Saturday, July 12, 2008

All the wrong answers

Over my many years on this planet (well, not "Many" but a few) I have learned a few things that I feel obligated to pass on to others. Ya know, just to help the greater good. What I learned may not be all that helpful as I never really learned the right things to say. However, I can help you to avoid some of the mistakes I made by passing on "All the wrong answers".
These answers have been personally tested and I can assure you that you do not want to try these at home.

If you are reading this, it may be too late for the first one. When I was younger and did something wrong (Which almost never happened) my Mom would say, "The next thing you ask for, the answer is NO". One time, I replied with, "Can I go to school tomorrow?"

When dealing with the police, I want to warn you that they seem to lack a sense of humor. When they ask if you have any guns or other weapons, I have noticed that, "Oh yeah, what do you need?" is the wrong response. Also, "Hey, you have your own", goes over like a fart in church.

When it comes to relationships, I have not had much success. I have however learned a great deal about what "All the wrong answers".
When a woman asks, "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?",
the wrong answer is, "No, no, the fourth trip through the buffet line made your butt look fat".

When a woman asks, "Where you just looking at that other woman?",
the wrong answer is, "NO! I was just looking at her boobs, not the whole woman".
Maybe volunteering too much information is a bad thing.

This normally leads to the next question that women like to ask, "What does she have that I don't have?".
The wrong answer, as I found out, is, "My undivided attention".

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

What organic means to a many man

It seems that coolness is determined by what we eat. First there were vegetarians, that seemed simple enough. As more and more people became vegetarians just to be cool, along came vegans. When that wasn't enough there became more levels of devotion to the lifestyle like people that don't eat anything with a face or that casts a shadow. Eventually, the coolest thing will be to not eat anything at all.

Don't get me wrong, I understand being vegetarian if you are doing it because it is healthy or you don't like to think about animals dying just so you can eat. However, the animals that we most commonly eat are bred for the sole purpose of becoming food. They get free medical treatment and don't have to pay rent. Personally, I think they have it pretty good.

Now, I myself am an animal lover. Especially with barbeque sauce. For every person that is offended by that statement, there is a farmer that is trying to raise his family who is glad I said it.

Now, what throws me through a loop is the new, dare I say, over use of the word "Organic". Great, a whole new level of coolness. I am totally against the senseless slaughter of innocent vegetables for the sole purpose of consumption in the first place. Now, you are telling me that they are being tortured by being denied pesticides and chemicals? That's like denying them medical treatment. Well, I won't stand for it. I will however sit for it and have my steak next to my non-organic mashed potatoes.

So, what does "Organic" mean to a manly man? Well, I have organic brake pads on my truck. I'm sure they are very tasty.