False Advertising

I've been the victim of false advertising.  I like being the victim because it's much batter than saying, "I made a stupid decision and, rather than learn from it, I made it again and again".  Anyway, back to my victimness.  You know how certain products are supposed to make you thinner, taller, sexier, less bald, smarter (okay, that one's a stretch of irony) or give you more energy?  But, when you actually use them, you realize that all they did was make you less rich?  Yeah, I had that happen to me.

You see, all these years I've been smoking.  Not because I wanted an expensive and bad habit but because it was supposed to make me like the Marlboro man.  Well, aside from certain other things.  Like, I know I don't wear a cowboy hat and I don't ride a horse.  And I don't live in the West and work on a ranch.  But not that I couldn't.  I mean, I could totally do that and the only thing stopping me is that... I don't want to.  But, I could totally be the next great cowboy.  I'd just be one that doesn't like cowboy hats or horses.  Or cows.

But that's besides the point.  The point is that smoking was supposed to make me strong and rugged and cool and all those other cowboyish things.  But it didn't.  At least, I don't feel cool when I have to go outside of a restaurant and stand in the rain to smoke by myself.  I don't feel strong when I get winded going up a flight of stairs or... thinking about going up a flight of stairs.  I don't feel rugged when I burn my lips and scream like a school girl.  Okay, I made that part up.  I burn my fingers.

Anyway, you can't say that I didn't try.  I mean, I've been doing this for over 20 years and I'm no more of a cowboy now than I was when I started.  I want my money back.  Or, at least, a complementary pair of those really cool chaps.