It's not broken

Well, there seems to be some controversy stirring at the Ekim household. On one side of the debate is my neighbor and my kids and on the RIGHT side of the debate is me. The problem is that everyone who is wrong seems to think that I need a new dryer. Let me start from the beginning and you can decide for yourself just how right I am.

Genesis: The dryer was given to me by my mother. It was well used and broken but I fixed it. After a few years it began to make a funny noise but only at the end of the cycle. I saw this as a good thing, it was letting me know when my clothes were dry and the smell of burning plastic was hardly noticeable. We'll just say that it was a feature for the hearing impaired.

Not too long ago, the belt broke, the heating element burned out and a wheel in the back of the dryer turned into a molten fiery goo. That was no big deal, simple parts that were easily replaced. Let's call that some routine maintenance.

Shortly after that, the dryer would shut off all by itself in the middle of the cycle. A few times this resulted in moldy clothes but mold sort of smells like Polo cologne after it has set out for a few days. So, just think of all the money I am saving on cologne.

Currently, the dryer appears to be broken at first glance. When you push the button all it does is make a buzzing noise and a little puff of white smoke comes out (Again, for the hearing impaired). All you need to do it reach inside the dryer and hand turn the drum just enough to get it started. Of course, you can't do that with the door open because when the door opens, the dryer stops. But, I have cleverly taped the door switch down so it will still run with the door open, giving me the chance to jump start the dryer.
Now, I think that this is endearing. It reminds me of the old cars with the huge spoke tires that you had to start with a hand crank on the front bumper. Or, maybe one of those old fashioned planes that you would have to spin the prop to get it started. I'm not doing laundry, I'm like a pilot. How cool is that.

So, this is why all these people (who are wrong) think I need a new dryer. The bottom line is that the dryer dries clothes. Sure, you have to start it by precariously reaching your hand into a hot spinning drum and you have to ignore the loud noise and faint smell of burning electronics but it dries clothes. I don't know how I could possibly be more right, do you?
Is your dryer broken? No, it dries clothes. See, it's as simple as that.

Now the WRONG PEOPLE have their own group on Facebook.

Grant Money

Sterility is hereditary.
If your parents couldn't have children
Chances are, you can't either.

I wonder if I can get some government grant money to prove my theory?

Strange Math

While waiting in line at the grocery store I was looking at the magazine covers. I know I shouldn't do that, I REALLY shouldn't. Some of the stuff that these people write, I just can't believe that anyone would read this garbage. Then again, people read my blog so...

One of the headings made me burst out laughing. Nothing strange about that right? I'm just standing there, quietly waiting and suddenly start laughing like a psych patient responding to internal stimuli. The woman behind me grabbed her children and headed to a different line.

Seriously, the heading that I read was on Self magazine. I'll give them a link and hope that they laugh instead of litigate. The heading read, "Look 100% sexier in 7 minutes". How the hell do you measure that? Seriously, what kind of math is involved to figure this out? I didn't go to college so maybe I missed the course on quantifying sexiness.

Now, I'm sure that I will get some criticism for this. There are women who take this subject very seriously. They have charts and graphs and Venn Diagrams with complex formulas for determining the exponent of their sexiness over a period of time.

For me, I am worried about being too sexy. I don't think I need the full 100% increase in sexiness. I've decided to take a more subtle approach and spend 1.75 minutes to look 25% sexier. Yeah, I think that's all I need. Besides, I'm all about taking Baby steps.

Renegade

Rumor has it that the Secret Service as chosen a code name for our new President elect, "Renegade".

Is he going to ride to The White House on a sweet motorcycle like Lorenzo Lamas?

Imagine

Often times we get caught up in the stability and security of our own lives and it's hard for us to imagine that life is not the same way for all people.

Imagine if you suddenly had to leave your country because violence broke out.

Imagine having to evacuate and having no place to call home.

Where would you sleep?

What would you eat?

What if you became sick?

What about your children?

It's hard to Imagine but life is just like this for millions of refugees around the world.

Imagine if there was something you could do to help.

There is.
With your help there is hope.
Take a few minutes right now to visit these websites:
www.refugees.org and www.womenscommission.org

Blind Luck

Have you ever wondered how people manage to get through life in one piece?

I saw the most amazing thing yesterday. I was driving in the right hand lane, about to make a right turn when this guy comes flying from the left lane to cut me off. There's three lanes here and I am far from being the only car on the road.

I probably would have hit him had it not been for the screeching tires of the other drivers he narrowly avoided. I heard cuss words that would make a sailor blush. Some of them even came from outside of my truck.

Then, as he makes the right turn, he doesn't yield but instead goes to the far left lane. Again, he cuts off three lanes of traffic. Horns are honking, tires are screeching, fingers are flying and new profanities are being invented.

At this point, I lose sight of this genius because I actually have to wait for an opening in the traffic to make my turn. Sometimes, stupidity does the work of bravery and, at this moment, I am neither brave nor stupid.

I finally make my turn and immediately merge into the left lane to make a left turn. No surprise but guess who I see zip from the far right lane to cut me off in the left turn lane? Yep, the same genius.

At this point, I notice something astonishing. The car he is driving isn't new. It's NOT NEW! This car doesn't have a sngle scratch or dent on it and it's four years old. With the way this guy drives, this car should look like it just came from a demolition derby.

I have to follow this guy and ask him for the lottery numbers. There's no way this is driving skill, it has to be blind luck.

Road trip

They say that 9 out of 10 bad drivers is distracted. Ok, I made that up but it works well for this story. My son wanted me to take him to visit his friend. Now, my sons navigational methods leave a lot to be desired. "He lives down that road by the auto parts store, in a yellow house", he explains. Great, let me mapquest "Yellow house", this should be interesting.

So, now I have no idea where I am going. I'm driving slowly down this road waiting for my son to say, "Oh, that was it, we should have turned there". There's some construction being done to this road. No wait, this road looks like a friggin asteroid hit it. Right in the middle of this road is a giant crater marked by flashing lights and signs that read, "DANGER you are about to fall off the face of the earth".

At this point, I'm glad that I have a four wheel drive pickup because I'm thinking I may need it. I got the extended cab pickup with the fold down seat in the back. My youngest daughter is sitting in that seat and she thinks that plummeting into the belly of the earth is a lot of fun. The fold up seat is perfect for single Dads, I call it the sometimes seat. Do you have kids? Sometimes. Of course there are the purists that say, "Well, you're always a father". Nope, sometimes I'm a real mother.

So, back to my story. By the grace of God and my sons ability to remember house colors rather than numbers, we actually made it to the right house. Now he told me to wait for him, it will only take a minute. For those of you who don't have teenagers, a "minute" is how long it takes to grow a beard. That same principal can be applied to chores, "When are you going to mow the lawn?" "In a minute".

So, now it's dark out and we are finally on our way home. My beard is full and so is my bladder. My daughter is now sleeping in the backseat and I am going way too fast to remember the giant crater in the road ahead. Oh yeah, we hit that thing going forty. Now, if I were younger and didn't have kids in the truck I would say that I "Caught some wicked air" but this was no fun at all.

So, we jumped this thing like a scene from a Michael Bay movie. Everything in the bed of the truck lifted out of the bed, rotated 180 degrees and landed right back where it was only inverted. Everything in the cab of the truck, including all the change, receipts and my drink lifted up and hovered for a second before landing neatly where it originally was.

Of course I'm kidding, that crap went everywhere. It looked like my center console threw up. Amazingly, my daughter slept through the entire stunt, landing and all. My son was looking at me funny because, out of habit, I put my arm out to protect him even though he is bigger than I am. I know he would have just broken through my arm if the impact of landing were strong enough but it's the thought that counts.

After pulling myself together I realize that I no longer have to pee. Oh wait, that's just the soda that went everywhere. But I did feel totally relieved when I finally made it home safely. I pulled into the driveway and turned the ignition off and somehow, that makes my daughter wake up. Amazing that she can sleep through anything as long as the engine is running.