Just say NO

Every once in a while you just need to cut loose, throw caution to the wind, go “all in”, pass go and collect $200.  And even thought that makes no sense, my point is that sometimes you just need some excitement.

Now, there's a slight chance that I may be getting older.  Not right now, of course, but eventually and I'd like to prepare myself for what's to come. So, when my girlfriend managed to get her hands on some Viagra I was all for it.  I was too focused on the thought of having a night of passion that I completely neglected to ask her where she got the little blue pills.  There was no bottle, they just came in a little baggy but I thought that would be a good thing because I wouldn't have the chance to lament over possible side-effects like blindness or rectal bleeding or stroke.  Besides,  a little plastic baggy is perfectly legitimate, right?

In hind sight, I should have just said “NO”, these little blue pills were obviously not a prescription and probably some concoction that was manufactured in someone's toilet.  But you can't judge me because you didn't see the way she looked in her mini-skirt while she was digging through her purse looking for a means of poisoning me.

Unfortunately, the little blue pill yielded a very unexpected result.  I was expecting (read: hoping) to become an unstoppable sex machine.  Instead, after I swallowed the blue pill Morpheus appeared and started giving me a lecture about the dangers of conformity and telling me how disappointed he was that I wasn't “the one”.  Which is something that my girlfriend has been saying for years.

Okay, I don't honestly expect you to believe something so outlandishly preposterous. I can hear you all saying, “That's just impossible” and you're right.  I mean, come on, do you really think I have a girlfriend? 

I did, however, watch The Matrix again recently.  One thing that never occurred to me when I watched it years ago is why did Neo take EITHER pill?  I mean, if a mysterious man in a trench coat offered you a pill, would you take it?  

Wait, that's not funny

This morning I woke up and wondered, "Is today a good day to start making my own decisions?"  I even sought out some sage advice by posting this delightfully ironic query on Facebook, like any responsible adult would.  You see, I've decided to flip the coin on my life and become a full-time web designer and part-time construction worker.  That's right folks, the random rambler is going back to school.  Call it a mid-life crisis or a life altering epiphany but I've decided to follow my dream of becoming that old guy who works for some nerdy kid.  Gosh, I should put that on my resumé.

Now, I've always had the philosophy that being a geek wasn't a boolean value but had many shades of bcbcbc.  And, though I've always dabbled with web design, I've recently noticed that I start to drool at the thought of getting another website to work on.  Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell? Anyway, I took that as an indicator that it's time to transition from tool belt to pocket protector.  Which might actually mean that I'll have more time to devote to blogging.  I'll be at a computer anyway so it won't be out of my way.  It's hard to be on Facebook and blogger when you're operating a jackhammer. No really, you should try it sometime.  Or better yet, try using a jackhammer when you have a head cold, that's some fun stuff.  And by head cold, I mean hangover.  They're the same thing, right?  

I've been altered

And not in  a fun way.

Okay, so I know that it's been a long time since I've been on Blog Catalog but my recent visit was a little frightening. Apparently, while I was away, the default profile image changed a little. It's seems that you can now upload a larger picture. Which is nice, if you happen to have caught that change. I, however, missed the memo. So, my tiny picture got expanded and became all pixelated like this:

Yikes! I mean, come on now. I look like a character from Mario Brothers. Like, maybe Nintendo did a video game version of White men can't jump. Of course, most people know that Mario has a brother named Luigi. But, did you also know that they have a blond step-brother who likes to wear his hat backwards? That's right, in this 80's classic arcade game, I play the character who cleans up after the Mario brothers and talks to mice. My catch-phrase is, “It's a me, Ekimio”.

But it gets worse. I logged in again today to find that my pixelated abomination of a profile picture had been changed to this woman:

Now, as cute as she may be, I'm telling you people... She's an imposter. I know, I know, it's hard to believe that the random rambler doesn't look like this in real life. And, that stupid little gender bot thing said that I write like a girl. Yeah, that's what it said. But, I didn't let that get me down. I put on my big girl panties and kept right on writing. Besides, it was analyzing my typing, not my writing. Which looks exactly like this:

Actually, I think I write like a doctor (I just don't get paid like one) A doctor who has had too much caffeine and is off of his seizure meds. Seriously, wouldn't you want to lay on my table and have me pick up a scalpel? Come on, I have steady hands (sort of) and I'm pretty handy with tools. Don't let my sloppy writing discourage you. Now, the fact that I'm a construction worker and not a surgeon should discourage you.

Which reminds me, I have a million dollar idea. I plan to add caffeine to orange juice and make an energy drink with vitamins. I'll call it “Pep-C”. It should sell like crazy when it gets all the bad publicity of being a trademark infringement that sounds like a disease.

I should also put some of that Ginko Biloba stuff in it. I don't have a good memory and it's hard for me to keep track of what I've done and haven't done. I should also put some of that Ginko Biloba stuff in it. I don't have a good memory and it's hard for me to keep track of what I've done and haven't done.  

False Advertising

I've been the victim of false advertising.  I like being the victim because it's much batter than saying, "I made a stupid decision and, rather than learn from it, I made it again and again".  Anyway, back to my victimness.  You know how certain products are supposed to make you thinner, taller, sexier, less bald, smarter (okay, that one's a stretch of irony) or give you more energy?  But, when you actually use them, you realize that all they did was make you less rich?  Yeah, I had that happen to me.

You see, all these years I've been smoking.  Not because I wanted an expensive and bad habit but because it was supposed to make me like the Marlboro man.  Well, aside from certain other things.  Like, I know I don't wear a cowboy hat and I don't ride a horse.  And I don't live in the West and work on a ranch.  But not that I couldn't.  I mean, I could totally do that and the only thing stopping me is that... I don't want to.  But, I could totally be the next great cowboy.  I'd just be one that doesn't like cowboy hats or horses.  Or cows.

But that's besides the point.  The point is that smoking was supposed to make me strong and rugged and cool and all those other cowboyish things.  But it didn't.  At least, I don't feel cool when I have to go outside of a restaurant and stand in the rain to smoke by myself.  I don't feel strong when I get winded going up a flight of stairs or... thinking about going up a flight of stairs.  I don't feel rugged when I burn my lips and scream like a school girl.  Okay, I made that part up.  I burn my fingers.

Anyway, you can't say that I didn't try.  I mean, I've been doing this for over 20 years and I'm no more of a cowboy now than I was when I started.  I want my money back.  Or, at least, a complementary pair of those really cool chaps.

Sorry I haven't posted

Sorry I haven't posted in a while but, at least I have a good reason (read: excuse). You see, there were these ninjas.  But not just any ordinary ninjas.  These ninjas could turn invisible and kill a man with a mere thought. There were over a hundred of them and, they were in this dream that I had.

Then, I woke up from my dream and this woman texted me and invited me out for drinks.  But, not just ordinary drinks, they were laced with something.  It was a mind altering chemical that was more... um... mind altering than roofies.  I think the scientific name for it is "tequila". But not just any tequila, it was the frozen kind.  Margaritas look so innocent and are actually very intoxicating and evil.  Hey, kinda like the woman who invited me out for drinks.

Anyway, I realized that I need to get back to blogging.  Not for the money, of course but because it's the one thing that keeps me sane (or showcases my insanity, I'm not sure which). So, I am going to try to fit more writing into my busy schedule of defending the world from dream ninjas.

Special thanks to the Arcangel who gave me the inspiration for the name of this post. And apparently believes that since the "h" is silent it might as well be deleted entirely, saving one whole keystroke. I'm all for this energy conservation movement. The world is already full of wasted characters, U C.