Sex and cinnamon life

It may come as a surprise that I am not always a funny guy who laughs at the world. I have my bad days too and sometimes the world laughs back. In fact, on occasion I decide to have a few bad days in a row, just to get them all out. What surprises me is the way that some people react to me on those bad dayweeks.

One of my very close friends said something so shocking that I was seriously beginning to wonder if someone had slipped me a micky (I' have always wanted to say that, it's so "old School" that I feel like I am in a black and white film right now) and I simply misunderstood what she had said. Sorry about going off on such a long parenthetical tangent. I'm really not sorry, it just seemed like something I should be sorry for.

Anyway, I'm sure you are wondering what she could have said that was so shocking. I'll get to that in a minute but first, I feel another tangent coming on. I have also wanted to try to work the term "penal system" into a blog post but I can't find the right context for it here so I'll have to try again later.

Oh, back to my story. I have to first explain that this is a woman who is an extremely moral catholic woman and the last person you would expect to say something so shocking. Now, let me tell you that she was trying to help. I was feeling down and she seemed to have a solution for me to get back to feeling myself. Feeling myself, I am going to resist the urge to go off on another tangent.

"Dude, you need to get laid", she says. Did I hear that right? At first I thought that she must be implying that I take a vacation in Hawaii. Then, I thought that maybe "laid" was some Catholic religious ceremony like a baptism. The only "laid" that I can possibly think of in this context is...well..."laid".
Now it would be entirely inappropriate for me to link to her Catholic inside blog. So don't expect me to do that HERE.

Now, the only appropriate guy thing to do is to point out that we are both single. I quickly found out that she was making a suggestion, not an offer. But more advice ensued as she pointed out that my ex wife is also single and we are still good friends. Of course, my ex wife didn't want to, "Go down that road again". Would it really take that much effort for her to lay there and repeatedly ask, "Are you done yet?" like she did so many times throughout our marriage?

So, anyway. This should be every guys fantasy, having two women fighting over who is going to have sex with him. Of course, in my case, it plays out like the old Cinnamon life cereal commercial. "I'm not gonna try it, you try it" pushing the bowl away "I'm not gonna try it". Ladies, please, there's milk spilling over here.

It's not broken

Well, there seems to be some controversy stirring at the Ekim household. On one side of the debate is my neighbor and my kids and on the RIGHT side of the debate is me. The problem is that everyone who is wrong seems to think that I need a new dryer. Let me start from the beginning and you can decide for yourself just how right I am.

Genesis: The dryer was given to me by my mother. It was well used and broken but I fixed it. After a few years it began to make a funny noise but only at the end of the cycle. I saw this as a good thing, it was letting me know when my clothes were dry and the smell of burning plastic was hardly noticeable. We'll just say that it was a feature for the hearing impaired.

Not too long ago, the belt broke, the heating element burned out and a wheel in the back of the dryer turned into a molten fiery goo. That was no big deal, simple parts that were easily replaced. Let's call that some routine maintenance.

Shortly after that, the dryer would shut off all by itself in the middle of the cycle. A few times this resulted in moldy clothes but mold sort of smells like Polo cologne after it has set out for a few days. So, just think of all the money I am saving on cologne.

Currently, the dryer appears to be broken at first glance. When you push the button all it does is make a buzzing noise and a little puff of white smoke comes out (Again, for the hearing impaired). All you need to do it reach inside the dryer and hand turn the drum just enough to get it started. Of course, you can't do that with the door open because when the door opens, the dryer stops. But, I have cleverly taped the door switch down so it will still run with the door open, giving me the chance to jump start the dryer.
Now, I think that this is endearing. It reminds me of the old cars with the huge spoke tires that you had to start with a hand crank on the front bumper. Or, maybe one of those old fashioned planes that you would have to spin the prop to get it started. I'm not doing laundry, I'm like a pilot. How cool is that.

So, this is why all these people (who are wrong) think I need a new dryer. The bottom line is that the dryer dries clothes. Sure, you have to start it by precariously reaching your hand into a hot spinning drum and you have to ignore the loud noise and faint smell of burning electronics but it dries clothes. I don't know how I could possibly be more right, do you?
Is your dryer broken? No, it dries clothes. See, it's as simple as that.

Now the WRONG PEOPLE have their own group on Facebook.

Grant Money

Sterility is hereditary.
If your parents couldn't have children
Chances are, you can't either.

I wonder if I can get some government grant money to prove my theory?

Strange Math

While waiting in line at the grocery store I was looking at the magazine covers. I know I shouldn't do that, I REALLY shouldn't. Some of the stuff that these people write, I just can't believe that anyone would read this garbage. Then again, people read my blog so...

One of the headings made me burst out laughing. Nothing strange about that right? I'm just standing there, quietly waiting and suddenly start laughing like a psych patient responding to internal stimuli. The woman behind me grabbed her children and headed to a different line.

Seriously, the heading that I read was on Self magazine. I'll give them a link and hope that they laugh instead of litigate. The heading read, "Look 100% sexier in 7 minutes". How the hell do you measure that? Seriously, what kind of math is involved to figure this out? I didn't go to college so maybe I missed the course on quantifying sexiness.

Now, I'm sure that I will get some criticism for this. There are women who take this subject very seriously. They have charts and graphs and Venn Diagrams with complex formulas for determining the exponent of their sexiness over a period of time.

For me, I am worried about being too sexy. I don't think I need the full 100% increase in sexiness. I've decided to take a more subtle approach and spend 1.75 minutes to look 25% sexier. Yeah, I think that's all I need. Besides, I'm all about taking Baby steps.

Renegade

Rumor has it that the Secret Service as chosen a code name for our new President elect, "Renegade".

Is he going to ride to The White House on a sweet motorcycle like Lorenzo Lamas?

Imagine

Often times we get caught up in the stability and security of our own lives and it's hard for us to imagine that life is not the same way for all people.

Imagine if you suddenly had to leave your country because violence broke out.

Imagine having to evacuate and having no place to call home.

Where would you sleep?

What would you eat?

What if you became sick?

What about your children?

It's hard to Imagine but life is just like this for millions of refugees around the world.

Imagine if there was something you could do to help.

There is.
With your help there is hope.
Take a few minutes right now to visit these websites:
www.refugees.org and www.womenscommission.org

Blind Luck

Have you ever wondered how people manage to get through life in one piece?

I saw the most amazing thing yesterday. I was driving in the right hand lane, about to make a right turn when this guy comes flying from the left lane to cut me off. There's three lanes here and I am far from being the only car on the road.

I probably would have hit him had it not been for the screeching tires of the other drivers he narrowly avoided. I heard cuss words that would make a sailor blush. Some of them even came from outside of my truck.

Then, as he makes the right turn, he doesn't yield but instead goes to the far left lane. Again, he cuts off three lanes of traffic. Horns are honking, tires are screeching, fingers are flying and new profanities are being invented.

At this point, I lose sight of this genius because I actually have to wait for an opening in the traffic to make my turn. Sometimes, stupidity does the work of bravery and, at this moment, I am neither brave nor stupid.

I finally make my turn and immediately merge into the left lane to make a left turn. No surprise but guess who I see zip from the far right lane to cut me off in the left turn lane? Yep, the same genius.

At this point, I notice something astonishing. The car he is driving isn't new. It's NOT NEW! This car doesn't have a sngle scratch or dent on it and it's four years old. With the way this guy drives, this car should look like it just came from a demolition derby.

I have to follow this guy and ask him for the lottery numbers. There's no way this is driving skill, it has to be blind luck.