So all day long I've been singing that song in my head, "Day-o...Day.a.a.o. Daylight come and me wanna go home" Yep, it's warming up around here and I finally decided to hit the beach. Ah yes, the sound of the ocean, the smell of the fresh ocean air and an old dude in a bright yellow speedo.
It never fails that a normal day at the beach can easily turn into a disaster when some atrocious eye magnet walks by. And sure enough, that was the case. But this wasn't a good eye magnet, oh no. I couldn't be that lucky and see some hot girl in a bikini. This was the kind of eye magnet that wakes you up in the middle of the night having cold sweats.
Here he comes walking down the beach, no wait, strutting down the beach. And of course, he is looking at all the ladies and waving because they are looking at him. Now to say that this was an older guy I don't mean like he was 50. No, I think this is the guy that invented sliced bread.
Granted, this man was built like Jack Lalane and may have even been his father, I can't be sure. However, the choice of a bright yellow speedo which simply begs to be called a banana hammock, was an obvious fashion nightmare.
No matter how bright the packaging is, it still contains a couple of shriveled prunes. And how can you not stare at something that is the color of yellow highlighter? That is why they call it highlighter. I couldn't tear my eyes away from this thing so I am helplessly stuck there hoping that the nuggets don't sneak out while I'm looking. This was no bathing suit, it was a freakish pair of "Man-panties". I just couldn't imaging loading my giblets into a sock on a string like that.
At first I thought he lost a bet or had never heard of Bermuda shorts. But, I don't think this was his first trip to the beach in the yellow sack swing, he didn't have any tan lines.
I was so distracted by the bright yellow egg basket that it took me a while to notice his long, thinning, gray pony tail. Well, sure, maybe he was bald on top but the back and sides were nice and long. If you got it flaunt it, right. Besides, it made him look kinda like an older Willie Nelson in a speedo. Did I mention the bright yellow speedo?
So, back to my song, I'm sure you know the rest of it, "Come Mr. Tally man, Tally my bananas". That's just what popped into my head. Actually, it all started when I thought, "That dude has a day glow package". That easily made the transition to "Day-o" package.
Sure, all the women on the beach were smiling at him, wouldn't you? I'll bet he goes home and calls his great grandchildren that are in college and tells them how much the ladies love him in his bright yellow boner suit.
The good news is that I went to the beach feeling a little self conscious about being kind of pale from the long winter. But I was able to leave there feeling like it could be worse, I could be that guy. Yep, I could never load my frank and beans into an eye patch like that and hit the beach. I gotta hand it to the guy, he sure had balls.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Invalid Complaining.
It's not like me to rant about something. Well, maybe it is like me but how hard can it really be to be rich and famous? Seriously, I hear these people constantly complaining about the stresses of fame and fortune and I just want to gag them with a sumo wrestlers dirty diaper (or whatever you call that thing they wear). One thing that I agree with is that I do not, in fact, know how stressful it is to be rich and famous but I would love to find out.
I can imagine that having so much money that you can't possibly spend it all would be stressful. Almost as stressful as losing your house to foreclosure. Yep, I'm sure it's a really tough life to live.
What I can't figure out is how you can spend years sometimes struggling to become famous and when you finally get there you don't want it. The only thing worse than whining about being blessed is being blessed and not knowing it. Stop whining about being rich and famous and start whining about being a whiner, you might get more sympathy that way.
Take David Cassidy for example. He was a huge success of Iconic proportions and left it all to have a normal life. Now, he's making a comeback so I guess that normal life wasn't all it cracked up to be. But still he is complaining about how bad it was to be so famous when he was younger. Gee, that would be a lot more believable if you weren't trying to promote a new album while saying this garbage.
The few people that actually do feel sorry for them are obviously not carrying the burden of an abundance of schooling. This is a choice that people make and they have more choices than most regular folks. I was remodeling a rental apartment for a lawyer once. He shows up at the job and gets out of his 60 thousand dollar car and tells me that it must be nice to be able to go to work in a T-shirt and jeans. I said that it must really be nice to have a choice. He could get up tomorrow morning and come work for me for $500 a week, I'd teach him how to do remodeling. But, it's not like I can wake up tomorrow and decide to be a $500 per hour lawyer. He never took me up on my offer so I guess that working in a $3,000 suit doesn't suck after all.
We all have our choices to make and if you don't deal with being rich and famous too well, you should just get out of the industry. Or take some notes from people like Johnny Depp who escapes to France to live a fairly private life. You should know that if you are going clubbing on the streets of Hollywood you're gonna have pictures of your drunk ass in the tabloids, stay home and party in your mansion, hire a DJ and invite your friends. And for the love of God don't get behind the wheel when you know damned well you could afford a limo.
I can imagine that having so much money that you can't possibly spend it all would be stressful. Almost as stressful as losing your house to foreclosure. Yep, I'm sure it's a really tough life to live.
What I can't figure out is how you can spend years sometimes struggling to become famous and when you finally get there you don't want it. The only thing worse than whining about being blessed is being blessed and not knowing it. Stop whining about being rich and famous and start whining about being a whiner, you might get more sympathy that way.
Take David Cassidy for example. He was a huge success of Iconic proportions and left it all to have a normal life. Now, he's making a comeback so I guess that normal life wasn't all it cracked up to be. But still he is complaining about how bad it was to be so famous when he was younger. Gee, that would be a lot more believable if you weren't trying to promote a new album while saying this garbage.
The few people that actually do feel sorry for them are obviously not carrying the burden of an abundance of schooling. This is a choice that people make and they have more choices than most regular folks. I was remodeling a rental apartment for a lawyer once. He shows up at the job and gets out of his 60 thousand dollar car and tells me that it must be nice to be able to go to work in a T-shirt and jeans. I said that it must really be nice to have a choice. He could get up tomorrow morning and come work for me for $500 a week, I'd teach him how to do remodeling. But, it's not like I can wake up tomorrow and decide to be a $500 per hour lawyer. He never took me up on my offer so I guess that working in a $3,000 suit doesn't suck after all.
We all have our choices to make and if you don't deal with being rich and famous too well, you should just get out of the industry. Or take some notes from people like Johnny Depp who escapes to France to live a fairly private life. You should know that if you are going clubbing on the streets of Hollywood you're gonna have pictures of your drunk ass in the tabloids, stay home and party in your mansion, hire a DJ and invite your friends. And for the love of God don't get behind the wheel when you know damned well you could afford a limo.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Ummm, Do I want any?
Unfortunately, my life is based on real events. Honestly, I couldn't possibly make this stuff up, it's way too delicious. Do you ever wonder what people are thinking? I do all the time. I'm not sure what it is about me but people will feel like they can just walk right up to me and say the weirdest things. On a rare occasion something will happen that just leaves me speechless.
The other day I was walking through the mall by myself just to look around, get some exercise and, I'll admit it, I was scoping out the babes. Now, keep in mind that I am just minding my own business so the interaction I was about to endure was completely unwarranted.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw this woman approaching. She was very hard to miss, even far away she looked close up. Oh, this image was enormous to begin with and just kept getting bigger and bigger with every step she took towards me.
Normally, this would not even be a story, and it wasn't the fact that she was overweight that made her so memorable. Oh no. This woman had somehow managed to squeeze her body into the tiniest of outfits in a process that must have included a giant shoe horn and a drum of Astroglide. The whole thing looked like it was a performance test for the breaking point of Spandex. She had this "Hot pink" low cut top and a black mini-skirt, both made from possibly the strongest materials known to man. She looked like Jabba the Hut coming out of Victorias secret.
Now, for some reason, the sonar on this cruise ship is targeting me and she is on an intercept course. This costume that she is wearing leaves very little to the imagination and offers no support at all for the protrusion of excess belly flab that she is intentionally shaking with every step she takes towards me.
Here is where it gets good. I stand my ground, like a fearless warrior as Goliath approaches. She rubs against me and says, "MmmmHmmm, you can't have none of this" and continues walking.
At first I was convinced that somewhere on her persons she was concealing a large, fully loaded pizza that she must have been talking about. But no, she was actually referring to some sort of mating scenario.
I have no idea what I could possibly have done to deserve this. I wasn't even looking at her. My best guess is that I just look approachable. And for some strange reason she felt very compelled to inform me that she was way out of my league.
The only thing bigger than this womans grocery bill is her confidence level. Can you even imagine how good it must feel to walk around, that confident and self-assured? This woman believes deep down that she is sexy. To end this on a positive note, I honestly admire her for her self image. However, I don't admire her for eating Britney Spears and stealing her wardrobe.
The other day I was walking through the mall by myself just to look around, get some exercise and, I'll admit it, I was scoping out the babes. Now, keep in mind that I am just minding my own business so the interaction I was about to endure was completely unwarranted.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw this woman approaching. She was very hard to miss, even far away she looked close up. Oh, this image was enormous to begin with and just kept getting bigger and bigger with every step she took towards me.
Normally, this would not even be a story, and it wasn't the fact that she was overweight that made her so memorable. Oh no. This woman had somehow managed to squeeze her body into the tiniest of outfits in a process that must have included a giant shoe horn and a drum of Astroglide. The whole thing looked like it was a performance test for the breaking point of Spandex. She had this "Hot pink" low cut top and a black mini-skirt, both made from possibly the strongest materials known to man. She looked like Jabba the Hut coming out of Victorias secret.
Now, for some reason, the sonar on this cruise ship is targeting me and she is on an intercept course. This costume that she is wearing leaves very little to the imagination and offers no support at all for the protrusion of excess belly flab that she is intentionally shaking with every step she takes towards me.
Here is where it gets good. I stand my ground, like a fearless warrior as Goliath approaches. She rubs against me and says, "MmmmHmmm, you can't have none of this" and continues walking.
At first I was convinced that somewhere on her persons she was concealing a large, fully loaded pizza that she must have been talking about. But no, she was actually referring to some sort of mating scenario.
I have no idea what I could possibly have done to deserve this. I wasn't even looking at her. My best guess is that I just look approachable. And for some strange reason she felt very compelled to inform me that she was way out of my league.
The only thing bigger than this womans grocery bill is her confidence level. Can you even imagine how good it must feel to walk around, that confident and self-assured? This woman believes deep down that she is sexy. To end this on a positive note, I honestly admire her for her self image. However, I don't admire her for eating Britney Spears and stealing her wardrobe.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Hard to get or not worth the effort.
I better start by warning you that I have had too much caffeine and not enough sleep. So, if you plan on reading this, buckle up it may be a bumpy ride as I jump around a bit. This is gonna end up being like that time my Jack Russel terrier found my hidden stash of crack. Of course I'm joking.
I've never owned a Jack Russel terrier.
I don't like to admit this but I have watched A few Oprah shows and read a few Cosmo issues. So, I know what a woman thinks she is supposed to do to keep a man interested. Apparently, she is supposed to get his attention and then act like she isn't interested. That should appeal to his hunting desire and make him chase her.
Personally, it just makes me feel like she forgot to take her Ritalin. Besides, The last time I put on my loin cloth and headed out the door with my trusty spear in hand was years ago.
Ok so it was yesterday but I really enjoy the freedom of the loin cloth and the feel of the gentle breeze on my cheeks.
There is also a thin line between pursuing a woman and being a stalker. For example, let's say a woman goes out on one date with a guy. The next day, she goes to work and comes home to find him lying in her bed with a rose in his teeth and he is wearing her panties. Is this a romantic pursuit or stalking behavior? The number one way to avoid being slapped with stalking charges is to be handsome.
That's easy to remember, it's the same difference between flirting and sexual harassment.
"Show him that you are relationship material". This is not best accomplished by rehashing every detail of a past and failed relationship. I'm really not convinced that she is even over this guy yet. Especially when she does that little Ex-Boyfriend tourette's syndrome thing. You know what I mean, "Back when I was going out with Daaaaaaanny".
Wait! Why did she say his name like that? Sure, maybe now she hates him with a passion. But, passion is passion and we are talking about a different fine line here, the fine line between love and hate.
Besides, at some point I start to feel like this is actually the conversation that she wanted to have with him but he won't listen to a word of it so now I gotta deal with it. So, now my mind is drifting off and singing "love the one your with" only with new lyrics: "And if you can't scream at the one you love, Honey, Scream at the one you're with". Then, I make the mistake of actually giving advice and that goes horribly wrong. Now, she's talking to me like I'm one of her gay friends, "Oh where did go wrong with Daaaaanny".
To make that even better, she really drives her point across by saying, "I wish I could find a single guy that's just like you". What the? I am a single guy just like me. Do I look like chopped liver to you or what? Oh this is really winning me over.
Now let me go off on a little tangent here. I don't have anything against gay men. I know a lot of women that come to them for advice on shoes, clothes and makeup. There is nothing wrong with that. However, Some women make the mistake of asking their gay friends for advice on dating. That's like asking a Child for tips on parenting. It may seem obvious that a gay guy would know how to date men but the truth is that gay guys know how to date gay men. Straight guys are completely different.
Women ask other women for advice on dating. That's funny. My ex wife once told me that she knew more about what women want in bed than I do. I am reasonably sure that I have had sex with more women than she has. Women lie to each other and I have to believe that they would tell me the truth about what they want in bed. You know why? Because I will actually do it.
It's easy for a woman to sit around with her female friends and say, "Oh I would never do that". Then, as soon as her friends leave she is digging through the junk drawer for the duct tape, blindfold and turkey baster.
Seriously, I have seen it happen. Well, maybe not the turkey baster part but I have had girlfriends that everyone thought were prudish and conservative but it turned out that... Oh, never mind, I'm getting off track.
My point is that it's just not that difficult. All these rules about dating are ridiculous. We are all just awkward creatures placed on the same planet. We are not from Mars or Venus. We all came from the same place, two consenting adults that put their differences aside long enough to exchange the bodily fluids that make us who we are today.
On a completely different note, for some reason I was just thinking, "But don't take my advice". That is like the ultimate paradox. If you don't take my advice then you are taking my advice about not taking my advice.
Alright, back on track. Unfortunately, I think that I am just at the point where I could have the woman of my dreams knock on my door and ask me if I want to go out with her tonight and my answer would be, "Gee, I wish I could but I'd rather stay home and eat shards of glass while rubbing my balls with a cheese grater".
I've never owned a Jack Russel terrier.
I don't like to admit this but I have watched A few Oprah shows and read a few Cosmo issues. So, I know what a woman thinks she is supposed to do to keep a man interested. Apparently, she is supposed to get his attention and then act like she isn't interested. That should appeal to his hunting desire and make him chase her.
Personally, it just makes me feel like she forgot to take her Ritalin. Besides, The last time I put on my loin cloth and headed out the door with my trusty spear in hand was years ago.
Ok so it was yesterday but I really enjoy the freedom of the loin cloth and the feel of the gentle breeze on my cheeks.
There is also a thin line between pursuing a woman and being a stalker. For example, let's say a woman goes out on one date with a guy. The next day, she goes to work and comes home to find him lying in her bed with a rose in his teeth and he is wearing her panties. Is this a romantic pursuit or stalking behavior? The number one way to avoid being slapped with stalking charges is to be handsome.
That's easy to remember, it's the same difference between flirting and sexual harassment.
"Show him that you are relationship material". This is not best accomplished by rehashing every detail of a past and failed relationship. I'm really not convinced that she is even over this guy yet. Especially when she does that little Ex-Boyfriend tourette's syndrome thing. You know what I mean, "Back when I was going out with Daaaaaaanny".
Wait! Why did she say his name like that? Sure, maybe now she hates him with a passion. But, passion is passion and we are talking about a different fine line here, the fine line between love and hate.
Besides, at some point I start to feel like this is actually the conversation that she wanted to have with him but he won't listen to a word of it so now I gotta deal with it. So, now my mind is drifting off and singing "love the one your with" only with new lyrics: "And if you can't scream at the one you love, Honey, Scream at the one you're with". Then, I make the mistake of actually giving advice and that goes horribly wrong. Now, she's talking to me like I'm one of her gay friends, "Oh where did go wrong with Daaaaanny".
To make that even better, she really drives her point across by saying, "I wish I could find a single guy that's just like you". What the? I am a single guy just like me. Do I look like chopped liver to you or what? Oh this is really winning me over.
Now let me go off on a little tangent here. I don't have anything against gay men. I know a lot of women that come to them for advice on shoes, clothes and makeup. There is nothing wrong with that. However, Some women make the mistake of asking their gay friends for advice on dating. That's like asking a Child for tips on parenting. It may seem obvious that a gay guy would know how to date men but the truth is that gay guys know how to date gay men. Straight guys are completely different.
Women ask other women for advice on dating. That's funny. My ex wife once told me that she knew more about what women want in bed than I do. I am reasonably sure that I have had sex with more women than she has. Women lie to each other and I have to believe that they would tell me the truth about what they want in bed. You know why? Because I will actually do it.
It's easy for a woman to sit around with her female friends and say, "Oh I would never do that". Then, as soon as her friends leave she is digging through the junk drawer for the duct tape, blindfold and turkey baster.
Seriously, I have seen it happen. Well, maybe not the turkey baster part but I have had girlfriends that everyone thought were prudish and conservative but it turned out that... Oh, never mind, I'm getting off track.
My point is that it's just not that difficult. All these rules about dating are ridiculous. We are all just awkward creatures placed on the same planet. We are not from Mars or Venus. We all came from the same place, two consenting adults that put their differences aside long enough to exchange the bodily fluids that make us who we are today.
On a completely different note, for some reason I was just thinking, "But don't take my advice". That is like the ultimate paradox. If you don't take my advice then you are taking my advice about not taking my advice.
Alright, back on track. Unfortunately, I think that I am just at the point where I could have the woman of my dreams knock on my door and ask me if I want to go out with her tonight and my answer would be, "Gee, I wish I could but I'd rather stay home and eat shards of glass while rubbing my balls with a cheese grater".
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Are you serious
I like to listen to the radio and I am a big fan of well written lyrics. Some songs can just tug at your heart strings when you think about what the artist must have been going through to come up with such a beautiful combination of words. Some of the songs you can even relate to as they seem to be about your own experiences in life. It's nice to know that we are not alone in this world.
For me, that was the case with Taylor Swift's "Teardrops on my guitar". Well, Gender reversed of course, I felt like I could relate to this song of a love that will never be and going unnoticed.
Well, that's how I felt until I got back to my computer and searched for the song. This picture came up of the artist and I was like, "Are you serious?" This girl is amazingly beautiful, what is wrong with this guy Drew. Is he blind?
Now of course I know that looks aren't everything but I think that any man with even a remote ability to see would, at the very least, notice this angel. At this point it was becoming a little bit more difficult for me to feel bad for this poor girl. Now, my advice for Taylor is leaning more towards, "There are a lot of other fish in the sea, I'm sure you'll find one that doesn't have cataracts".
I'm not even being shallow. Remember that before I saw a picture of her, I heard the song, listened to the lyrics and it touched my heart. So, I feel like I got to know her a little before I actually saw what she looks like. My opinion here is based on thinking that she is a very sweet, articulate girl with a warm heart who just happens to be very pretty.
I don't mean to offend Taylor, Drew or any fans. I just wanted to express my opinion and maybe Taylor or other artists will get some insight into what fans think about their work.
Also, I just want Taylor to know that if Drew isn't interested and you need a shoulder to cry on I am available.
For me, that was the case with Taylor Swift's "Teardrops on my guitar". Well, Gender reversed of course, I felt like I could relate to this song of a love that will never be and going unnoticed.
Well, that's how I felt until I got back to my computer and searched for the song. This picture came up of the artist and I was like, "Are you serious?" This girl is amazingly beautiful, what is wrong with this guy Drew. Is he blind?
Now of course I know that looks aren't everything but I think that any man with even a remote ability to see would, at the very least, notice this angel. At this point it was becoming a little bit more difficult for me to feel bad for this poor girl. Now, my advice for Taylor is leaning more towards, "There are a lot of other fish in the sea, I'm sure you'll find one that doesn't have cataracts".
I'm not even being shallow. Remember that before I saw a picture of her, I heard the song, listened to the lyrics and it touched my heart. So, I feel like I got to know her a little before I actually saw what she looks like. My opinion here is based on thinking that she is a very sweet, articulate girl with a warm heart who just happens to be very pretty.I don't mean to offend Taylor, Drew or any fans. I just wanted to express my opinion and maybe Taylor or other artists will get some insight into what fans think about their work.
Also, I just want Taylor to know that if Drew isn't interested and you need a shoulder to cry on I am available.
I can't compete with that.
I stopped into my favorite convenience store the other day to grab some soda. As I was standing in line I looked through the glass door and saw this beautiful woman was on her way inside. Being the polite single man I am, I stepped out of the line to open the door for her.
Now, what I plan and what actually happens have never been similar and this was no exception to that rule. What I planned was to open the door for her and say, "You thought chivalry was dead but it was just sleeping". I figured that would make her smile and let her know that I was chivalrous and friendly.
What actually happened was: Before I even got my hand on the door, this drunken dude comes out of nowhere and opens the door for her as he yells, "GIT 'ER DONE, WOO HOO"!!! And to add to the embarrassment, he shakes his butt when he does it.
Now, this little song and dance got her attention for sure. I mean, seriously, I can't compete with that. What could I possibly do or say that would top that one. He managed to get the attention of everyone in the store and probably everyone in the parking lot as well.
When I got up to the counter, having realized what a fan base he had created, he did it one more time as an encore performance. The cashier completely lost his train of thought and had to ask me again if I needed anything else. I wanted to say, "Yes, a shotgun", but that probably wouldn't go over too well in a convenience store.
So, now that he got her attention, what do you think would happen if he asked her out? She would probably agree because he was the kind of guy that commanded attention. They would probably date for a few weeks and she would see his little dance and hear his mating call of "Git 'er done, woo hoo" a few hundred times. Then, you would hear the poor girl complaining to her friends about what an obnoxious jerk he is.
Ironically, it is because he is an obnoxious jerk that he got her attention in the first place. I think that some women look for this and actually believe that it is a sign of dominance and strength of character at first. Then, later on they expect him to transform into the man of their dreams.
For men, it is very simple, Stick with what works. If, "Git 'er done, woo hoo" is what landed the girl in the first place, keep up the good work. Why change a winning strategy?
This is just an example and these two people didn't actually start dating. I used this as a hypothetical situation. But I have been to the bars and watched what gets womens attention. It hasn't always been good.
So, if you are a single woman and don't seem to be having much success with finding a man, you may want to think about what it is that gets your attention or even distracts you from seeing what could be standing right next to you.
Now, what I plan and what actually happens have never been similar and this was no exception to that rule. What I planned was to open the door for her and say, "You thought chivalry was dead but it was just sleeping". I figured that would make her smile and let her know that I was chivalrous and friendly.
What actually happened was: Before I even got my hand on the door, this drunken dude comes out of nowhere and opens the door for her as he yells, "GIT 'ER DONE, WOO HOO"!!! And to add to the embarrassment, he shakes his butt when he does it.
Now, this little song and dance got her attention for sure. I mean, seriously, I can't compete with that. What could I possibly do or say that would top that one. He managed to get the attention of everyone in the store and probably everyone in the parking lot as well.
When I got up to the counter, having realized what a fan base he had created, he did it one more time as an encore performance. The cashier completely lost his train of thought and had to ask me again if I needed anything else. I wanted to say, "Yes, a shotgun", but that probably wouldn't go over too well in a convenience store.
So, now that he got her attention, what do you think would happen if he asked her out? She would probably agree because he was the kind of guy that commanded attention. They would probably date for a few weeks and she would see his little dance and hear his mating call of "Git 'er done, woo hoo" a few hundred times. Then, you would hear the poor girl complaining to her friends about what an obnoxious jerk he is.
Ironically, it is because he is an obnoxious jerk that he got her attention in the first place. I think that some women look for this and actually believe that it is a sign of dominance and strength of character at first. Then, later on they expect him to transform into the man of their dreams.
For men, it is very simple, Stick with what works. If, "Git 'er done, woo hoo" is what landed the girl in the first place, keep up the good work. Why change a winning strategy?
This is just an example and these two people didn't actually start dating. I used this as a hypothetical situation. But I have been to the bars and watched what gets womens attention. It hasn't always been good.
So, if you are a single woman and don't seem to be having much success with finding a man, you may want to think about what it is that gets your attention or even distracts you from seeing what could be standing right next to you.
More compelling evidence that Chelle B is the anit-christ
I was reading a post from a fellow blogger over at BlogCatalog who described herself as the Anti-christ. I couldn't help but to ask myself, "Could this be true?" Now I have noticed that I am strangely drawn to the avatar that she hides behind in the discussion forums. It is a mesmerizing picture of some sort of cartoon like woman that appeals to my inner child.
What could it possibly be about this strange image that has me so captivated? I decided to take a break from normal hobby of creating myspace comments over at How2life and delve deeper into this mystery. So, I loaded up every available image manipulating program that I have and went straight to work.
Now, granted I'm not exactly a top detective or investigative journalist and I'm not exposing any new information here. I just had to satisfy my own curiosity. Furthermore, before you continue reading I want to warn you that the images you are about to see may shock you. I'd also like to state that I am not a scientist and these are not scientific findings and are based simply on my own opinions and observations.
Alright, now that we cleared that up, let's move on. I started with the original image. After gazing at it with awe and wonder for about an hour, I loaded it into photopaint.
Now I know what you are thinking, "Seems harmless enough". Well, that's exactly what she wants to to think. There must be something here. To start with I had to make the image larger, so I magnified it.
Now we are getting somewhere. Even with big boxy pixels I just can't take my eyes of of this seemingly harmless avatar. So innocent and sweet in a sexy and seductive way. The anti-christ must be a marketing genius. I had to force myself to stop staring at the enticing pixels and trudge onward with my mission. The image as a whole was just too tempting so I decided to take just a small biopsy of it and work with that. Now, I was starting to feel more like a scientist working with just a small piece of the inti-christ. Yes, I take my biopsy sample and head to the lab for further testing.
It was at this point that things got really interesting. Something was beginning to appear that I didn't see before in the smaller picture. "Oh, that clever woman", I thought to myself. But you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me.
So, do you see it? Neither did I at first. I had to go back to the very beginning, the early days of computers and the internet. To think like the anti-christ you have to become the anti-christ. I didn't like where I was going with this. What evil path was I going down and would I be able to return? Is it worth it to thrust myself into the deep dark world of the Offended blogger just to quench my thirst for the truth.
I decided to take a break and do some research on the subject. I dusted off my old X-files DVD's to find out what Mulder and Scully would do. At last, I had found my inspiration.
My thinking was right, it did have to do with the early beginnings of the computers and internet. An image on the internet is a binary file, a series of one's and zero's working as a team to represent colored pixels on a screen. That is where I will find my answer. Looking deeper into the image maybe the one's and zero's can be retranslated somehow. Maybe it's a secret code.
The answer was even more shocking and elegantly simple. They are not zero's at all.
They are actually Sixes.
On it's most basic, primal level the image is pure evil. This clever woman is using subliminal advertising to lure in her followers and I almost fell victim to her feminine whiles. Clearly this explains how someone can start a discussion about "Baking soda" and have thousands of people responding to her. It's not about baking soda at all. It's about a picture being worth a thousand words. Turns out that this picture is saying, "Come to the dark side, we have cookies that I made with my very own baking soda recipe".
Obviously, the opinions here are strictly for my own amusement and have nothing to do with science or the anti-christ. This is all done in good fun and I enjoy my discussions with my friends at BlogCatalog. And hopefully Chelle B will find it in her heart to forgive me for using her as the subject matter of this post.
What could it possibly be about this strange image that has me so captivated? I decided to take a break from normal hobby of creating myspace comments over at How2life and delve deeper into this mystery. So, I loaded up every available image manipulating program that I have and went straight to work.
Now, granted I'm not exactly a top detective or investigative journalist and I'm not exposing any new information here. I just had to satisfy my own curiosity. Furthermore, before you continue reading I want to warn you that the images you are about to see may shock you. I'd also like to state that I am not a scientist and these are not scientific findings and are based simply on my own opinions and observations.
Alright, now that we cleared that up, let's move on. I started with the original image. After gazing at it with awe and wonder for about an hour, I loaded it into photopaint.
Now I know what you are thinking, "Seems harmless enough". Well, that's exactly what she wants to to think. There must be something here. To start with I had to make the image larger, so I magnified it.
Now we are getting somewhere. Even with big boxy pixels I just can't take my eyes of of this seemingly harmless avatar. So innocent and sweet in a sexy and seductive way. The anti-christ must be a marketing genius. I had to force myself to stop staring at the enticing pixels and trudge onward with my mission. The image as a whole was just too tempting so I decided to take just a small biopsy of it and work with that. Now, I was starting to feel more like a scientist working with just a small piece of the inti-christ. Yes, I take my biopsy sample and head to the lab for further testing.It was at this point that things got really interesting. Something was beginning to appear that I didn't see before in the smaller picture. "Oh, that clever woman", I thought to myself. But you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me.
So, do you see it? Neither did I at first. I had to go back to the very beginning, the early days of computers and the internet. To think like the anti-christ you have to become the anti-christ. I didn't like where I was going with this. What evil path was I going down and would I be able to return? Is it worth it to thrust myself into the deep dark world of the Offended blogger just to quench my thirst for the truth.I decided to take a break and do some research on the subject. I dusted off my old X-files DVD's to find out what Mulder and Scully would do. At last, I had found my inspiration.
My thinking was right, it did have to do with the early beginnings of the computers and internet. An image on the internet is a binary file, a series of one's and zero's working as a team to represent colored pixels on a screen. That is where I will find my answer. Looking deeper into the image maybe the one's and zero's can be retranslated somehow. Maybe it's a secret code.
The answer was even more shocking and elegantly simple. They are not zero's at all.
They are actually Sixes.On it's most basic, primal level the image is pure evil. This clever woman is using subliminal advertising to lure in her followers and I almost fell victim to her feminine whiles. Clearly this explains how someone can start a discussion about "Baking soda" and have thousands of people responding to her. It's not about baking soda at all. It's about a picture being worth a thousand words. Turns out that this picture is saying, "Come to the dark side, we have cookies that I made with my very own baking soda recipe".
Obviously, the opinions here are strictly for my own amusement and have nothing to do with science or the anti-christ. This is all done in good fun and I enjoy my discussions with my friends at BlogCatalog. And hopefully Chelle B will find it in her heart to forgive me for using her as the subject matter of this post.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Bloggers getting sued and fired.
I was watching the news and a fellow blogger from my state is getting sued for $25M over comments that he made about a developer in his real estate blog. I'm not going to go into specifics or name names for fear of generating my own lawsuit but I don't really think that this is fair. So I want to cover a few areas that I think this lawsuit will end up setting a precedence for:
"In print, it's Libel" Yes, there are laws against making statements that can harm someones income potential if the statements are not actually facts. You need to clearly state that your statement is opinion based or editorial. Now, not all bloggers have taken any sort of journalism class and there are some bloggers that think they are writers despite having no formal training. Every blogger should study up on the Libel laws.
"A blog by any other name" Warning, the following statement is purely opinion and should not be taken as fact, expressed or implied, in any context. I think that by definition, a blog is a personal journal and should be assumed by the reader to be opinion based. Unless otherwise stated within the blog that a statement is a verifiable fact. For example when pepsi got sued by some tv viewer that actually tried to buy a fighter jet with pepsi points because he saw it in the commercial. Yes, it seems like false advertising but the courts ruled that it was obviously a joke and the tv viewer should have known better.
"Freedom of speech", the ability to speak freely without censorship. Granted, we still have to stick to the Libel laws as mentioned above but should blogging be considered news or just opinion? Again, this is a very gray area.
"Can you make money blogging" Well, it seems like we are about to find out if you can make more money blogging or more money suing bloggers. It seems like everyone these days wants to make a quick buck. Unfortunately, many people think that the best way to do that is to file a lawsuit against someone. I'm afraid this may be the beginning of what will be a whole slew of people vs bloggers lawsuits.
"In print, it's Libel" Yes, there are laws against making statements that can harm someones income potential if the statements are not actually facts. You need to clearly state that your statement is opinion based or editorial. Now, not all bloggers have taken any sort of journalism class and there are some bloggers that think they are writers despite having no formal training. Every blogger should study up on the Libel laws.
"A blog by any other name" Warning, the following statement is purely opinion and should not be taken as fact, expressed or implied, in any context. I think that by definition, a blog is a personal journal and should be assumed by the reader to be opinion based. Unless otherwise stated within the blog that a statement is a verifiable fact. For example when pepsi got sued by some tv viewer that actually tried to buy a fighter jet with pepsi points because he saw it in the commercial. Yes, it seems like false advertising but the courts ruled that it was obviously a joke and the tv viewer should have known better.
"Freedom of speech", the ability to speak freely without censorship. Granted, we still have to stick to the Libel laws as mentioned above but should blogging be considered news or just opinion? Again, this is a very gray area.
"Can you make money blogging" Well, it seems like we are about to find out if you can make more money blogging or more money suing bloggers. It seems like everyone these days wants to make a quick buck. Unfortunately, many people think that the best way to do that is to file a lawsuit against someone. I'm afraid this may be the beginning of what will be a whole slew of people vs bloggers lawsuits.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Unfair Pricing tactics used by gas companies
It seems that the gas companies use a very interesting strategy in determining the price per gallon of gas. We have all heard some of the reasons (or excuses) for the rising cost of gas, the war in Irag, the fire at a refinery, etc... My favorite reason was the one about the cost of transporting gas has increased (So, gas prices went up because of the rising cost of gas).
But what you may not know is that the gasoline companies have some partners in this situation. Companies that you may think are on your side, looking out for the little guy, are actually helping the gas companies to get an unfair advantage.
In a press release from AAA, results from a survey of their members revealed that 32.1 million people were planning a trip by car this summer. AAA considers this a 1.8% increase over last year and reports that the gas prices are not making travelers alter their vacation plans.
A separate survey by Travel Industry America went so far as to say that gas prices would have to reach $3.50 a gallon before people cut back on their driving. This is the exact same thing as the gas companies doing a survey asking people how much they are willing to pay for gas. The only difference is that people are actually answering the travel companies.
Yet another independent survey from a company that is most likely owned by a gas company stated that consumers planned to cut back on their shopping so they could afford gas.
So, now the gas companies have all the information that they need to know that the prices are not yet high enough, what the maximum price would be and they know that they can even raise prices beyond that and customers will still buy gas they just won't eat.
Not surprisingly, gas prices went up the day after the press release, so what is the reason for that increase? I think the real reason for the increase is imply that they want to make more money. My idea is to call the gas companies using SpoofCard
to make it look like I am calling from the Associated Press. Then conduct an interview using LiarCard
and ask why the gas prices are rising.
But what you may not know is that the gasoline companies have some partners in this situation. Companies that you may think are on your side, looking out for the little guy, are actually helping the gas companies to get an unfair advantage.
In a press release from AAA, results from a survey of their members revealed that 32.1 million people were planning a trip by car this summer. AAA considers this a 1.8% increase over last year and reports that the gas prices are not making travelers alter their vacation plans.
A separate survey by Travel Industry America went so far as to say that gas prices would have to reach $3.50 a gallon before people cut back on their driving. This is the exact same thing as the gas companies doing a survey asking people how much they are willing to pay for gas. The only difference is that people are actually answering the travel companies.
Yet another independent survey from a company that is most likely owned by a gas company stated that consumers planned to cut back on their shopping so they could afford gas.
So, now the gas companies have all the information that they need to know that the prices are not yet high enough, what the maximum price would be and they know that they can even raise prices beyond that and customers will still buy gas they just won't eat.
Not surprisingly, gas prices went up the day after the press release, so what is the reason for that increase? I think the real reason for the increase is imply that they want to make more money. My idea is to call the gas companies using SpoofCard
Monday, March 17, 2008
Dating married men.
Of course I am not being sexist, I am being sarcastic. I really don't think it is fair to us single guys that married men get to have two women.
Then, I watched Oprah and the women they had on that show were talking about dating married men. Yep, they actually new these men were married and kept dating them. One of them even went so far as to say that she thought if the sex was good enough he would leave his wife for her. Are you kidding me? Now sex is like an Olympic event, if you are a married man, you have women competing for the Gold.
I immediately called my best friend (Who is a woman) and said, "We gotta get married so I can find a woman that will have sex with me competitively". It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out this is the winning combination. I'm thinking that the reason I am having such bad luck dating is because there is no wedding band on my finger.
Now, let me straighten this mess out for you. If you are dating a married man, you are on the back burner. He won't leave his wife for you and if he does that just moves you to the front burner and he will find another back burner woman just like he found you. And if you think that you are going to change him, consider this, Why would he change if it is working for him? I'm sure he told you some story about how he can't leave his wife right now for financial reasons or because of the kids and you believed it. That's a load of bull. You need to just let him go. You don't have to believe me, you can get a LiarCard
We need to get real here and think about stuff a little more intelligently. And, I need to stop watching Oprah. Most of her shows are great but some of them make me want to hurl myself off of the nearest cliff. Luckily, there's not a whole lot of cliffs in Florida.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Are the Doctors picking on me?
A few years ago, despite my very good life, I felt tired and depressed. I had no reason to feel depressed at all so I figured it must be a health problem. I went to the doctor and underwent a series of tests, mostly written.
After reviewing the tests, the doctor tells me that I suffer from Severe Acute Depression. I tell him that I am uncomfortable in social settings and he says that I may also have Social Anxiety Disorder.
Now, I felt fine all summer, it was only in the winter that I began feeling rundown and depressed. Upon hearing this the doctor delivers another possible diagnosis of Seasonal Affection Disorder.
So, lets review here what this doctor is telling me, Severe Acute Depression (SAD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Seasonal Affection Disorder (SAD), are you kidding me? Do the doctors do this on purpose? Why is it that anything that has to do with depression is S.A.D.?
So, I asked a friend why the test I took seemed to ask the same question over and over just worded differently. He said that it was a form of Psychological Inversion Scoring Test. So, basically, the doctor gave me a PIS Test so he could tell me I was SAD.
After reviewing the tests, the doctor tells me that I suffer from Severe Acute Depression. I tell him that I am uncomfortable in social settings and he says that I may also have Social Anxiety Disorder.
Now, I felt fine all summer, it was only in the winter that I began feeling rundown and depressed. Upon hearing this the doctor delivers another possible diagnosis of Seasonal Affection Disorder.
So, lets review here what this doctor is telling me, Severe Acute Depression (SAD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Seasonal Affection Disorder (SAD), are you kidding me? Do the doctors do this on purpose? Why is it that anything that has to do with depression is S.A.D.?
So, I asked a friend why the test I took seemed to ask the same question over and over just worded differently. He said that it was a form of Psychological Inversion Scoring Test. So, basically, the doctor gave me a PIS Test so he could tell me I was SAD.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Great Ideas for Phone use.
Here's a few things that you probably didn't know that you could do with your phone. Using Spoof card, you can place a call from any phone and change the number and name that shows up on caller ID. You can also change your voice to male or female and even record the call. With April fools day approaching, this would be a great way to play a prank on your friends but it also has some more practical uses. If you just met someone and they gave you their number and you want to call them but aren't sure if you want them to have your number yet use spoof card to test the waters. If the conversation doesn't go well, don't worry, they won't be able to call you back. If it does go well, you can give them your number at the end of the call or call them again without the service. You can also make business calls from your personal home or cell phone and have the caller ID show up as your business phone number. So, you can take a day off, stay at home and still get your business calls made without going into the office. You can try this service once for free at SpoofCard
Liar card allows you to make a phone call from any phone and have a normal conversation with someone and then go online to a secure website to view the results of the voice polygraph test. Find out if someone is lying to you without them knowing, just by talking to them on the phone. This is great for getting a better business deal or catching a friend that isn't being honest. Imagine going to buy a new car, and telling the salesman that you will call them and let them know what you decide. Then, call them and ask them if that was the lowest price they could give you. If the results come back that they are lying, you can try to negotiate a better deal before you sign the papers. Use this same technique for all of your business deals to gain a competitive edge. All you need to do is set up an account and you are ready to go. Are you being lied to? Find out with LiarCard.
Want to know if someone is attracted to you? Simply make a phone call using Love detect from any phone and have a normal conversation with them. Then stay on the phone or go online to see the results. You will get a rating from 0 to 10 as well as levels of anticipation, embarrassment and concentration that the service detected in the persons voice. This works best on new relationships where there is still a sense of nervousness and anticipation. Use this to decide if you should continue dating someone or move on. It might be a good way to tell if this person likes you and is playing hard to get or just isn't interested. Try it at LoveDetect
Liar card allows you to make a phone call from any phone and have a normal conversation with someone and then go online to a secure website to view the results of the voice polygraph test. Find out if someone is lying to you without them knowing, just by talking to them on the phone. This is great for getting a better business deal or catching a friend that isn't being honest. Imagine going to buy a new car, and telling the salesman that you will call them and let them know what you decide. Then, call them and ask them if that was the lowest price they could give you. If the results come back that they are lying, you can try to negotiate a better deal before you sign the papers. Use this same technique for all of your business deals to gain a competitive edge. All you need to do is set up an account and you are ready to go. Are you being lied to? Find out with LiarCard.
Want to know if someone is attracted to you? Simply make a phone call using Love detect from any phone and have a normal conversation with them. Then stay on the phone or go online to see the results. You will get a rating from 0 to 10 as well as levels of anticipation, embarrassment and concentration that the service detected in the persons voice. This works best on new relationships where there is still a sense of nervousness and anticipation. Use this to decide if you should continue dating someone or move on. It might be a good way to tell if this person likes you and is playing hard to get or just isn't interested. Try it at LoveDetect
Improve your MySpace profile
Now, open another tab in your browser and go to your "edit profile" page. This is the best setup to make changes to your profile and see the results. I like to open a text editor like "Notepad" to copy and paste codes to so that I have a backup in case I don't like the changes I made.
With this setup you will be able to copy and paste the existing contents of your profile, make changes to your "Edit profile" page, save the changes, tab to your view profile page and click on refresh to see the results. Now, we can get started on making a few tweaks to your MySpace profile.
First of all, avoid using duplicate style tags. You should only have one set of style tags in your "about me" section. Typically you will end up with duplicate style tags when you copy and paste multiple codes into your profile. All of the codes you've collected should go in the same set of style tags. Deleting multiple style tags will shave a few seconds off of your load time.
If you have videos or sound files on your profile, make sure that they don't play automatically when your page loads. This gets confusing to your viewers and sounds terrible. It also makes your page load slow. Check the code for these embedded files and change the auto play element from true to false.
If you have any falling object codes make sure that they don't interfere with the function of the page. Although falling object codes look nice, they can cover up the links on the page making them useless. I have seen profiles where the falling object codes made it impossible to send messages or leave comments so if you haven't heard from your friends since you got the falling object code, that may be why. If you really have to have your falling object code, you will want to spread it out so that it doesn't cover your contact box or nav bar. I'll cover that in another article.
Keep the width of your profile to the screen size. Most of your viewers will have a mouse with a scroll wheel on it making it easy to scroll up and down. But if your page is twice as wide as the screen, they will probably not see half of what you have on your profile. If you have images on your page that are too wide, you will want to place a width element in there to confine them to fit the screen.
Keep your graphics and videos to a minimum. I know you want everyone to see all of your favorite videos and pictures but if it take too long to load your page, people will leave. If you uploaded your own pictures and they load slow, try uploading a new one that is a smaller size or lower resolution. This includes the background image on your page. If you found it online check to see if you can find one with a smaller file size or save a copy of it, reduce it and upload it to your MySpace or Photobucket account.
Don't hide your comments. There are just as many codes to view hidden comments as there are to hide them so it doesn't work anyway. Besides, comments are for all to see, messages are for your eyes only. Some of the hide comment codes also hide the "add comment" link. You are more likely to get comments if people can see the comment link and read the comments that they sent you.
Use your own pictures as comments.
I'm sure that you are very proud of those pictures you have in your photo album on MySpace and would love to show them off. Or maybe you just can't seem to find the perfect picture comment on any of the several MySpace layout websites. Fortunately, it is very simple to show off your own photos as a comment to all of your friends. I'm going to give you the HTML you need and explain the process involved. Then, I am going to go into more depth on what the HTML is doing and why. This way you will be able to modify the code if you feel you need to.
The first thing you need to do is copy the HTML to place the image as a comment
<img src="" width="260px">
Paste this into notepad so that we can insert the picture into it. You could also go ahead and paste it as the comment then open a new tab in your browser to get the address of the picture. Either way, the next thing you will need is the URL or location of the image you want to use. Go into your albums and find the picture that you want to use. Right click on the image and select "Properties" from the pop up menu. When the Properties box appears, you will see a line that says "Location" and next to it is a line that begins with "http://" Highlight the location, make sure that you get the entire address. It should begin with "http" and end with ".jpg". Now, go back to the line of html. Click your mouse between the quote marks following src=. Then, right click and select paste. The address will now be pasted between the quote marks for src and you are ready to post your comment. Click on the post comment button and see if the image appears the way you want it. If it doesn't, you can always click on the back button and make changes or start over.
The HTML is fairly simple. Within the brackets is the tag for placing an image "img" and the source of the image "src". I also added a width of 260 pixels to make sure that the image fits in the comment area and fills it properly. The web browser will take care of setting the height property so the image is not distorted. If you want to add your own caption for the picture or add some text, you can do that before the html if you want your text above the picture or after the html if you want your text to appear below the picture.
You can also make your own picture comments and upload them to image hosting services like photobucket or flickr. Once you set up an account and upload your image they provide you with the html you need to leave the images as a comment. Just make sure that the images you upload are no wider that 160 pixels or your comment may get deleted by your friend when it interferes with their layout.
The first thing you need to do is copy the HTML to place the image as a comment
<img src="" width="260px">
Paste this into notepad so that we can insert the picture into it. You could also go ahead and paste it as the comment then open a new tab in your browser to get the address of the picture. Either way, the next thing you will need is the URL or location of the image you want to use. Go into your albums and find the picture that you want to use. Right click on the image and select "Properties" from the pop up menu. When the Properties box appears, you will see a line that says "Location" and next to it is a line that begins with "http://" Highlight the location, make sure that you get the entire address. It should begin with "http" and end with ".jpg". Now, go back to the line of html. Click your mouse between the quote marks following src=. Then, right click and select paste. The address will now be pasted between the quote marks for src and you are ready to post your comment. Click on the post comment button and see if the image appears the way you want it. If it doesn't, you can always click on the back button and make changes or start over.
The HTML is fairly simple. Within the brackets is the tag for placing an image "img" and the source of the image "src". I also added a width of 260 pixels to make sure that the image fits in the comment area and fills it properly. The web browser will take care of setting the height property so the image is not distorted. If you want to add your own caption for the picture or add some text, you can do that before the html if you want your text above the picture or after the html if you want your text to appear below the picture.
You can also make your own picture comments and upload them to image hosting services like photobucket or flickr. Once you set up an account and upload your image they provide you with the html you need to leave the images as a comment. Just make sure that the images you upload are no wider that 160 pixels or your comment may get deleted by your friend when it interferes with their layout.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Possible Upside to Down economy
With the economy struggling people are trying to find ways to make their money go farther. Over that past two decades we have become a complacent in the land of plenty. Our lifestyle has become that of a "Throw away" society and not a conservative one. We have gotten used to buying new clothes, new cars, new homes and throwing out anything that is "out of season".
Today, there are more people that live alone, having an entire apartment or house all to themselves. Now, however, it may be more affordable to have a roommate to help pay the rent or mortgage. It may be more cost effective to keep your car for more than 3 years. We may be looking at a lifestyle change where people become more social and make better decisions when it comes to purchases.
Corporations have gotten wasteful. In rough times the typical response is to cut back on labor costs. But with the wastefulness being brought to light, we may see corporations opt to become more streamlined while retaining their workforce. It is estimated that the grocery stores throw away 30 billion dollars in food every year because it doesn't sell in time. They just throw it away. We may see a change in policy, possibly cutting back on the amount of inventory packed on the shelves. It would make more sense for the stores to be out of an item for a day or two rather than buying too much and throwing away what doesn't sell.
This may be the beginning of some much needed changes.
Today, there are more people that live alone, having an entire apartment or house all to themselves. Now, however, it may be more affordable to have a roommate to help pay the rent or mortgage. It may be more cost effective to keep your car for more than 3 years. We may be looking at a lifestyle change where people become more social and make better decisions when it comes to purchases.
Corporations have gotten wasteful. In rough times the typical response is to cut back on labor costs. But with the wastefulness being brought to light, we may see corporations opt to become more streamlined while retaining their workforce. It is estimated that the grocery stores throw away 30 billion dollars in food every year because it doesn't sell in time. They just throw it away. We may see a change in policy, possibly cutting back on the amount of inventory packed on the shelves. It would make more sense for the stores to be out of an item for a day or two rather than buying too much and throwing away what doesn't sell.
This may be the beginning of some much needed changes.
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