I better start by warning you that I have had too much caffeine and not enough sleep. So, if you plan on reading this, buckle up it may be a bumpy ride as I jump around a bit. This is gonna end up being like that time my Jack Russel terrier found my hidden stash of crack. Of course I'm joking.
I've never owned a Jack Russel terrier.
I don't like to admit this but I have watched A few Oprah shows and read a few Cosmo issues. So, I know what a woman thinks she is supposed to do to keep a man interested. Apparently, she is supposed to get his attention and then act like she isn't interested. That should appeal to his hunting desire and make him chase her.
Personally, it just makes me feel like she forgot to take her Ritalin. Besides, The last time I put on my loin cloth and headed out the door with my trusty spear in hand was years ago.
Ok so it was yesterday but I really enjoy the freedom of the loin cloth and the feel of the gentle breeze on my cheeks.
There is also a thin line between pursuing a woman and being a stalker. For example, let's say a woman goes out on one date with a guy. The next day, she goes to work and comes home to find him lying in her bed with a rose in his teeth and he is wearing her panties. Is this a romantic pursuit or stalking behavior? The number one way to avoid being slapped with stalking charges is to be handsome.
That's easy to remember, it's the same difference between flirting and sexual harassment.
"Show him that you are relationship material". This is not best accomplished by rehashing every detail of a past and failed relationship. I'm really not convinced that she is even over this guy yet. Especially when she does that little Ex-Boyfriend tourette's syndrome thing. You know what I mean, "Back when I was going out with Daaaaaaanny".
Wait! Why did she say his name like that? Sure, maybe now she hates him with a passion. But, passion is passion and we are talking about a different fine line here, the fine line between love and hate.
Besides, at some point I start to feel like this is actually the conversation that she wanted to have with him but he won't listen to a word of it so now I gotta deal with it. So, now my mind is drifting off and singing "love the one your with" only with new lyrics: "And if you can't scream at the one you love, Honey, Scream at the one you're with". Then, I make the mistake of actually giving advice and that goes horribly wrong. Now, she's talking to me like I'm one of her gay friends, "Oh where did go wrong with Daaaaanny".
To make that even better, she really drives her point across by saying, "I wish I could find a single guy that's just like you". What the? I am a single guy just like me. Do I look like chopped liver to you or what? Oh this is really winning me over.
Now let me go off on a little tangent here. I don't have anything against gay men. I know a lot of women that come to them for advice on shoes, clothes and makeup. There is nothing wrong with that. However, Some women make the mistake of asking their gay friends for advice on dating. That's like asking a Child for tips on parenting. It may seem obvious that a gay guy would know how to date men but the truth is that gay guys know how to date gay men. Straight guys are completely different.
Women ask other women for advice on dating. That's funny. My ex wife once told me that she knew more about what women want in bed than I do. I am reasonably sure that I have had sex with more women than she has. Women lie to each other and I have to believe that they would tell me the truth about what they want in bed. You know why? Because I will actually do it.
It's easy for a woman to sit around with her female friends and say, "Oh I would never do that". Then, as soon as her friends leave she is digging through the junk drawer for the duct tape, blindfold and turkey baster.
Seriously, I have seen it happen. Well, maybe not the turkey baster part but I have had girlfriends that everyone thought were prudish and conservative but it turned out that... Oh, never mind, I'm getting off track.
My point is that it's just not that difficult. All these rules about dating are ridiculous. We are all just awkward creatures placed on the same planet. We are not from Mars or Venus. We all came from the same place, two consenting adults that put their differences aside long enough to exchange the bodily fluids that make us who we are today.
On a completely different note, for some reason I was just thinking, "But don't take my advice". That is like the ultimate paradox. If you don't take my advice then you are taking my advice about not taking my advice.
Alright, back on track. Unfortunately, I think that I am just at the point where I could have the woman of my dreams knock on my door and ask me if I want to go out with her tonight and my answer would be, "Gee, I wish I could but I'd rather stay home and eat shards of glass while rubbing my balls with a cheese grater".