Sunday, October 12, 2008

Road trip

They say that 9 out of 10 bad drivers is distracted. Ok, I made that up but it works well for this story. My son wanted me to take him to visit his friend. Now, my sons navigational methods leave a lot to be desired. "He lives down that road by the auto parts store, in a yellow house", he explains. Great, let me mapquest "Yellow house", this should be interesting.

So, now I have no idea where I am going. I'm driving slowly down this road waiting for my son to say, "Oh, that was it, we should have turned there". There's some construction being done to this road. No wait, this road looks like a friggin asteroid hit it. Right in the middle of this road is a giant crater marked by flashing lights and signs that read, "DANGER you are about to fall off the face of the earth".

At this point, I'm glad that I have a four wheel drive pickup because I'm thinking I may need it. I got the extended cab pickup with the fold down seat in the back. My youngest daughter is sitting in that seat and she thinks that plummeting into the belly of the earth is a lot of fun. The fold up seat is perfect for single Dads, I call it the sometimes seat. Do you have kids? Sometimes. Of course there are the purists that say, "Well, you're always a father". Nope, sometimes I'm a real mother.

So, back to my story. By the grace of God and my sons ability to remember house colors rather than numbers, we actually made it to the right house. Now he told me to wait for him, it will only take a minute. For those of you who don't have teenagers, a "minute" is how long it takes to grow a beard. That same principal can be applied to chores, "When are you going to mow the lawn?" "In a minute".

So, now it's dark out and we are finally on our way home. My beard is full and so is my bladder. My daughter is now sleeping in the backseat and I am going way too fast to remember the giant crater in the road ahead. Oh yeah, we hit that thing going forty. Now, if I were younger and didn't have kids in the truck I would say that I "Caught some wicked air" but this was no fun at all.

So, we jumped this thing like a scene from a Michael Bay movie. Everything in the bed of the truck lifted out of the bed, rotated 180 degrees and landed right back where it was only inverted. Everything in the cab of the truck, including all the change, receipts and my drink lifted up and hovered for a second before landing neatly where it originally was.

Of course I'm kidding, that crap went everywhere. It looked like my center console threw up. Amazingly, my daughter slept through the entire stunt, landing and all. My son was looking at me funny because, out of habit, I put my arm out to protect him even though he is bigger than I am. I know he would have just broken through my arm if the impact of landing were strong enough but it's the thought that counts.

After pulling myself together I realize that I no longer have to pee. Oh wait, that's just the soda that went everywhere. But I did feel totally relieved when I finally made it home safely. I pulled into the driveway and turned the ignition off and somehow, that makes my daughter wake up. Amazing that she can sleep through anything as long as the engine is running.


Lucy said...

Damn you're funny. I knew you were funny from the BC discussion threads but I wasn't sure you were going to be a funny blogger. I had to check. And, you are. How, 'bout that?

Arcticulates said...

All our roads in Alaska are like that... Ask any tourist... We don't have potholes we have craters! Makes driving to work everyday on icy roads an adventure! :)

My kids were teens not to long ago.. I remember just when they were old enough to start becoming useful around the house and business, they moved out on their own. Sigh!

You just can't win this parenting thing, but it sure has it's good spots to make up for it..


Dark Angel said...

I dont think your daughter was wide awake if she did not question the mess your drink had made on your pants :-)