Monday, June 9, 2008

Breeding an army of superhumans

I'm sure you know that we take vaccinations to make us immune to disease by being exposed to small amounts of the disease like chicken pox. Well, what if we could take that to the next level? Now I feel like a mad scientist. Bwahahaha!!!

This past weekend, I had my two daughters and they were both ill. And of course with all the projectile vomiting and hershey squirts going on, I knew I was bound to get it and I did. Despite the swarm of festering germs swirling about, my son did not get sick, he never does. This got me to thinking.

Many years ago, I read somewhere that kids who eat their own boogers have a stronger immune system because the boogers act like little vaccinations. Maybe my son used to eat his own boogers, I don't know. I do know that he is able to eat things that would make a buzzard puke, I've seen him do it.

After taking the girls back to their Mom, I went home and tried to sleep it off. I think the fever, and possibly the double shot of NyQuil gave me a wildly imaginative dream. Or, drug induced hallucination if you want to be all technical and stuff.

I was raising my kids all over again but this time I didn't discourage them from picking their nose and eating it, I encouraged it. I didn't stop there. If I was going to have my army of superhumans that would survive the next plague I had to go beyond, way beyond.
I told them that they must not limit themselves to eating their own boogers, they should also eat other peoples boogers.

Next up, the airport. We have to make sure that they are exposed to boogers from around the globe. Aha, it's my lucky day, that man just arrived from Singapore and he is blowing his nose. I ran up to him and asked, "Are you going to eat that"? Scratch Singapore off my list and as an added bonus, airplanes are know to have the most germ filled air know to man. Eat up kids.

At this point, the kids had to use the restroom. Ewww, public bathrooms are so disgusting. Hey, while you're in there, why don't you lick the rim of the toilet bowl? That should give your immune system a good boost. Ok, I'll admit that was a bad idea and was totally uncalled for. Because a more recent study determined that computer keyboards have way more bacteria than toilets. Hey kids, we're having qwerty for lunch.

Wow, being sick can give you some very strange dreams and NyQuil should be a controlled substance.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


I have to take a minute to do a quick post about the most annoying little bug that is really ruining my evening. I'm just sitting here, trying to get some work done and this single mosquito has bitten me over a dozen times.

Ok, I lied. I'm not actually working but all the pictures of Scarlett Johansson are not exactly going to download themselves.

Anyway, this little bug is so small that I can barely see him to squash him and yet he has bitten me like 37 times. How much can he eat?

Well, here's the deal, I would rather have him just bite me once, suck out like a gallon of blood and then go sit in the corner and smoke a cigarette. The part that gets me riled up is that he is treating me like an all you can eat buffet.

Oh and, of course, what the heck could possibly be in my ear that is so delicious? That annoying buzzing sound gets louder and louder until I slap myself upside the head, feeling and looking like a complete idiot.

I swear I am going insane and if I catch this little guy I am going to crush him into dust. I've lost so much blood and smacked myself in the head so many times that I am beginning to feel a little woozy.