Summer and spandex

I heard on the radio that a sense of humor is something that is learned and not a trait that you are born with. This got me to thinking who I could possibly have gotten my sense of humor from. The first thought that came to mind was an image that I have tried to block out of memory for many years. I can't be the only person who has these types of memories, can I.

It was the summer, I was eight years old and enjoying a good swim. My family and friends had all come to visit. We were all gathered around the pool when it happened. A distant sound got everyones attention, it was almost like a battle cry, “Yeeeaaaaahooooo”. Everyone turned toward the source of the noise and no one could believe their eyes.

My Dad had somehow managed to jam himself in my sister's one piece bathing suit and had emerged from the house for all to see. Now, let me tell you that spandex stretched that tightly around the male anatomy is not a sight for young eyes. Or eyes of any age. First of all, it was smashing body parts in a way that was, at best, uncomfortable and probably also explains why I don't have any younger siblings.

Secondly, the suit had been stretched to the point where it had become mostly transparent. It was like applying a very thin layer of paint to squashed manly bits and thinking it's a good idea to go out in public. This suit was pulled so tight that, had it been a slingshot, it could have launched a bowling ball into a shallow orbit.

To make matters worse, Dad started running towards us. As he dove into the water the bathing suit wedged itself into places that I never wanted to know existed. His voice was much higher pitched as he emerged from the water. Surprisingly the suit was still a one piece and had not become a bikini or...do they make a four piece?

Rumor has it that it was a chore to get the bathing suit off. It was kinda like giving birth, complete with umbilical cord and placenta (you don't want to know). A portion of the procedure was subcontracted out to a proctologist. I'm not sure why but my sister never wore that suit again. Imagine that.

Is that diarrhea on the shampoo bottle?

This morning I was enjoying my shower when I had to do a double-take at the shampoo bottle. "Is that diarrhea on the shampoo bottle?", I asked myself. It sure did look like it.

The shampoo is a daily moisture renewal formula and underneath that it says, "Hidratacion Diaria", which can only be pronounced "Diarrhea". It really made me stop and think before I put it in my hair.

Surely, this must be spanish for "daily moisture renewal". Maybe it's latin. That made me wonder what "Hidratacion" is. Is it a combination of "Hidra" meaning water and "Tacion" meaning suffocation? Would that be Drowning Diarrhea? Well, that's just gross.

If "diaria" is moisture, do I want to put moisturizer on my face? Sounds too much like "Diarrhea" to me. Do I really want to use facial diaria? Brings up images of a mud mask. I'd be sitting there with cucumber slices over my eyes with a good thick coating of facial diaria.

Or how about, "Feel my hands, I just rubbed diaria on them". Well, now, that sounds inviting. It's funny how some foreign words resemble english but in a much different way.

I know it can't be german, the german word for diarrhea is "spraysompoopin", I'm pretty sure. Besides, it makes more sense that diaria is moisture, I can see the connection.

The rest of the bottle is written in english. Except where it says, "Questions/Preguntas". Well, I have a few Preguntas, so maybe I should call the number. My first question is why did you put diaria on my bottle? If you are trying to appeal to the spanish speaking market, why not have spanish instructions as well?

Rebel without a clue.

My friend Ashley tells me that women are drawn to men that are "Bad Boys". Then, to make things worse, she tells me that I am not a "Bad boy".

Oh, I beg to differ. I am a bad boy, a true rebel. I work construction without a hard hat Ya'know?

I don't heed warnings at all. That's right, I am dangerous.
I take Tylenol and then I do not, "Keep out of reach of children".
In fact I stand right next to them.

I probably wouldn't have a headache if I did.

I don't lather, Rinse and repeat. I just lather and rinse.
I just lather and rinse.

Really, Ashley, I'm the guy your Mom warned you about.
Don't believe me?

I run with scissors, how do you like that?
And to make it better, they are left handed scissors in my right hand.
"Alert the authorities, he's gone mad!!!"

Now, if that's not "Bad Boy" enough for you, let me present you with
what I like to call "Exhibit A":

Feast your eyes on this baby!!

I ripped the tag of that mattress
Like it was nothing.

I didn't even hesitate

And I'm not the consumer either.

My Mom bought that mattress.

So I could do hard time for this.

I have this hanging on my refrigerator as a reminder of what a "Bad Boy" I am.
If the Mattress Police ever come to diner, I'll get busted.

Busted, I tell you!!! I'm living on the edge, full of Adrenaline and hard liquor.

Well, actually, Tang because it has a full days supply of vitamin C and I have a little case of the sniffles from the dust under the mattress. I could get sick from the germs and I don't wanna take any chances.

A "Bad boy" with green snot isn't very attractive, is he?

Are you serious

I like to listen to the radio and I am a big fan of well written lyrics. Some songs can just tug at your heart strings when you think about what the artist must have been going through to come up with such a beautiful combination of words. Some of the songs you can even relate to as they seem to be about your own experiences in life. It's nice to know that we are not alone in this world.
For me, that was the case with Taylor Swift's "Teardrops on my guitar". Well, Gender reversed of course, I felt like I could relate to this song of a love that will never be and going unnoticed.
Well, that's how I felt until I got back to my computer and searched for the song. This picture came up of the artist and I was like, "Are you serious?" This girl is amazingly beautiful, what is wrong with this guy Drew. Is he blind?
Now of course I know that looks aren't everything but I think that any man with even a remote ability to see would, at the very least, notice this angel. At this point it was becoming a little bit more difficult for me to feel bad for this poor girl. Now, my advice for Taylor is leaning more towards, "There are a lot of other fish in the sea, I'm sure you'll find one that doesn't have cataracts".
I'm not even being shallow. Remember that before I saw a picture of her, I heard the song, listened to the lyrics and it touched my heart. So, I feel like I got to know her a little before I actually saw what she looks like. My opinion here is based on thinking that she is a very sweet, articulate girl with a warm heart who just happens to be very pretty.

I don't mean to offend Taylor, Drew or any fans. I just wanted to express my opinion and maybe Taylor or other artists will get some insight into what fans think about their work.
Also, I just want Taylor to know that if Drew isn't interested and you need a shoulder to cry on I am available.

Dating married men.

I read somewhere that 35% of the men on the online dating sites are already married. It kinda makes sense, only married men have time to date. I mean, if I had a wife at home to do chores, cook and babysit the kids, I would have time to date. But as a single guy, I have to mow the lawn, cook, clean, dust, the list goes on and on.
Of course I am not being sexist, I am being sarcastic. I really don't think it is fair to us single guys that married men get to have two women.
Then, I watched Oprah and the women they had on that show were talking about dating married men. Yep, they actually new these men were married and kept dating them. One of them even went so far as to say that she thought if the sex was good enough he would leave his wife for her. Are you kidding me? Now sex is like an Olympic event, if you are a married man, you have women competing for the Gold.
I immediately called my best friend (Who is a woman) and said, "We gotta get married so I can find a woman that will have sex with me competitively". It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out this is the winning combination. I'm thinking that the reason I am having such bad luck dating is because there is no wedding band on my finger.
Now, let me straighten this mess out for you. If you are dating a married man, you are on the back burner. He won't leave his wife for you and if he does that just moves you to the front burner and he will find another back burner woman just like he found you. And if you think that you are going to change him, consider this, Why would he change if it is working for him? I'm sure he told you some story about how he can't leave his wife right now for financial reasons or because of the kids and you believed it. That's a load of bull. You need to just let him go. You don't have to believe me, you can get a LiarCard
and put him to the test.
We need to get real here and think about stuff a little more intelligently. And, I need to stop watching Oprah. Most of her shows are great but some of them make me want to hurl myself off of the nearest cliff. Luckily, there's not a whole lot of cliffs in Florida.

Are the Doctors picking on me?

A few years ago, despite my very good life, I felt tired and depressed. I had no reason to feel depressed at all so I figured it must be a health problem. I went to the doctor and underwent a series of tests, mostly written.
After reviewing the tests, the doctor tells me that I suffer from Severe Acute Depression. I tell him that I am uncomfortable in social settings and he says that I may also have Social Anxiety Disorder.
Now, I felt fine all summer, it was only in the winter that I began feeling rundown and depressed. Upon hearing this the doctor delivers another possible diagnosis of Seasonal Affection Disorder.
So, lets review here what this doctor is telling me, Severe Acute Depression (SAD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Seasonal Affection Disorder (SAD), are you kidding me? Do the doctors do this on purpose? Why is it that anything that has to do with depression is S.A.D.?
So, I asked a friend why the test I took seemed to ask the same question over and over just worded differently. He said that it was a form of Psychological Inversion Scoring Test. So, basically, the doctor gave me a PIS Test so he could tell me I was SAD.