Thursday, April 3, 2008

Unforgetable trip to the toy store.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time, taking my daughter to the toy store to let her pick something out. I just wasn't aware of the horrors I was about to face. Sometimes you can set out with the best intentions and find yourself trapped in the alternate universe of a 4 year old mind.

I'm not sure if I am being a good Dad or maybe I am just being lazy. My thought was that she would know what she wants better than anyone else. I had completely underestimate the obsessiveness of this mini-me when it comes to picking out the perfect gift for her favorite person...herself. We went through every isle very thoroughly over and over again. This gift had to be spectacular and magnificent. No ordinary present would do.

Toys become evil to adults that are held hostage by the hypnotizing effects they impose on our children. Oh this was no longer my daughter, this was the Queen of the toy store and we were on a mission to find her a new court jester.

I'm working on my sales skills with every toy I pick up, "Oh look at this one". Oh I swear I touched every toy from monster trucks to pink princess dress-up sets. At this point I am convinced that the toys are causing a sensory overload on us both.

Finally, she accepts a doll as her chosen new apprentice and my life can return to normal. After spending hours searching for the perfect toy I now find myself looking at another hour of waiting in line before I can reach the golden gates under the exit sign and free myself of this twilight zone. In the time it took to go from 35th to 2nd in line, I swear I grew a beard. My feet are sore, my back hurts and I can almost taste sweet freedom.

She had held that new doll so tightly to her chest the entire time that she really had not even taken a good look at it. Realizing this, she pulls the baby down and rests it on her lap. Personally, I think the dolls with the eyes that close when you lay them down are pretty cool. However, my daughter took this to be a sign that the baby was possessed by Satan himself. She lets out a horrendously loud scream and hurls the demon spawn into the air. Realizing that the laws of physics still apply to the exorcist doll, she scrambles to get out of the way as it plummets back to earth.
Now any parent knows that when a child screams with enough force, there is a moment of silence as the lungs reach empty and prepare to refill for another blast. It was at this very moment that I notice the entire store had come to a complete halt and all eyes were on us. They stood there with jaws dropped, gazing at the fear frozen child and the demon doll hovering above.

With cat like reflexes, I jump up to save my child from the descending icon of sin only to land into a face full of hot screaming. The timing could not have been better. And now I am faced with a long line behind me, no one in front of me and a captivated audience of very curious shoppers and employees. I now have precious seconds to diffuse this situation and convince my little girl that this is merely a toy and not the anti-christ from Mattel.
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As tempting as it was I did not pretend that the doll was biting my jugular as I held it. Instead, I assured her that the baby was very cool because it closed it's eyes to go night night. Of course I had to do this at a safe distance as she was convinced that the baby would start turning it's head completely around while vomiting on her. She did accept the new toy despite the demonic activity that it showed. At least until the first time she took a bath with it and water gushed from its eye sockets.

14 comments:

NesQuarX said...

Ahh... you should've shown her that there's nothing to be afraid of by making the doll's head do a 180. That should have been adequately pacifying.

Ekim said...

I know. You never have a gallon of fake blood around when you need one.

Anonymous said...

OMG ROTFLMAO

THANK YOU I NEEDED A GOOD LAUGH THIS MORNING.. I CAN JUST SEE MEGGIE FREAKING OUT LIKE THAT!! HAHA
PARENTING IS ALWAYS AN ADVENTURE

AUDRA

Anonymous said...

That wasnt megan, it was meee! lolz

i dont really care that you posted that.

i havent read all your blogs but stevie is sitting next to me and said you should post the one about your boss calling you a bad name then calling danny a bad name thats better than yours.

yeah that made me laugh.

Ekim said...

That's a great story too. I'll get to that one. I'm sure it will raise my blog up to R if not NC-17.

Leanne said...

Haha - Awwww, bless her! that's hillarious. Great read! :-)

Azure Islands Designs said...

Loved your shopping adventure...I have two grown children...son and daughter, and two 11 year old grandsons I can soooo relate to that experience...it made my morning!!!

~H~

Jack Payne said...

Lots of (recent) nostalgia here. Did much toy shopping with my 4-year old granddaughter, 4 years ago (she's 8 now). The perils you detail are very similar to my experiences. Nice reportorial style.

Ana said...

I loved reading your story on this...even though it wasnt like the happiest event that had happened to you, its fun, and i love your way of narration...it brings the reader closer to the actual event and i could see myself as one of those people gazing at you and your daughter with the whole store in utter silence :)

brightfeather said...

Your stories are delightful. :) When I read this one it brought back memories I had of being a caregiver for two little girls. One had an Amish doll without any facial features and the other little girl was sure it was a scary ghost doll. I had to tactfully consult parents and when I did I discovered they were not Amish so I got permission to embroider a face onto the doll. I did this one night when the mom accidentally on purpose forgot her. Well the next morning the girl who owned the doll saw it with a face and shrieked --- not in delight. "You ruined her she said accusingly. She looks just like me." Luckily the other little girl thought the doll was now sanctified and she traded her teddy bear for the doll. WHEW!

Internet Junkie said...

I tried bringing my daughter to the toy-shop on her 5th birthday; I also had her little sister in tow so I had to get her a toy too!

I thought she knew what she wanted (a toy she had seen on the TV ads) but once we were in the shop even after finding it she wanted to go through EVERYTHING!

She ended up getting something completely different and asking me if she could get the first toy she'd wanted for her next birthday.

Now whenever a birthday is coming up I take note of the ads my kids like and go to the toy shops when they are in school (well the little one's birthday is in August so I might have a problem there).

susan said...

smile..it's hard to be a dad. much more to be a mom

Svara said...

Aw you are such a great dad and I love your ramblings! Great writing and funny too! Brings back many fond memories of shopping with my little ones. Not so little anymore and they buy their own stuff now! Great post!

Louise, Carmine Superiore, Italy said...

What a great story - I was there every step of the way. My son is also 4. The birthday after his little sister arrived, my mother had the idea to give him a doll so that he could have a baby just like Mama (and perhaps be a little less jealous). He unwraps it, likes the look of it and picks it up. The supernaturally blue eyes open and he freaks, throws it into the air, runs into the corner and never looked at the thing again...PS Our golden rule? Never take the kids to buy presents for them. Ever.