Sunday, June 26, 2011

Wait, that's not funny

This morning I woke up and wondered, "Is today a good day to start making my own decisions?"  I even sought out some sage advice by posting this delightfully ironic query on Facebook, like any responsible adult would.  You see, I've decided to flip the coin on my life and become a full-time web designer and part-time construction worker.  That's right folks, the random rambler is going back to school.  Call it a mid-life crisis or a life altering epiphany but I've decided to follow my dream of becoming that old guy who works for some nerdy kid.  Gosh, I should put that on my resumé.

Now, I've always had the philosophy that being a geek wasn't a boolean value but had many shades of bcbcbc.  And, though I've always dabbled with web design, I've recently noticed that I start to drool at the thought of getting another website to work on.  Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell? Anyway, I took that as an indicator that it's time to transition from tool belt to pocket protector.  Which might actually mean that I'll have more time to devote to blogging.  I'll be at a computer anyway so it won't be out of my way.  It's hard to be on Facebook and blogger when you're operating a jackhammer. No really, you should try it sometime.  Or better yet, try using a jackhammer when you have a head cold, that's some fun stuff.  And by head cold, I mean hangover.  They're the same thing, right?  

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I've been altered

And not in  a fun way.

Okay, so I know that it's been a long time since I've been on Blog Catalog but my recent visit was a little frightening. Apparently, while I was away, the default profile image changed a little. It's seems that you can now upload a larger picture. Which is nice, if you happen to have caught that change. I, however, missed the memo. So, my tiny picture got expanded and became all pixelated like this:

Yikes! I mean, come on now. I look like a character from Mario Brothers. Like, maybe Nintendo did a video game version of White men can't jump. Of course, most people know that Mario has a brother named Luigi. But, did you also know that they have a blond step-brother who likes to wear his hat backwards? That's right, in this 80's classic arcade game, I play the character who cleans up after the Mario brothers and talks to mice. My catch-phrase is, “It's a me, Ekimio”.

But it gets worse. I logged in again today to find that my pixelated abomination of a profile picture had been changed to this woman:

Now, as cute as she may be, I'm telling you people... She's an imposter. I know, I know, it's hard to believe that the random rambler doesn't look like this in real life. And, that stupid little gender bot thing said that I write like a girl. Yeah, that's what it said. But, I didn't let that get me down. I put on my big girl panties and kept right on writing. Besides, it was analyzing my typing, not my writing. Which looks exactly like this:

Actually, I think I write like a doctor (I just don't get paid like one) A doctor who has had too much caffeine and is off of his seizure meds. Seriously, wouldn't you want to lay on my table and have me pick up a scalpel? Come on, I have steady hands (sort of) and I'm pretty handy with tools. Don't let my sloppy writing discourage you. Now, the fact that I'm a construction worker and not a surgeon should discourage you.

Which reminds me, I have a million dollar idea. I plan to add caffeine to orange juice and make an energy drink with vitamins. I'll call it “Pep-C”. It should sell like crazy when it gets all the bad publicity of being a trademark infringement that sounds like a disease.

I should also put some of that Ginko Biloba stuff in it. I don't have a good memory and it's hard for me to keep track of what I've done and haven't done. I should also put some of that Ginko Biloba stuff in it. I don't have a good memory and it's hard for me to keep track of what I've done and haven't done.  

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

False Advertising

I've been the victim of false advertising.  I like being the victim because it's much batter than saying, "I made a stupid decision and, rather than learn from it, I made it again and again".  Anyway, back to my victimness.  You know how certain products are supposed to make you thinner, taller, sexier, less bald, smarter (okay, that one's a stretch of irony) or give you more energy?  But, when you actually use them, you realize that all they did was make you less rich?  Yeah, I had that happen to me.

You see, all these years I've been smoking.  Not because I wanted an expensive and bad habit but because it was supposed to make me like the Marlboro man.  Well, aside from certain other things.  Like, I know I don't wear a cowboy hat and I don't ride a horse.  And I don't live in the West and work on a ranch.  But not that I couldn't.  I mean, I could totally do that and the only thing stopping me is that... I don't want to.  But, I could totally be the next great cowboy.  I'd just be one that doesn't like cowboy hats or horses.  Or cows.

But that's besides the point.  The point is that smoking was supposed to make me strong and rugged and cool and all those other cowboyish things.  But it didn't.  At least, I don't feel cool when I have to go outside of a restaurant and stand in the rain to smoke by myself.  I don't feel strong when I get winded going up a flight of stairs or... thinking about going up a flight of stairs.  I don't feel rugged when I burn my lips and scream like a school girl.  Okay, I made that part up.  I burn my fingers.

Anyway, you can't say that I didn't try.  I mean, I've been doing this for over 20 years and I'm no more of a cowboy now than I was when I started.  I want my money back.  Or, at least, a complementary pair of those really cool chaps.