There comes a time in every persons life when their parents feel the need to give them "the talk". It's usually a mortifying experience that stands out in every childs mind. In fact, I remember the day that my Dad gave me "the talk" like it was yesterday even though it was actually two weeks ago.
This is one of those times when I really wish I was joking. I'm 38 years old and have three kids. I was married for nine years. I've had sex with hundreds of women and a handful of them were even real. I think it's a little late for "the talk".
Besides, my Mom already gave me"the talk". Actually, she gave it to my older brother but I did over hear the conversation. I think that I was six at the time. I remember hearing her tell him, "You have a stick of dynamite between your legs and one of these days it's going to go off". For months I was afraid to go pee. It may not have been all that eloquent but it was direct and to the point.
I quickly realized that my Dad had set me up for a trap. What he asked me was, "Are you comfortable talking to your Dad about sex?" In the back of my mind (as well as the front) I'm thinking, "Sure, what do you want to know". I honestly thought that he was going to ask me for some pointers.
What actually ensued was something that left me speechless. He began telling me about the stuff he used to do with my Mom. Go back and read what he asked, that's not a typo. This is not what I agreed to. I think it was something that he needed to get off of his chest. It was one of the few times when I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out. I tried to plug my ears but I was frozen like a deer in the headlights.
My therapist tells me that the nightmares won't last forever and some day I may even be able to be intimate with a woman again or, at least... myself. For now, I am still recovering.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Dirty Dreams
Well, this is my first attempt at doing a blog post from my mobile phone. As it turns out, you have to occasionally pay your internet bill or you get shut off. Imagine that. But, if all goes well, I won't let Verizon stifle the random rambler.
Last night I was talking to a friend who thought her air conditioner was broken based on the puddle of water that she found on the floor so, she had turned it off.
I asked her when she had changed the filter last. Turns out it was quite a while ago and the filter was horribly dirty. Occasionally, you have to change the filter in your air conditioner or you get shut off.
I told her to change the filter and fire that bad boy up.
This morning I called to check on her and she told me that she had a dirty dream about me. That's not exactly what she said, that's just what I heard. Truth is that she had a dream about dirty filters but I have a male ego to inflate.
As luck would have it I had a bit of an erotic dream last night too. It never got to the dirty part, I wish I would have been able to sleep in. It was actually just like having four hours of foreplay without it going any further. I remember an old saying, "you could screw up a wet dream". Oh great, I have become that guy.
Of course I am not going to tell you who this dream was about. I don't kiss and tell (ok, so now you know that there was kissing) even if it was just in a dream. Don't always let the interesting lies end. Some of them, I have to leave open to keep peoples curiosity. But, if you are reading this and wondering to yourself, "is it me?", the answer is probably "no". Even I didn't see this dream coming.
Anyway, back to my point. Oh right, I don't have a point, hence the term "rambling". Anyway, I had a dream that I was simply massaging this womans shoulders for like the longest time. The problem with erotic dreams is that they make you see people differently. I can't tell you how many times my ex wife had dreams that we were fighting and I had to pay for it the next day or even week.
Anyway, I have a hard time trying talking to this woman now. Apparently even writing about her as I look back to the last sentence. Gosh, all because of a dream that never even went very far. I try to convince myself that it was just a dream but I am beginning to get some clarity about the times I had to sleep on the couch throughout my marriage and never knew what I did wrong.
Last night I was talking to a friend who thought her air conditioner was broken based on the puddle of water that she found on the floor so, she had turned it off.
I asked her when she had changed the filter last. Turns out it was quite a while ago and the filter was horribly dirty. Occasionally, you have to change the filter in your air conditioner or you get shut off.
I told her to change the filter and fire that bad boy up.
This morning I called to check on her and she told me that she had a dirty dream about me. That's not exactly what she said, that's just what I heard. Truth is that she had a dream about dirty filters but I have a male ego to inflate.
As luck would have it I had a bit of an erotic dream last night too. It never got to the dirty part, I wish I would have been able to sleep in. It was actually just like having four hours of foreplay without it going any further. I remember an old saying, "you could screw up a wet dream". Oh great, I have become that guy.
Of course I am not going to tell you who this dream was about. I don't kiss and tell (ok, so now you know that there was kissing) even if it was just in a dream. Don't always let the interesting lies end. Some of them, I have to leave open to keep peoples curiosity. But, if you are reading this and wondering to yourself, "is it me?", the answer is probably "no". Even I didn't see this dream coming.
Anyway, back to my point. Oh right, I don't have a point, hence the term "rambling". Anyway, I had a dream that I was simply massaging this womans shoulders for like the longest time. The problem with erotic dreams is that they make you see people differently. I can't tell you how many times my ex wife had dreams that we were fighting and I had to pay for it the next day or even week.
Anyway, I have a hard time trying talking to this woman now. Apparently even writing about her as I look back to the last sentence. Gosh, all because of a dream that never even went very far. I try to convince myself that it was just a dream but I am beginning to get some clarity about the times I had to sleep on the couch throughout my marriage and never knew what I did wrong.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Decisions, Decisions
It seems that one debate that comes up again and again is whether or not people can choose their sexual preference. Like everything else, I have put way too much thought into this and I have come to my final conclusion that it is definitely not a choice.
I remember when I was a child I had some very big decisions to make. Do I want chicken McNuggets or a cheeseburger for dinner? Will I be Spiderman or the Hulk for Halloween? You know, life changing choices like that. But, I don't ever remember the gay or straight decision.
It probably didn't happen when I was a child though. If it did, it probably wouldn't have been girls, I'm almost positive that they had cooties which were highly contagious and also deadly. Plus, I was convinced that cooties would make my pee-pee fall off and I'd have to change my name to Michelle.
A few years later I noticed that girls no longer had cooties so they must be simply a childhood disease. I still don't remember this as being a choice, I just noticed that girls had some redeeming qualities that were becoming more and more prevalent.
Now, if I actually had a choice to make as to who I would be attracted to, the obvious choice would be myself. Think about it. Dating would be cheaper. I always know when I am in the mood. I know that I will always be there for me. It seems like the best choice.
Besides, when I am stuck in traffic and there is nothing good on the radio, I could, you know, enjoy the wait with myself. Not that I don't do that anyway but it would be more enjoyable.
Taking a shower would be much more fun, I could always shower with the one I love.
Besides, people are always telling me to go Feck myself, imagine if I actually could. Or better yet, actually enjoyed it. Yes, life would be a lot simpler if I actually got to choose who I was attracted to. Bottom line is, on this one, I don't think I had any choice.
Nope, for me the simple fact is that if you put a blind fold on me and put me in a room with a hundred women, I could find the crazy one and put a ring on her finger. Yup, that seems to be what I ended being attracted to.
I remember when I was a child I had some very big decisions to make. Do I want chicken McNuggets or a cheeseburger for dinner? Will I be Spiderman or the Hulk for Halloween? You know, life changing choices like that. But, I don't ever remember the gay or straight decision.
It probably didn't happen when I was a child though. If it did, it probably wouldn't have been girls, I'm almost positive that they had cooties which were highly contagious and also deadly. Plus, I was convinced that cooties would make my pee-pee fall off and I'd have to change my name to Michelle.
A few years later I noticed that girls no longer had cooties so they must be simply a childhood disease. I still don't remember this as being a choice, I just noticed that girls had some redeeming qualities that were becoming more and more prevalent.
Now, if I actually had a choice to make as to who I would be attracted to, the obvious choice would be myself. Think about it. Dating would be cheaper. I always know when I am in the mood. I know that I will always be there for me. It seems like the best choice.
Besides, when I am stuck in traffic and there is nothing good on the radio, I could, you know, enjoy the wait with myself. Not that I don't do that anyway but it would be more enjoyable.
Taking a shower would be much more fun, I could always shower with the one I love.
Besides, people are always telling me to go Feck myself, imagine if I actually could. Or better yet, actually enjoyed it. Yes, life would be a lot simpler if I actually got to choose who I was attracted to. Bottom line is, on this one, I don't think I had any choice.
Nope, for me the simple fact is that if you put a blind fold on me and put me in a room with a hundred women, I could find the crazy one and put a ring on her finger. Yup, that seems to be what I ended being attracted to.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Sex and cinnamon life
It may come as a surprise that I am not always a funny guy who laughs at the world. I have my bad days too and sometimes the world laughs back. In fact, on occasion I decide to have a few bad days in a row, just to get them all out. What surprises me is the way that some people react to me on those bad dayweeks.
One of my very close friends said something so shocking that I was seriously beginning to wonder if someone had slipped me a micky (I' have always wanted to say that, it's so "old School" that I feel like I am in a black and white film right now) and I simply misunderstood what she had said. Sorry about going off on such a long parenthetical tangent. I'm really not sorry, it just seemed like something I should be sorry for.
Anyway, I'm sure you are wondering what she could have said that was so shocking. I'll get to that in a minute but first, I feel another tangent coming on. I have also wanted to try to work the term "penal system" into a blog post but I can't find the right context for it here so I'll have to try again later.
Oh, back to my story. I have to first explain that this is a woman who is an extremely moral catholic woman and the last person you would expect to say something so shocking. Now, let me tell you that she was trying to help. I was feeling down and she seemed to have a solution for me to get back to feeling myself. Feeling myself, I am going to resist the urge to go off on another tangent.
"Dude, you need to get laid", she says. Did I hear that right? At first I thought that she must be implying that I take a vacation in Hawaii. Then, I thought that maybe "laid" was some Catholic religious ceremony like a baptism. The only "laid" that I can possibly think of in this context is...well..."laid".
Now it would be entirely inappropriate for me to link to her Catholic inside blog. So don't expect me to do that HERE.
Now, the only appropriate guy thing to do is to point out that we are both single. I quickly found out that she was making a suggestion, not an offer. But more advice ensued as she pointed out that my ex wife is also single and we are still good friends. Of course, my ex wife didn't want to, "Go down that road again". Would it really take that much effort for her to lay there and repeatedly ask, "Are you done yet?" like she did so many times throughout our marriage?
So, anyway. This should be every guys fantasy, having two women fighting over who is going to have sex with him. Of course, in my case, it plays out like the old Cinnamon life cereal commercial. "I'm not gonna try it, you try it" pushing the bowl away "I'm not gonna try it". Ladies, please, there's milk spilling over here.
One of my very close friends said something so shocking that I was seriously beginning to wonder if someone had slipped me a micky (I' have always wanted to say that, it's so "old School" that I feel like I am in a black and white film right now) and I simply misunderstood what she had said. Sorry about going off on such a long parenthetical tangent. I'm really not sorry, it just seemed like something I should be sorry for.
Anyway, I'm sure you are wondering what she could have said that was so shocking. I'll get to that in a minute but first, I feel another tangent coming on. I have also wanted to try to work the term "penal system" into a blog post but I can't find the right context for it here so I'll have to try again later.
Oh, back to my story. I have to first explain that this is a woman who is an extremely moral catholic woman and the last person you would expect to say something so shocking. Now, let me tell you that she was trying to help. I was feeling down and she seemed to have a solution for me to get back to feeling myself. Feeling myself, I am going to resist the urge to go off on another tangent.
"Dude, you need to get laid", she says. Did I hear that right? At first I thought that she must be implying that I take a vacation in Hawaii. Then, I thought that maybe "laid" was some Catholic religious ceremony like a baptism. The only "laid" that I can possibly think of in this context is...well..."laid".
Now it would be entirely inappropriate for me to link to her Catholic inside blog. So don't expect me to do that HERE.
Now, the only appropriate guy thing to do is to point out that we are both single. I quickly found out that she was making a suggestion, not an offer. But more advice ensued as she pointed out that my ex wife is also single and we are still good friends. Of course, my ex wife didn't want to, "Go down that road again". Would it really take that much effort for her to lay there and repeatedly ask, "Are you done yet?" like she did so many times throughout our marriage?
So, anyway. This should be every guys fantasy, having two women fighting over who is going to have sex with him. Of course, in my case, it plays out like the old Cinnamon life cereal commercial. "I'm not gonna try it, you try it" pushing the bowl away "I'm not gonna try it". Ladies, please, there's milk spilling over here.
Monday, January 12, 2009
It's not broken
Well, there seems to be some controversy stirring at the Ekim household. On one side of the debate is my neighbor and my kids and on the RIGHT side of the debate is me. The problem is that everyone who is wrong seems to think that I need a new dryer. Let me start from the beginning and you can decide for yourself just how right I am.
Genesis: The dryer was given to me by my mother. It was well used and broken but I fixed it. After a few years it began to make a funny noise but only at the end of the cycle. I saw this as a good thing, it was letting me know when my clothes were dry and the smell of burning plastic was hardly noticeable. We'll just say that it was a feature for the hearing impaired.
Not too long ago, the belt broke, the heating element burned out and a wheel in the back of the dryer turned into a molten fiery goo. That was no big deal, simple parts that were easily replaced. Let's call that some routine maintenance.
Shortly after that, the dryer would shut off all by itself in the middle of the cycle. A few times this resulted in moldy clothes but mold sort of smells like Polo cologne after it has set out for a few days. So, just think of all the money I am saving on cologne.
Currently, the dryer appears to be broken at first glance. When you push the button all it does is make a buzzing noise and a little puff of white smoke comes out (Again, for the hearing impaired). All you need to do it reach inside the dryer and hand turn the drum just enough to get it started. Of course, you can't do that with the door open because when the door opens, the dryer stops. But, I have cleverly taped the door switch down so it will still run with the door open, giving me the chance to jump start the dryer.
Now, I think that this is endearing. It reminds me of the old cars with the huge spoke tires that you had to start with a hand crank on the front bumper. Or, maybe one of those old fashioned planes that you would have to spin the prop to get it started. I'm not doing laundry, I'm like a pilot. How cool is that.
So, this is why all these people (who are wrong) think I need a new dryer. The bottom line is that the dryer dries clothes. Sure, you have to start it by precariously reaching your hand into a hot spinning drum and you have to ignore the loud noise and faint smell of burning electronics but it dries clothes. I don't know how I could possibly be more right, do you?
Is your dryer broken? No, it dries clothes. See, it's as simple as that.
Now the WRONG PEOPLE have their own group on Facebook.
Genesis: The dryer was given to me by my mother. It was well used and broken but I fixed it. After a few years it began to make a funny noise but only at the end of the cycle. I saw this as a good thing, it was letting me know when my clothes were dry and the smell of burning plastic was hardly noticeable. We'll just say that it was a feature for the hearing impaired.
Not too long ago, the belt broke, the heating element burned out and a wheel in the back of the dryer turned into a molten fiery goo. That was no big deal, simple parts that were easily replaced. Let's call that some routine maintenance.
Shortly after that, the dryer would shut off all by itself in the middle of the cycle. A few times this resulted in moldy clothes but mold sort of smells like Polo cologne after it has set out for a few days. So, just think of all the money I am saving on cologne.
Currently, the dryer appears to be broken at first glance. When you push the button all it does is make a buzzing noise and a little puff of white smoke comes out (Again, for the hearing impaired). All you need to do it reach inside the dryer and hand turn the drum just enough to get it started. Of course, you can't do that with the door open because when the door opens, the dryer stops. But, I have cleverly taped the door switch down so it will still run with the door open, giving me the chance to jump start the dryer.
Now, I think that this is endearing. It reminds me of the old cars with the huge spoke tires that you had to start with a hand crank on the front bumper. Or, maybe one of those old fashioned planes that you would have to spin the prop to get it started. I'm not doing laundry, I'm like a pilot. How cool is that.
So, this is why all these people (who are wrong) think I need a new dryer. The bottom line is that the dryer dries clothes. Sure, you have to start it by precariously reaching your hand into a hot spinning drum and you have to ignore the loud noise and faint smell of burning electronics but it dries clothes. I don't know how I could possibly be more right, do you?
Is your dryer broken? No, it dries clothes. See, it's as simple as that.
Now the WRONG PEOPLE have their own group on Facebook.
Grant Money
Sterility is hereditary.
If your parents couldn't have children
Chances are, you can't either.
I wonder if I can get some government grant money to prove my theory?
If your parents couldn't have children
Chances are, you can't either.
I wonder if I can get some government grant money to prove my theory?
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Strange Math
While waiting in line at the grocery store I was looking at the magazine covers. I know I shouldn't do that, I REALLY shouldn't. Some of the stuff that these people write, I just can't believe that anyone would read this garbage. Then again, people read my blog so...
One of the headings made me burst out laughing. Nothing strange about that right? I'm just standing there, quietly waiting and suddenly start laughing like a psych patient responding to internal stimuli. The woman behind me grabbed her children and headed to a different line.
Seriously, the heading that I read was on Self magazine. I'll give them a link and hope that they laugh instead of litigate. The heading read, "Look 100% sexier in 7 minutes". How the hell do you measure that? Seriously, what kind of math is involved to figure this out? I didn't go to college so maybe I missed the course on quantifying sexiness.
Now, I'm sure that I will get some criticism for this. There are women who take this subject very seriously. They have charts and graphs and Venn Diagrams with complex formulas for determining the exponent of their sexiness over a period of time.
For me, I am worried about being too sexy. I don't think I need the full 100% increase in sexiness. I've decided to take a more subtle approach and spend 1.75 minutes to look 25% sexier. Yeah, I think that's all I need. Besides, I'm all about taking Baby steps.
One of the headings made me burst out laughing. Nothing strange about that right? I'm just standing there, quietly waiting and suddenly start laughing like a psych patient responding to internal stimuli. The woman behind me grabbed her children and headed to a different line.
Seriously, the heading that I read was on Self magazine. I'll give them a link and hope that they laugh instead of litigate. The heading read, "Look 100% sexier in 7 minutes". How the hell do you measure that? Seriously, what kind of math is involved to figure this out? I didn't go to college so maybe I missed the course on quantifying sexiness.
Now, I'm sure that I will get some criticism for this. There are women who take this subject very seriously. They have charts and graphs and Venn Diagrams with complex formulas for determining the exponent of their sexiness over a period of time.
For me, I am worried about being too sexy. I don't think I need the full 100% increase in sexiness. I've decided to take a more subtle approach and spend 1.75 minutes to look 25% sexier. Yeah, I think that's all I need. Besides, I'm all about taking Baby steps.
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