I watched my partner get stung in the face by a wasp. I know this wouldn't be funny for most people but it was hilarious. It wasn't the fact that he got stung that was funny, it was the fact that he punched himself in the face to get the thing off of him.
Now, I should know better than to say anything but I did anyway. He was trimming back some bushes when it happened and I told him that if he just walked away, calmly, they would leave him alone.
At any rate, I decided to take over trimming the bush so he wouldn't get stung again. As I chopped away at the evil wasp bunker, I accidentally summoned the mamma wasp. Oh, this was the mother of all wasps that I awakened and she was on a mission of vengeance.
Fwup, Fwup, Fwup, Fwup, her wings made this impressively eerie noise as she rose from the remnants of the possessed bush.
This was hardly a wasp, mind you, this was more like a black hawk helicopter. I stood straight up, facing the beast and stared into it's peering eyes. Oh, I was not afraid as I slowly turned and began my casual retreat.
I didn't get but five steps away when I felt the fiery penetration of what must have been a harpoon instead of a stinger.
Now, they say that white men can't jump but I damned sure did. Several times I jumped, just for good measure, tearing off my shirt and bolting away from my certain demise. Much to my partners amusement, I might add.
Having survived this attack, I moved on to pressure washing the house. There's something about the gentle hum of a pressure washer that can lull you into a trance like state. I suddenly realized that I should have worn pants as I can feel the wet hose pulsating against my bare leg.
I pulled the nozzle up, in an attempt to throw the hose behind me and off of my leg. Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize that you have just been crowned the King of all idiots? Well, I was having one of those at this exact second. I realized that the hose had been behind me the entire time as it hit me on my back. Now, if the hose is behind me, what is the pulsating wet thing that is on my leg?
I looked down to find that it was a very well fed snake and had made it's way up my shorts and was now face to face with Mr. Happy (although Mr. Happy wasn't too happy about this visitor). It's alright, this is pleasant, NOT! I quickly used the only weapon at my disposal, the pressure washer. My brilliant plan sent the waterlogged serpent spiraling upwards 5 feet. Nice, right at eye level.
Again, I make my retreat, pouncing like Tigger after snorting espresso. Upon telling my partner what had just taken place, he insisted on knowing what type of underwear I was wearing. I refused to tell him on the grounds that I could not determine how revealing this information could possibly help his investigation.
"Well", He answered, "If you're not wearing any underwear, maybe the snake thought he saw a lizard". Can you imagine if it had come to that before I realized what was happening? Of all the places to be bitten by a snake.
Oh, and for the record, "lizard"? Give me some credit, "Iguana" may be more like it.