Monday, September 29, 2008

Strange Behaviour

Why do people walk funny in the rain? I know you've seen this. They walk out of a building and see that it is raining so they duck their heads down. Why do they duck? Do they think the rain won't see them? It's coming from the sky, it's gonna hit you no matter how far you put your head down. Everybody does this. Like it's a well know fact that if you get lower to the ground the rain won't fall on you. Now, I'm no physics expert but I think there's a flaw in this theory.
Like the little rain drops are saying, "Aw Man, he ducked. Now we're never gonna get him".

I was out on a job once and lighting struck. The guy that I was working with started running. This is the funniest thing I've seen during a storm. Did he actually think he was going to outrun lightning? I mean, you have to have a pretty good self image to think that you can run faster than the speed of light. It's Lightning!!! By the time you hear it coming, it's too late to do anything about it. And where are you going to run to? For all you know, you are running to the next place it's gonna hit.
I understand that it scared him, he told me that when I looked at him like he was crazy. All I could think to say was, "Okay Flash, let's go home. It's about to rain and we can't work if we have to duck down".

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Do nothing

I am looking to form a group of activist that will not act. It may sound silly but I like things the way they are and I would like to keep them that way.

Here's my agenda:

I want to have money that says, "In God we trust".
As opposed to "In Government we trust". Yeah, right.

I want to have my favorite sports team keep the name they have instead of changing the name to something that is more politically correct.
Mainly because I already bought the jersey and now I just look silly when I wear my "Devil Rays" hat. Sorry, it's just "Rays" now but I did take a black sharpie and crossed out "Devil" so as not to offend anyone.

I want to be able to walk my dog on a leash, in accordance with the law, to prevent him from running out into traffic. Sorry PETA but I think the former is much more humane.

I'd like to be able to eat a steak instead of tofurkey. You can call it something that sounds like meat but that's like putting lipstick on a pig. Oh crap, wait, that would be animal testing, Sorry again PETA.

So, in this time of Obama calling for "Change", there are some things that I would like to see remain the same. If enough people join me we can sit on the steps of the courthouse Indian sty. . oh, I mean criss cross apple sauce. Wait, "Cross", isn't that a religious reference? Ok, maybe we should just stand.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Force fed salad

It was my sisters birthday but she doesn't read my blog so I can talk about her. We went out to dinner and she made me eat a salad. I didn't want a salad, did you know that lettuce is made out of heads? But, it was her birthday, so I felt obligated.

She's a vegetarian. For my birthday she's gonna have to eat a bacon double cheeseburger. She says that she is concerned about my health. Pffft, I'm as healthy as a horse. Hey, horse sounds more delicious than this salad. Waiter, can I get some meat on my salad?

Why is it that some vegetarians (Not my sister) feel like they need to convert you to their food religion? Can't you just eat your bowl of veggies and STFU? I don't preach to you and try to sprinkle your salad with bacon bits. It's like they are more right because they don't eat meat. Well, it makes me feel better to know that the meat I do eat comes from vegetarian animals.

Back to my point. Actually, I'm not sure that I have a point but anyway. I told my sister that she was placing a big burden on me and I have to eat twice as much meat now to make up for the fact that she is a vegetarian. I eat "double" cheeseburgers now because it pains me to think that poor little Mary Sue can't go to college because her Dad is a cattle farmer.

She was pretty good about that comment and just said, "That's nice of you". Darn, she didn't take the bait, now I feel terrible. "I'm just kidding", I said, "She can still go to college because her Dad makes money from the vegetable farmers, selling them the POOP that your food is grown in".
Bon Appetite!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Wordless whatevers

I'm gonna do one of those wordless whatevers. I think it's supposed to be on Wednesday but I lose track of days.

Also, for your amusement, I saw this funny picture a while ago:

Then I thought, "That poor bird is gonna be hungry again in 20 minutes".

Ok, maybe it wasn't entirely wordless or even on Wednesday but whatever.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Well, the news was really pissing me off tonight. The teaser said that it would be the end of the world. Apparently there is a science experiment that is going to be switched on tomorrow that will create a black hole that will suck up the world and we will all be dead.

Now, the news keeps teasing me with this and telling me that it will be coming up in the next segment while they talk about politics and schools.

I just need to go get groceries but first I want to know if I am going to be alive tomorrow. Should I buy something healthy or should I eat eight pounds of bacon and cheese for dinner? If I'm going to die, I don't want to die with money in the bank, I want to be overdrawn. Get to the point people, you're wasting my time.

Seriously, if I'm just gonna get sucked up into a black hole while I am sleeping let me go out in debt with clogged arteries. I damn sure don't want to eat a salad and pay my electric bill with my last little bit of money. Does it really matter who I vote for if we are all getting sucked into the black abyss?