Saturday, May 17, 2008

Stupidity stings a little

I watched my partner get stung in the face by a wasp. I know this wouldn't be funny for most people but it was hilarious. It wasn't the fact that he got stung that was funny, it was the fact that he punched himself in the face to get the thing off of him.

Now, I should know better than to say anything but I did anyway. He was trimming back some bushes when it happened and I told him that if he just walked away, calmly, they would leave him alone.
At any rate, I decided to take over trimming the bush so he wouldn't get stung again. As I chopped away at the evil wasp bunker, I accidentally summoned the mamma wasp. Oh, this was the mother of all wasps that I awakened and she was on a mission of vengeance.
Fwup, Fwup, Fwup, Fwup, her wings made this impressively eerie noise as she rose from the remnants of the possessed bush.

This was hardly a wasp, mind you, this was more like a black hawk helicopter. I stood straight up, facing the beast and stared into it's peering eyes. Oh, I was not afraid as I slowly turned and began my casual retreat.
I didn't get but five steps away when I felt the fiery penetration of what must have been a harpoon instead of a stinger.

Now, they say that white men can't jump but I damned sure did. Several times I jumped, just for good measure, tearing off my shirt and bolting away from my certain demise. Much to my partners amusement, I might add.

Having survived this attack, I moved on to pressure washing the house. There's something about the gentle hum of a pressure washer that can lull you into a trance like state. I suddenly realized that I should have worn pants as I can feel the wet hose pulsating against my bare leg.

I pulled the nozzle up, in an attempt to throw the hose behind me and off of my leg. Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize that you have just been crowned the King of all idiots? Well, I was having one of those at this exact second. I realized that the hose had been behind me the entire time as it hit me on my back. Now, if the hose is behind me, what is the pulsating wet thing that is on my leg?

I looked down to find that it was a very well fed snake and had made it's way up my shorts and was now face to face with Mr. Happy (although Mr. Happy wasn't too happy about this visitor). It's alright, this is pleasant, NOT! I quickly used the only weapon at my disposal, the pressure washer. My brilliant plan sent the waterlogged serpent spiraling upwards 5 feet. Nice, right at eye level.

Again, I make my retreat, pouncing like Tigger after snorting espresso. Upon telling my partner what had just taken place, he insisted on knowing what type of underwear I was wearing. I refused to tell him on the grounds that I could not determine how revealing this information could possibly help his investigation.

"Well", He answered, "If you're not wearing any underwear, maybe the snake thought he saw a lizard". Can you imagine if it had come to that before I realized what was happening? Of all the places to be bitten by a snake.

Oh, and for the record, "lizard"? Give me some credit, "Iguana" may be more like it.


Dating Wall of Shame said...

Happy Saturday! Thanks for the laughs!

Isn't it funny how intelligent we are when we're watching someone else do a job and how that intelligence evaporates once we take over!

It must be some universal law of the universe - known as the law of comeuppance~


Rob said...

Always enjoy your ramblings! See you on the threads. Cheers.

timethief said...

Sadly I am one of those people who is violently allergic to wasp stings. I went through 3 years of shots and I now have a 20 minute opportunity to inject epinephrine or to stop breathing.

Setting that aside, I thoroughly enjoyed picturing the scenes and laughing out loud at this nemesis story that you shared with us.

Happy blogging &hearts

earthlingorgeous said...

OMG! Again you leave me with my mouth wide open, this is so hilariously shocking!

LOL about the Iguana LMAO!

DarkAngelMe said...

Poor Snake, deprived of it's dinner.

So tempted to comment on the lizardy Iguana...

I have the will... I will not...I should matter how much my fingers twitch

Caroline Jaine said...

I always tell doctors I am allergic to wasps and bees. I have never been stung, but you never know....rather err on the side of caution I say.

Another good one, Ekim. Now about that secret.......

searchingwithin said...

You painted the perfect picture, and I am still attempting to pick myself up off of the floor where I rolled out of my chair laughing. I will have to take you at your word on the Iguana comparison.

Thanks for the good laugh.

SilverTiger said...

Fascinating creatures, wasps. I try to rescue them whenever they get caught in the tube in London or on buses. (Well, I'm a vegetarian, which explains a lot...)

They can be dangerous, though: a sting to the mouth or throat can be fatal (you swell up and choke) so it's as well to be careful. As timethief says, some people are allergic to wasp stings: a partner of mine collapsed after being stung and had to be hospitalized.

I once had a wasp crawl up my trouser leg. There wasn't a lot I could do. Trying to roll up my trouser leg simply provoked the sting I was trying to avoid. Fortunately, it "only" got me on the leg. Quite painful, though.

FANCY said...


Thank you that I find your site...I have bean laughing and giggle and my stomach hurt in a really nice way...and I'm still laughing when I write this comment...*ROFLLOL*...LIZARD!? Mohahahahaha

Drowsey Monkey said...

OUCH! LOL. You added a little too late that you were wearing 'shorts' ... you just said you weren't wearing pants. This gives an entirely different visual ya

I can't imagine what I would have done if I saw a snake on me! OMG! I'd FREAK! Maybe even die!

RainforestRobin said...

I finally made it here and LOVED this story. It is like some slapstick comedy by the three stoogers. Fiasco after fiasco. I especially loved the snake part. And the punch line!! :) It also struck me funny as I just wrote a snake story only mine was deadly poisonous. Having live in the rainforest I am fascinated by stories like this. I also really admired your staring the mother of all wasps. Backing up, slowly retreating and THEN getting stung. I laughed over the way you wrote that.

Have enjoyed your wit in the discussions...if you call what we all do...discussions!!! LOL Catch you later! Wonderful writing. :)

April said...

great blog! i enjoyed it

Wendy's OBA Blog Tips Tricks said...

You know I had coffee in my mouth when I read that!!! ROFLMAO.
Your blog almost wore it all. Still can't stop laughing.
Can't begin to wonder how big the snake was or???
Great musings. LOL


Ekim said...

Thanks for reading. The snake was actually a non poisonous, black racer about 5 foot long. They are known for their speed and this one was quickly retreating from the wet ground and seeking shelter in my shorts.

Kat said...

I favorited you a long time ago and now just realizing this is your blog...that is weird this was months ago before I joined blog catalog

Ekim said...

That's really cool Kat, thanks. Small blogosphere.

John Painz said...

no WAY that just happened... no way. Holy crap. I had a snake slither in front of my DOOR, man... up my pants? holy crap, I would have been sedated for a month.

Melissa said...

Between the wasp and the snake - I would have needed a very strong cocktail to put me at ease! Great story though :)

Lulubelle B said...

This was too funny! I laughed so hard I snorted, then started choking. A couple of the guys who sit near me stopped by to see if I was ok. I may have to stop reading you in the office. ;^D

Real Diva Designs said...

wow a 5 foot snake crawling up my leg would send me into a coma..but the whole snake bite and how to remove the venom takes on a different meaning..hahahha sorry it had to be said..great blog