Saturday, August 30, 2008


I don't have cable. I know that's a shock because many people look at me like I have a third eyeball when I tell them that. To me, it doesn't seem all that strange at all, I just don't watch that much tv.

What does seem strange to me is having basic cable. Television is broadcast for free, as it should be, because the programs are sponsored. Why would anyone pay good money to watch advertisements?

Now, I'm not encouraging anyone to drop their cable. I don't want to put the cable companies out of business, that would cost a lot of people their jobs. However, imagine if everyone did drop their cable and stopped watching. The companies that spend millions of dollars each year on commercial advertising might have to spend that money on making better products that actually work in order to get customers. Imagine not being able to convince people that they want to buy your products that they don't need. Shocking, I know.

Radio is free. People don't scoff at me when I tell them that I listen to the radio. Now, you can get satellite radio and pay for it, without the commercials. Wait, that actually makes sense.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


I can barely remember sequences of random numbers and letters that are in normal type.

Now, swirl them around and distort them and I get really confused.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with my greatest achievement so far

The Captcha friendly keyboard:

Finally, we can surf the web and successfully enter Captchas without the use of the magic shrooms.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

visual delays

I'm sure that anyone who drives is able to feel my pain on this one. All I want to do is get home but the right lane is blocked off and traffic is backed up for miles. The problem is that even with just one lane, the traffic should still be moving but it isn't.

There is a traffic light way up there that I watch turn from red to green many times and I still have not moved much at all. At this point, it is less like a traffic light and more like the sphincter on Constipation Boulevard. I can't wait to get beyond this thing and be in the fast moving, watery lanes of sewer street (Now there's an analogy that I took too far).

I'm thinking this has to be something good, maybe aliens have landed or bigfoot is directing traffic. I can't imagine what is making traffic move sofa king slow. This is what they call a visual delay, there is really no reason for the traffic to be backed up. People are just getting a good look at what they closed the lane for. It's really not that difficult, light turns green Go!

I'll admit, I can't wait to see what is going on that is so interesting that I am growing a beard while waiting to get home. And with gas costing an arm and a leg, I'd like to get moving. My mind is going crazy thinking about all the possibilities of what I am about to see if I ever get up that far.

It was a man with a shovel, people, a man with a shovel. He wasn't even in the road, he was off to the side of the road, digging in the grass. I mean, I hate to disappoint you, that's just not that interesting, I really wanted to see aliens or Elvis.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

A public service

I was at the beach once and this older couple was leaving. The guy was struggling to get the beach umbrella closed and the older lady barked, "It doesn't take a brain scientist to figure it out". I got a good laugh from the "Brain scientist" bit. If you plan to make someone feel stupid, make sure you don't sound like a moron while you are doing it. For the record, "Brain surgeon" or "Rocket scientist" would be the correct words to say.

Today, it dawned on me that I often bite my tongue when I shouldn't. I should speak my mind and let the world know my thoughts, it would be a great public service. Just think how many lives I could touch and even correct just by letting them know exactly what I am thinking.

This realization came to me as I was buying groceries. Now, as I single man, I have asked out and been rejected by a few women (Which, by the way, is a huge turn-off). That part is not at all relevant to this story, I just wanted to make a "Shout out" to the single ladies that read my blog.

Ok, enough of that, back to my story. The guy that was bagging my groceries was talking to the cashier. He asked her, "You know that dorky guy that comes in here with the glasses?". He goes on to talk about how nerdy this guy is and tells her that he asked one of the cashiers out on a date.

At this point, I looked at him and just had to laugh. So, he says to me, "The guy is really dorky", thinking that I am laughing with him. Oh now this is where I had to bite my tongue and I shouldn't have. I wasn't laughing because I agreed with this guy. What I wanted to say was, "You bag groceries"!

Seriously, this guy bags groceries for a living. He takes the spaghetti sauce and tampons and puts them in a bag for people, that is his contribution to society. And he thinks that he has the right to pick on someone for being nerdy. Hello, nerdy guy probably makes in one day what you make all year. Not that there is anything wrong with bagging groceries, someone has to do it. I just don't think that you have the right to talk smack about customers in front of other customers.

This guy actually believes that I think he is funny but I just think he's an ass. It doesn't take a brain scientist or a rocket surgeon to put groceries in a plastic bag. Besides, do they talk about the "white men can't jump" guy with his hat backwards as soon as I leave? Sure, the cashier is much better of with the guy that bags groceries, why would she want someone that could afford to buy groceries.

Now, for the grocery baggers who are about to leave me derogatory comments, I did say that there is nothing wrong with bagging groceries but you shouldn't talk bad about other customers in front of customers. Save that talk for the break room.

Being offended

I was actually reading another blog by some woman who thinks she is funny. She claims to be the anti-Christ or something. Don't go there but the link is here, just so I can say that I sited my sources.
Anyway, now back to me. So, the line said that being offended was the bi product of going outside or something like that. That line really got me thinking and albeit funny, I had to prove this wrong.

Now, before we go any further, let me just say that I am all about low expectations so I don't post too many of my brilliant thoughts. That's right, just the crappy ones (only the best for my readers). Seriously though, if I start posting epiphanies, Oprah moments or life changing ideas on here, that's what you are going to start to expect from me. Nope, we can't have any of that around here.

Anyway, back on track. I was pondering this very line as I was sitting in McDonalds having my cheeseburger. There's nothing like a good cheeseburger and this was nothing like a good cheeseburger. I got to thinking about the clown that the kids love. Ya'know, Ronald, the giver of cheeseburgers and nuggets. In fact, if you ask most kids where cheeseburgers come from, I'll bet they would say, "McDonalds".

Sure, why not. For some strange reason, we would rather think that cheeseburgers come from a clown than a cow. To me, that seems a bit creepy but if you think about the cow in the slaughterhouse, that is just offensive. Then, it struck me, being offended is when reality slips through your illusions. See, we like to have the illusion that a cheeseburger comes from a clown but the reality is that is comes from a dead cow and when the reality sneaks past our illusion, we find ourselves being offended.

We all want the cops to put the bad guys in jail and keep us safe. We have the illusion that the cop says, "You're under arrest" and the guy just puts his hands behind his back and gets in the car. The reality is that the bad guys try to run and even fight because, believe it or not, they don't like to go to jail. So, the cops often have to use some sort of force to get these guys off the streets but if we see a video of it, we get offended. See, reality slips past our illusions and we become offended.

Granted, I am still going to enjoy my cheeseburgers and that may go over like a fart in church but like I said, I'm all about low expectations. Oh hey, "Fart in church", another great example, reality is that people fart, illusion is that they don't do that in church. Well, except those people that don't worry about offending anyone, they probably fart wherever they want, like that offended blogger.