All the wrong answers

Over my many years on this planet (well, not "Many" but a few) I have learned a few things that I feel obligated to pass on to others. Ya know, just to help the greater good. What I learned may not be all that helpful as I never really learned the right things to say. However, I can help you to avoid some of the mistakes I made by passing on "All the wrong answers".
These answers have been personally tested and I can assure you that you do not want to try these at home.

If you are reading this, it may be too late for the first one. When I was younger and did something wrong (Which almost never happened) my Mom would say, "The next thing you ask for, the answer is NO". One time, I replied with, "Can I go to school tomorrow?"

When dealing with the police, I want to warn you that they seem to lack a sense of humor. When they ask if you have any guns or other weapons, I have noticed that, "Oh yeah, what do you need?" is the wrong response. Also, "Hey, you have your own", goes over like a fart in church.

When it comes to relationships, I have not had much success. I have however learned a great deal about what "All the wrong answers".
When a woman asks, "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?",
the wrong answer is, "No, no, the fourth trip through the buffet line made your butt look fat".

When a woman asks, "Where you just looking at that other woman?",
the wrong answer is, "NO! I was just looking at her boobs, not the whole woman".
Maybe volunteering too much information is a bad thing.

This normally leads to the next question that women like to ask, "What does she have that I don't have?".
The wrong answer, as I found out, is, "My undivided attention".

What organic means to a many man

It seems that coolness is determined by what we eat. First there were vegetarians, that seemed simple enough. As more and more people became vegetarians just to be cool, along came vegans. When that wasn't enough there became more levels of devotion to the lifestyle like people that don't eat anything with a face or that casts a shadow. Eventually, the coolest thing will be to not eat anything at all.

Don't get me wrong, I understand being vegetarian if you are doing it because it is healthy or you don't like to think about animals dying just so you can eat. However, the animals that we most commonly eat are bred for the sole purpose of becoming food. They get free medical treatment and don't have to pay rent. Personally, I think they have it pretty good.

Now, I myself am an animal lover. Especially with barbeque sauce. For every person that is offended by that statement, there is a farmer that is trying to raise his family who is glad I said it.

Now, what throws me through a loop is the new, dare I say, over use of the word "Organic". Great, a whole new level of coolness. I am totally against the senseless slaughter of innocent vegetables for the sole purpose of consumption in the first place. Now, you are telling me that they are being tortured by being denied pesticides and chemicals? That's like denying them medical treatment. Well, I won't stand for it. I will however sit for it and have my steak next to my non-organic mashed potatoes.


So, what does "Organic" mean to a manly man? Well, I have organic brake pads on my truck. I'm sure they are very tasty.

Breeding an army of superhumans

I'm sure you know that we take vaccinations to make us immune to disease by being exposed to small amounts of the disease like chicken pox. Well, what if we could take that to the next level? Now I feel like a mad scientist. Bwahahaha!!!

This past weekend, I had my two daughters and they were both ill. And of course with all the projectile vomiting and hershey squirts going on, I knew I was bound to get it and I did. Despite the swarm of festering germs swirling about, my son did not get sick, he never does. This got me to thinking.

Many years ago, I read somewhere that kids who eat their own boogers have a stronger immune system because the boogers act like little vaccinations. Maybe my son used to eat his own boogers, I don't know. I do know that he is able to eat things that would make a buzzard puke, I've seen him do it.

After taking the girls back to their Mom, I went home and tried to sleep it off. I think the fever, and possibly the double shot of NyQuil gave me a wildly imaginative dream. Or, drug induced hallucination if you want to be all technical and stuff.

I was raising my kids all over again but this time I didn't discourage them from picking their nose and eating it, I encouraged it. I didn't stop there. If I was going to have my army of superhumans that would survive the next plague I had to go beyond, way beyond.
I told them that they must not limit themselves to eating their own boogers, they should also eat other peoples boogers.

Next up, the airport. We have to make sure that they are exposed to boogers from around the globe. Aha, it's my lucky day, that man just arrived from Singapore and he is blowing his nose. I ran up to him and asked, "Are you going to eat that"? Scratch Singapore off my list and as an added bonus, airplanes are know to have the most germ filled air know to man. Eat up kids.

At this point, the kids had to use the restroom. Ewww, public bathrooms are so disgusting. Hey, while you're in there, why don't you lick the rim of the toilet bowl? That should give your immune system a good boost. Ok, I'll admit that was a bad idea and was totally uncalled for. Because a more recent study determined that computer keyboards have way more bacteria than toilets. Hey kids, we're having qwerty for lunch.

Wow, being sick can give you some very strange dreams and NyQuil should be a controlled substance.

Mosquitos

I have to take a minute to do a quick post about the most annoying little bug that is really ruining my evening. I'm just sitting here, trying to get some work done and this single mosquito has bitten me over a dozen times.

Ok, I lied. I'm not actually working but all the pictures of Scarlett Johansson are not exactly going to download themselves.

Anyway, this little bug is so small that I can barely see him to squash him and yet he has bitten me like 37 times. How much can he eat?

Well, here's the deal, I would rather have him just bite me once, suck out like a gallon of blood and then go sit in the corner and smoke a cigarette. The part that gets me riled up is that he is treating me like an all you can eat buffet.

Oh and, of course, what the heck could possibly be in my ear that is so delicious? That annoying buzzing sound gets louder and louder until I slap myself upside the head, feeling and looking like a complete idiot.

I swear I am going insane and if I catch this little guy I am going to crush him into dust. I've lost so much blood and smacked myself in the head so many times that I am beginning to feel a little woozy.

Is that diarrhea on the shampoo bottle?

This morning I was enjoying my shower when I had to do a double-take at the shampoo bottle. "Is that diarrhea on the shampoo bottle?", I asked myself. It sure did look like it.

The shampoo is a daily moisture renewal formula and underneath that it says, "Hidratacion Diaria", which can only be pronounced "Diarrhea". It really made me stop and think before I put it in my hair.

Surely, this must be spanish for "daily moisture renewal". Maybe it's latin. That made me wonder what "Hidratacion" is. Is it a combination of "Hidra" meaning water and "Tacion" meaning suffocation? Would that be Drowning Diarrhea? Well, that's just gross.

If "diaria" is moisture, do I want to put moisturizer on my face? Sounds too much like "Diarrhea" to me. Do I really want to use facial diaria? Brings up images of a mud mask. I'd be sitting there with cucumber slices over my eyes with a good thick coating of facial diaria.

Or how about, "Feel my hands, I just rubbed diaria on them". Well, now, that sounds inviting. It's funny how some foreign words resemble english but in a much different way.

I know it can't be german, the german word for diarrhea is "spraysompoopin", I'm pretty sure. Besides, it makes more sense that diaria is moisture, I can see the connection.

The rest of the bottle is written in english. Except where it says, "Questions/Preguntas". Well, I have a few Preguntas, so maybe I should call the number. My first question is why did you put diaria on my bottle? If you are trying to appeal to the spanish speaking market, why not have spanish instructions as well?

The Internet to be Discontinued.

The internet will be discontinued in December of 2009 due to the rising cost of copper. There is an estimated 3.7 billion dollars worth of copper wire that will be salvaged and used to make new consumer products. There is an increasing fear that the copper could be stolen from the telephone poles and sold for scrap.

In January the internet will begin being shut down in small segments as part of a phase out plan developed by Italian engineer, Sherzo Difettoso. The first customers to lose their connection will be able to purchase wireless converter boxes that will allow them to still access the internet through the hollow conduit but at a smaller bandwidth.

For those customers that are still using "Dial-up" the converter boxes will come in a kit form containing two tin cans and a tightly drawn string. Cellular customers can purchase a similar kit but with much smaller cans.

Firefox users will need to upgrade their browsers to support the new technology. Internet explorer users will not notice any change in performance. Mac users will be the first to notice the effects of the copper recall with PC users following close behind.

Also in the works is a design that simplifies communications by sending smoke signals. A device is installed on the exterior of your home called an Aerial Sensor System. Using a smoke machine and a small tube, the user can type on a keypad and the machine will blow puffs of smoke up his A.S.S. similar to instant messaging.

Disclaimer- This post should not be taken seriously and is intended for entertainment purposes only (Mainly my own entertainment).

Stupidity stings a little

I watched my partner get stung in the face by a wasp. I know this wouldn't be funny for most people but it was hilarious. It wasn't the fact that he got stung that was funny, it was the fact that he punched himself in the face to get the thing off of him.

Now, I should know better than to say anything but I did anyway. He was trimming back some bushes when it happened and I told him that if he just walked away, calmly, they would leave him alone.
At any rate, I decided to take over trimming the bush so he wouldn't get stung again. As I chopped away at the evil wasp bunker, I accidentally summoned the mamma wasp. Oh, this was the mother of all wasps that I awakened and she was on a mission of vengeance.
Fwup, Fwup, Fwup, Fwup, her wings made this impressively eerie noise as she rose from the remnants of the possessed bush.

This was hardly a wasp, mind you, this was more like a black hawk helicopter. I stood straight up, facing the beast and stared into it's peering eyes. Oh, I was not afraid as I slowly turned and began my casual retreat.
I didn't get but five steps away when I felt the fiery penetration of what must have been a harpoon instead of a stinger.

Now, they say that white men can't jump but I damned sure did. Several times I jumped, just for good measure, tearing off my shirt and bolting away from my certain demise. Much to my partners amusement, I might add.

Having survived this attack, I moved on to pressure washing the house. There's something about the gentle hum of a pressure washer that can lull you into a trance like state. I suddenly realized that I should have worn pants as I can feel the wet hose pulsating against my bare leg.

I pulled the nozzle up, in an attempt to throw the hose behind me and off of my leg. Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize that you have just been crowned the King of all idiots? Well, I was having one of those at this exact second. I realized that the hose had been behind me the entire time as it hit me on my back. Now, if the hose is behind me, what is the pulsating wet thing that is on my leg?

I looked down to find that it was a very well fed snake and had made it's way up my shorts and was now face to face with Mr. Happy (although Mr. Happy wasn't too happy about this visitor). It's alright, this is pleasant, NOT! I quickly used the only weapon at my disposal, the pressure washer. My brilliant plan sent the waterlogged serpent spiraling upwards 5 feet. Nice, right at eye level.

Again, I make my retreat, pouncing like Tigger after snorting espresso. Upon telling my partner what had just taken place, he insisted on knowing what type of underwear I was wearing. I refused to tell him on the grounds that I could not determine how revealing this information could possibly help his investigation.

"Well", He answered, "If you're not wearing any underwear, maybe the snake thought he saw a lizard". Can you imagine if it had come to that before I realized what was happening? Of all the places to be bitten by a snake.

Oh, and for the record, "lizard"? Give me some credit, "Iguana" may be more like it.