Summer and spandex

I heard on the radio that a sense of humor is something that is learned and not a trait that you are born with. This got me to thinking who I could possibly have gotten my sense of humor from. The first thought that came to mind was an image that I have tried to block out of memory for many years. I can't be the only person who has these types of memories, can I.

It was the summer, I was eight years old and enjoying a good swim. My family and friends had all come to visit. We were all gathered around the pool when it happened. A distant sound got everyones attention, it was almost like a battle cry, “Yeeeaaaaahooooo”. Everyone turned toward the source of the noise and no one could believe their eyes.

My Dad had somehow managed to jam himself in my sister's one piece bathing suit and had emerged from the house for all to see. Now, let me tell you that spandex stretched that tightly around the male anatomy is not a sight for young eyes. Or eyes of any age. First of all, it was smashing body parts in a way that was, at best, uncomfortable and probably also explains why I don't have any younger siblings.

Secondly, the suit had been stretched to the point where it had become mostly transparent. It was like applying a very thin layer of paint to squashed manly bits and thinking it's a good idea to go out in public. This suit was pulled so tight that, had it been a slingshot, it could have launched a bowling ball into a shallow orbit.

To make matters worse, Dad started running towards us. As he dove into the water the bathing suit wedged itself into places that I never wanted to know existed. His voice was much higher pitched as he emerged from the water. Surprisingly the suit was still a one piece and had not become a bikini or...do they make a four piece?

Rumor has it that it was a chore to get the bathing suit off. It was kinda like giving birth, complete with umbilical cord and placenta (you don't want to know). A portion of the procedure was subcontracted out to a proctologist. I'm not sure why but my sister never wore that suit again. Imagine that.