Is that diarrhea on the shampoo bottle?

This morning I was enjoying my shower when I had to do a double-take at the shampoo bottle. "Is that diarrhea on the shampoo bottle?", I asked myself. It sure did look like it.

The shampoo is a daily moisture renewal formula and underneath that it says, "Hidratacion Diaria", which can only be pronounced "Diarrhea". It really made me stop and think before I put it in my hair.

Surely, this must be spanish for "daily moisture renewal". Maybe it's latin. That made me wonder what "Hidratacion" is. Is it a combination of "Hidra" meaning water and "Tacion" meaning suffocation? Would that be Drowning Diarrhea? Well, that's just gross.

If "diaria" is moisture, do I want to put moisturizer on my face? Sounds too much like "Diarrhea" to me. Do I really want to use facial diaria? Brings up images of a mud mask. I'd be sitting there with cucumber slices over my eyes with a good thick coating of facial diaria.

Or how about, "Feel my hands, I just rubbed diaria on them". Well, now, that sounds inviting. It's funny how some foreign words resemble english but in a much different way.

I know it can't be german, the german word for diarrhea is "spraysompoopin", I'm pretty sure. Besides, it makes more sense that diaria is moisture, I can see the connection.

The rest of the bottle is written in english. Except where it says, "Questions/Preguntas". Well, I have a few Preguntas, so maybe I should call the number. My first question is why did you put diaria on my bottle? If you are trying to appeal to the spanish speaking market, why not have spanish instructions as well?

The Internet to be Discontinued.

The internet will be discontinued in December of 2009 due to the rising cost of copper. There is an estimated 3.7 billion dollars worth of copper wire that will be salvaged and used to make new consumer products. There is an increasing fear that the copper could be stolen from the telephone poles and sold for scrap.

In January the internet will begin being shut down in small segments as part of a phase out plan developed by Italian engineer, Sherzo Difettoso. The first customers to lose their connection will be able to purchase wireless converter boxes that will allow them to still access the internet through the hollow conduit but at a smaller bandwidth.

For those customers that are still using "Dial-up" the converter boxes will come in a kit form containing two tin cans and a tightly drawn string. Cellular customers can purchase a similar kit but with much smaller cans.

Firefox users will need to upgrade their browsers to support the new technology. Internet explorer users will not notice any change in performance. Mac users will be the first to notice the effects of the copper recall with PC users following close behind.

Also in the works is a design that simplifies communications by sending smoke signals. A device is installed on the exterior of your home called an Aerial Sensor System. Using a smoke machine and a small tube, the user can type on a keypad and the machine will blow puffs of smoke up his A.S.S. similar to instant messaging.

Disclaimer- This post should not be taken seriously and is intended for entertainment purposes only (Mainly my own entertainment).

Stupidity stings a little

I watched my partner get stung in the face by a wasp. I know this wouldn't be funny for most people but it was hilarious. It wasn't the fact that he got stung that was funny, it was the fact that he punched himself in the face to get the thing off of him.

Now, I should know better than to say anything but I did anyway. He was trimming back some bushes when it happened and I told him that if he just walked away, calmly, they would leave him alone.
At any rate, I decided to take over trimming the bush so he wouldn't get stung again. As I chopped away at the evil wasp bunker, I accidentally summoned the mamma wasp. Oh, this was the mother of all wasps that I awakened and she was on a mission of vengeance.
Fwup, Fwup, Fwup, Fwup, her wings made this impressively eerie noise as she rose from the remnants of the possessed bush.

This was hardly a wasp, mind you, this was more like a black hawk helicopter. I stood straight up, facing the beast and stared into it's peering eyes. Oh, I was not afraid as I slowly turned and began my casual retreat.
I didn't get but five steps away when I felt the fiery penetration of what must have been a harpoon instead of a stinger.

Now, they say that white men can't jump but I damned sure did. Several times I jumped, just for good measure, tearing off my shirt and bolting away from my certain demise. Much to my partners amusement, I might add.

Having survived this attack, I moved on to pressure washing the house. There's something about the gentle hum of a pressure washer that can lull you into a trance like state. I suddenly realized that I should have worn pants as I can feel the wet hose pulsating against my bare leg.

I pulled the nozzle up, in an attempt to throw the hose behind me and off of my leg. Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize that you have just been crowned the King of all idiots? Well, I was having one of those at this exact second. I realized that the hose had been behind me the entire time as it hit me on my back. Now, if the hose is behind me, what is the pulsating wet thing that is on my leg?

I looked down to find that it was a very well fed snake and had made it's way up my shorts and was now face to face with Mr. Happy (although Mr. Happy wasn't too happy about this visitor). It's alright, this is pleasant, NOT! I quickly used the only weapon at my disposal, the pressure washer. My brilliant plan sent the waterlogged serpent spiraling upwards 5 feet. Nice, right at eye level.

Again, I make my retreat, pouncing like Tigger after snorting espresso. Upon telling my partner what had just taken place, he insisted on knowing what type of underwear I was wearing. I refused to tell him on the grounds that I could not determine how revealing this information could possibly help his investigation.

"Well", He answered, "If you're not wearing any underwear, maybe the snake thought he saw a lizard". Can you imagine if it had come to that before I realized what was happening? Of all the places to be bitten by a snake.

Oh, and for the record, "lizard"? Give me some credit, "Iguana" may be more like it.

Rebel without a clue.

My friend Ashley tells me that women are drawn to men that are "Bad Boys". Then, to make things worse, she tells me that I am not a "Bad boy".

Oh, I beg to differ. I am a bad boy, a true rebel. I work construction without a hard hat Ya'know?

I don't heed warnings at all. That's right, I am dangerous.
I take Tylenol and then I do not, "Keep out of reach of children".
In fact I stand right next to them.

I probably wouldn't have a headache if I did.

I don't lather, Rinse and repeat. I just lather and rinse.
I just lather and rinse.

Really, Ashley, I'm the guy your Mom warned you about.
Don't believe me?

I run with scissors, how do you like that?
And to make it better, they are left handed scissors in my right hand.
"Alert the authorities, he's gone mad!!!"

Now, if that's not "Bad Boy" enough for you, let me present you with
what I like to call "Exhibit A":

Feast your eyes on this baby!!

I ripped the tag of that mattress
Like it was nothing.

I didn't even hesitate

And I'm not the consumer either.

My Mom bought that mattress.

So I could do hard time for this.

I have this hanging on my refrigerator as a reminder of what a "Bad Boy" I am.
If the Mattress Police ever come to diner, I'll get busted.

Busted, I tell you!!! I'm living on the edge, full of Adrenaline and hard liquor.

Well, actually, Tang because it has a full days supply of vitamin C and I have a little case of the sniffles from the dust under the mattress. I could get sick from the germs and I don't wanna take any chances.

A "Bad boy" with green snot isn't very attractive, is he?