室,a片,A漫,h漫,麗的色遊戲,同志色教館,AV女優,SEX,咆哮小老鼠,85cc免費影片,正妹牆,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,聊天室,情色小說,aio,成人,微風成人,做愛,成人貼圖,18成人,嘟嘟成人網,aio交友愛情館,情色文學,色情小說,色情網站,情色,A片下載,嘟嘟情人色網,成人影片,成人圖片,成人文章,成人小說,成人漫畫,視訊聊天室,性愛,a片,AV女優,聊天室,情色